Sometimes I Just Need A Friend

ID-10076851Remember how last week I said I didn’t have any lesbian tendencies?

Well, just because I’m not A Gay, doesn’t mean I don’t crave female companionship from time to time. Friends are so, so important to have because who else do you call when you have a wicked pisser case of The PMS, or The Asshole Husband, or The Douche Chills from the Creepy Guy Across the Street, or your dad suddenly ends up in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism?  Or how about when you’re super excited because you found an awesome shoe sale or The. Perfect. Bag. for Fall?

WHO DO YOU CALL??

You can call your mother, but then she stays awake all night worrying about you and your problems and how she’s failed as a mother, and you don’t want to do that to the poor lady, so you need friends because while they care about you, they probably won’t lose any sleep over how much your life is fucked.

Your friends won’t lecture you about responsible credit card use either.

But it’s really hard to find people to be friends with!  It’s almost exactly like dating except you probably won’t end up in the sack together unless there were way, way too many cosmos on girl’s night and your friend was looking particularly sassy in her new fuck me boots. I’ve been known to prowl around for lady friends, and it’s weird when you actually find someone because then the issue becomes how do you proceed from there?

Let’s say I meet a nice woman somewhere and we seem to have similar senses of humor, and I think her shoes are totally cute, and I want to see her again. It’s pretty creepy to be like, “um, can I have your phone number? I’d really like to hang out with you.”

You kind of have to have a few encounters with the person before you do that. I think I’d be a little put off if someone did that to me. Would you?  Or am I a total dick? (Don’t answer that.)

And I get nervous that someone won’t like me, and so I say ridiculous things that don’t make any sense–not even to me.

A person like me can go for years longing for a friend and never find one for fear of awkwardness and sounding like a super creep.

And what if you DO go out on a limb and you DO ask for a strange woman’s number, only to find out she’s the super creep and it’s not you at all!  Like, what if you find out she sacrifices kittens in her kitchen or that she sometimes fantasizes about David Hasselhoff’s chest hair?  People like that are harder to get rid of than hemorrhoids. Often the police are involved.

So that’s why I think we need a dating website for friends. There needs to be a place where you can go and put up a profile and see if maybe your new bestie, your new soul sista (or brotha) is out there just dying to go for mannies and pedis with you. Or, if you’re a guy, dying to go out and drink beers and

…um…

I don’t know what guys do.

Talk about cars?  See who can pee the farthest?  Drink more beers? What fans the flames of a budding bromance?

Anyway, I think there really is a market for this kind of thing. I’ve always been a little bit lonely for friends. It’s not because I don’t have friends (ladies, don’t freak the frack out and all get on my phone and be like “WTF are you talking about? I’M YOUR FRIEND, BITCH!”) because I do have friends. I have lots of friends, actually, but for one reason or another, some of them are unavailable to me and there are times when I wish somebody would call me just to say “what the fuck?”

My two closest friends live far, far away. My Internet friends live far, far, FAR away, and some of my other friends are way too busy with other things like work, school, and other obligations to even have time to pick up the phone.  I even have a friend who I used to be close with, but we don’t hang around together anymore because she’s found another friend who takes up most of her available “friend time.”  My heart is actually pretty broken over it and I’ve been pretty sad, but I guess that friend wasn’t meant to be.  If she was all that into me in the first place, I wouldn’t have been replaced, right? And then lots of times, I’m the one who’s too busy what with the kids and a job and a husband and all.  It’s nobody’s fault–it just is.

So even though I have friends, I still sometimes find myself in that dark and lonely place, longing for female companionship, and that’s kind of a shitty feeling.  That’s why I think my idea would work, and it would be brilliant.  I know there are lots of people out there who would love to find a way to meet new friends, and they cringe at the thought of  joining a book club or something equally lame in order to do that.  It would be just like a regular dating site where people can post a profile just as if they were looking for a date.

Here’s my friend dating profile:

Mother of two little girls, part-time librarian, writer, and full time Kick Ass Awesome Person seeks bff.   You must love dogs, yoga, Jillian Michaels, long brisk walks, reading, and triple chocolate brownies. And wine.  You must be a total whore for wine and not pussy out and complain that you’re “getting sleepy” after the second glass, start yawning, and switch to water for the rest of the night.   That’s about as exciting as a bag of socks.  You must also be the kind of person who eats cake only because it’s a vehicle for frosting.  I cannot be your friend if you think frosting is “too rich” for you.  You must love frosting so much you want to strip off all your clothes and roll naked in it or I don’t even know what planet you’re from.

You must be willing to show up at my door with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and a gallon of Rocky Road after I’ve had a piece of  shit day, and not even care if I have snot on my sweater.  I would be honored to do the same for you.  Reciprocity is a given.

You answer your phone when I call and acknowledge my emails when I send them.  Every now and then, you call me for no particular reason.  Sometimes even from the toilet.

You have a kick ass sense of humor and the ability to roll with multiple f-bombs, sometimes in rapid succession, and you cannot cringe when you hear “the c-word.”

It’s pronounced CUNT.

So yes.  That’s my profile.  I could go on, but I’m running out of space…OMG!  WAIT! This site could even help me find a GAY!  I need to get working on this idea.  I think it could make a lot of people very, very, happy and even perhaps save them from disappointing friendships and super creeps.

What do you guys think of this? What’s your friend dating profile, Toy with Mes?  Are we future bffs, and if so, could you please move into my neighborhood?  I don’t want anyone driving home after all the Sauvignon Blanc we’ll be drinking together.

Photo by imagerymajestic.

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88 comments

  1. amysjoy

    I COMPLETELY agree! I've been living where I live for a year now, and I still don't really have any friends of my very own to hang out with. I have church friends, who are great but all live at least 45 minutes away, and I have my boyfriend and we hang out with his friends sometimes, but they are not MY friends whom I can call on a whim. And when I joined a meetup.com group and started making friends, I got kicked out for being like super more awesome than them or something. For awhile, and sometimes now still, I was definitely feeling like Paul Rudd in I Love You, Man. I miss going to school and just being able to make friends easily, even though when I was a freshman in college, I totally thought it was hard making friends in class. Oh, if only I had known that it gets worse.

  2. melissalion

    I've been working too much and ignoring my friends. This post reminds me I need to take better care with that. Also, that the US is too big because you and I are too far apart.

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