The Day My Son Took My Dildo To School

My friend "Jerome"The day I got the phone call from my four year old sons preschool is a day that will long live in my memory, and everyone else at that schools psyche, forever.

I’m at home, enjoying my morning coffee enema, when my sons school pops up on my caller ID. I answer, thinking ‘aww man, my kid is hurt or sick. I’m going to have to get out of sweat pants and go get him’.

The secretary on the line seemed confused as a baby raccoon. “Mrs. Atwood…” “That’s me.” ” Were going to need you to come into the school ASAP.” “Um, is everything ok?” “Can you be here in 15 minutes? We will talk then.”

I end the conversation, blindly throw on some clothes and head out the door. As I arrive at the school, some of the teachers in the corridor blushed and nodded my way, then quickly disappeared.  At that point the school principal sees me and calls me into her office. I think ‘not this again’ and memories of high school flash into my head.

She motions me to sit down as she begins. “Mrs. Atwood, we called you in because your son has brought an inappropriate item to school.” At that point she pulls out a latex glove and slaps it on like she’s ready to colonoscopy me. In goes the big rubber hand into her desk drawer and out comes a big rubber friend of mine that I like to call ‘Jerome’. Burn victims don’t turn this red.

Let me fill you in. (That’s what ‘Jerome’ said) My son often packs things in his bag to take to his dads house. I later learned that, along with barbie sized GI Joes, ‘Jerome’ had joined the forces as well. How on Earth am I going to tackle this topic? I apologized to the principal, snatched up ‘Jerome’ and tucked him safely in my purse. I got permission for my son to be dismissed early and I dreaded the car ride home. Luckily, he is four. I can bullshit my way out of this easily.

We are on our way.

Me: “How was your day buddy? I see you found mommys toy.”

Son: “What IS that thing, mom!”

Me: “First, let me ask what YOU were doing with my toy.”

Son: “He was the monster guard. When GI Joe tried to get into the enemys base, monster guard got all charged up and shocked him. How do you play with monster guard, mom?”

Me: “Ehh. Same way you do, I guess..”

Son: “Who does monster guard shock when you play with him? And what are these, mom? I found them next to monster guard ”

I glance in the rear view mirror, and abruptly pull to the side of the road. In his hands were a pair of ben wah balls and a prehistoric diaphragm. Obviously baseballs and a frisbee to good ole Joe.

The vaginal items were confiscated and the subject of their use completely avoided. I can’t have my son running around with a vibrator in his backpack. Maybe one day, when he’s older, we’ll be able to talk about Monster Guard and the frisbee and that he’ll be able to understand, but until that day – I decided to buy a box for my toys.

One with a lock.

Have you ever had a moment when someone found “something” that they shouldn’t have?

This was a a guest post by Shanna Atwood who is also known as CrackBarbie. You can follow her hilarity by following her on Twitter.

Interested in writing a guest post for Toy With Me? I would love to have you grace our pages. Check out our submission guidelines.

22 comments

  1. hsfreak

    When i was in high school, i visited one of my teachers at home because she was a family friend as well. She asked me to find her purse and i looked in the wrong drawer and found 5-6 vibrators and other toys. Ever since then i cant stop thinking about her and how she plays with them

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