Squirting Vaginas Freak Me Out

squirtingI feel like porn from the 70’s was awesome in a way that will never be repeated. It was a golden age, if you will. Women had gi – fucking – normous bushes that reached right over to the tops of their thighs. They had bad hair, weird skin, and were only moderately attractive, with their one primary attribute being their ability to go so far onto the “bad” side of the acting spectrum, that it actually looped right back around to “funny.” And that, my friends, was your average 1970’s porn. And it was fantastic. I don’t have to compete with those porn stars, because they look like me! Or, G-D willing, WORSE! Now, not only do I have to compete with women who have breasts large enough to warrant their own zip codes, air – brushed butts, and lipoed thighs, but now people, NOW, now I have to fucking learn how to squirt! Oh what the hell..?!


Have you watched porn lately? I don’t mean the amateur stuff from YouPorn, I mean some of the more serious stuff coming out. Not only do most of these women squirt when they orgasm, meaning actually ejaculate from their vaginas, they fucking gush buckets! 1. I don’t entirely see how that’s sanitary, nor how you can really clean up after an event like that, and 2. I’m sorry… EW. Why is this desirable? Why is this something that turns men on? In fact, if you’re a man, would you please leave a comment and let me know what about this seems awesome to you? I actually showed a clip to my husband, who managed a, “Wow” before returning to reviewing papers. I couldn’t really tell if that was his thing or not, but he didn’t start pawing at the screen and drooling out of one side of his mouth, so I’m guessing not.

Why Has Squirting Become Popular?

So, it’s not bad enough that now women have to get lipo, lip injections, hair dye, and designer vaginas, but now I have to be able to use that vagina to hit a moving target at seventy miles per hour with just my kegel muscles, and a prayer? Look, I don’t mean to get down on women and how we orgasm. Sex should be great, and you should enjoy it, and it should lead you to your happy place, whatever that may look or sound like. I guess I’m just really confused as to why squirting is suddenly popular and desirable.

My Vagina Doesn’t Do Magic Tricks

It also begs the question of, what next? Ok, so now we’ve moved from regular chicks, to ones who are made up of eighty per cent non – biodegradable material. We’ve gone from bad pubic hair to no pubic hair, and now we’ve gone from orgasm to Old Faithful. At some point in the future, do I have to be on the look out for women who can bend their knees both ways? Should I be worried about competing with chicks who have found a way to make some heretofore unknown orifice? What about some woman who can do magic tricks with her vagina, like saw a man in half with it? Dude, my vagina doesn’t do magic tricks. I can’t compete! I’m already stressing about this!

I’m Pretty Much A Porn Genius

I am hereby calling for a return to the 1970’s view of women; somewhat hairy, kinda dorky, but innocent and with bodily fluids that primarily stay in the body. I, like men, would really like to see a porn with someone who looks more like me. Or WORSE than me. Give a girl hope, ok? I wanna see some chick who hasn’t been to the gym in two months (yeah, I am totally canceling that membership already!) order pizza, and have it delivered by Mr. October. I wanna see the tour bus for Australian Thunder From Down Under break down right outside this quiet librarian’s house, and they feel so guilty about calling AAA on her phone, that they all decide they have to pay her back by giving her multiple orgasms… and doing her laundry. You’re turned on right now, aren’t you? Yeah, I’m like a freaking porn GENIUS right here. How have I not been hired by the porn – makers of the world yet? What’s up with that?

I’m Freaked Out

Anyway, I think the real issue is that this is all getting out of control. I need things to go back to the way they were. No more squirting, no more DVDA, no more sex that nobody except the actors actually have. Bring back the dirty hotel rooms, the shady looking skinny dudes, and the hand – held camera action! Because, and let’s be honest here, I really can’t have my husband trying to use my vagina as a squirt gun. The whole idea just freaks me out… there will never be enough plastic tarps in the world for me to have a go at that.

Are you a squirter? Does it turn you on? If so, dear G-D… why?


  1. I feel sorry for you because you have such a low self esteem. Squirting isn’t something you learn. If the guy knows what he’s doing, it just happens. It’s normal. All women CAN squirt if the right kind of stimulation is provided (both physical and mental). Men (and women) who are disgusted by this should feel ashamed for bashing on nature.

  2. Damienne

    This is my first time on this site.. Stumbled upon this site by accident, because I was googling “squirters and gushers”. Why? Because I’m a 28 year old woman, and found out last week that I am a gusher. And when it happened I had the most amazing orgasm EVER, but also bawled for half an hour afterwards because I was so ashamed. I have been with the same man for 10 years, and like some pretty kinky stuff. But could never understand why I hardly ever orgasmed, and when I did, it was rarely of the “mind-blowing” kind.
    This article was very hurtful to me. I’m not here to point fingers and tell you that you are an awful person. But really, if this was meant to be a joke, well I don’t get it. I understand the point you were trying to get across, but the implication that squirters are gross was uncalled for. This could have been a great blog, had you stuck to the point, instead of saying that squirting was gross and disgusting etc.
    I admit, I looked up some “squirting” porn scenes, and found it to be repulsive to look at.. But who cares? Don’t watch that type of porn! I watch porn all the time and had never seen that, until I specifically looked it up.
    I just wanted you to realize, that just as I was starting to come to terms with the fact that if I want to have an amazing orgasm, then it would require a special blanket (and possibly some scuba gear, haha), i read this!! Though I’m glad I did, because I would not have known about the fascinator blanket.. Thanks people I am sooo gonna have to invest in one!!!!

  3. louise

    sounds like to me we got alot of incontinent ppl with weak bladders i dont even like mans sperm in my mouth it just ewww

  4. katie

    I honestly never knew what the big fuss was about until the first time when i did squirt. There is nothing more relieving or anything more satisfying than that. i have never felt any more loved or needed until it happened. Since i have taught myself to do it. i have not had a better sex life since! I am so glad that my husband asked for me to learn and read up about it so i could make him happy, but in itself it really was to make me happy!

  5. KBailey

    i think it is freaking awesme because i am a scorpio mail and it is as important for me to know that my partner is satisfied as it is for me to be satisfied.

  6. Bothered

    I'm frankly kinda put out by your conflation of squirting with air-brushing and lipo. I don't know why it's such a big deal in porn right now either, assuming it is- (I don't watch it) but I view the situation very differently.

    I was raised, as almost all of us were, in a culture that enforced femininity as delicate, groomed, and quiet. God forbid we do anything loud or messy during sex. Having to hold back is repressive and icky, and has more in common with shaving your cootch than the afro-bushes of your 70's porn. No one is asking you to perform. Your husband doesn't care for it, apparently, so unless you are a porn star or in an open relationship with squirting aficionados, just let it go.

    If you don't squirt, fine. That's you, and I'm not judging. But don't judge me, either. My body isn't gross. If your delicate sensibilities are offended, I suggest you watch less porn.

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