It’s the most wonderful time of the year again, Toy With Me-ers! Can’t you just FEEL the love dripping from everyone? Why, I was nearly mowed down by a couple of cars today trying to walk into Target to buy some motherfucking Christmas presents. Happy Motherfucking Holidays!
I kid, I kid. I may be one of the last people over twelve who still enjoys the holidays. The holidays are sparkly like me and even more importantly, filled with presents. There is nothing not awesome about presents.
So, Toy With Me-ers, I’m going to give you Aunt Becky’s Magical List of Things That Will Trim My Tree and Stuff My Stockings. Some of them are things I’ll buy myself and the others are things that I just, well, think would be awesome.
Onto the List Of Things That May Deck My Motherfucking Halls!
1) A New Bra
Okay, now this is like the most boring thing that you could ever want for Christmas and I totally get why you’re rolling your eyes right now. I sort of am, too. But, I’ve needed a new bra for three years and haven’t bought one because getting fitted for a bra is a most exquisite torture. It’s worse than the gynecologist because it takes so damn long (my gynecologist is efficient, which gives him high marks. Who wants someone digging around your snatch for any longer than they have to?). So I’m going to buy a new one. I’m guessing that the first one I will buy will be hot pink. The second? RHINESTONES, BABY. There’s no reason a bra has to be boring.
2) Vincent D’Onofrio
I think he’s been on every list of Weird Guys I Want To Have Dirty Sex With and he’s still there…if I could have sex with him from about five years ago.. And providing he can pretend to be his character from Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Because brilliantly quirky guys are pretty hot. Even if they’re technically old enough to be my father. (please don’t tell my father I said this. He may murder me and THEN who would churn out mediocrity at an alarming rate?)
3) That Diamond Vibrator
After my epiphany about putting mediocre things near my vagina, I realized that my vagina deserved pampering. A diamond vibrator? So long as I’m spending fake money, I might as well put something so ridiculously extravagant on here. And at three grand, Jimmyjane’s Little Eternity .66 carat diamond vibrator seems about the most insanely opulent thing to put near your crotch. I mostly want to buy it to show it off and make people uncomfortable. “Oh, HI THERE NEIGHBOR I DON’T KNOW. Please come in, why don’t you? Why what’s this here in this huge display case? Why don’t you LOOK AT MY DIAMOND VIBRATOR?” Heh. Be glad you’re not my neighbor.
4) Tom Jones
Not like THAT, you pervs. I don’t want to hump Mr. Tom Jones (EW). I mostly want him to come over and croon his romatical songs at me all night long. Especially his song, “Sex Bomb,” which, if you haven’t heard it, you really need to. After “What’s New PussyCat?” this song may make you a little blushy. Because he’s TOM JONES and he’s like eight-hundred years old and he’s being all SEXUAL. Which is just the right amount of awesomely bizarre to me.
Plus, the only thing on my Bucket List besides, “eat Uncrustables,” is “see Tom Jones in concert.” If he were HERE under my Christmas tree, I’d be able to have him in concert any time I wanted. Then, I could throw my panties at him strictly as a joke. Because really, I do not want to sleep with him.
5) Anthony Bourdain
I really DO want to sleep with Anthony Bourdain and I do not give a shit that he’s Captain Old Balls and also old enough to (potentially) be my father. There’s something incredibly satisfying about watching someone on the television who is wry, funny and sarcastic who also happens to like The Ramones. I’m pretty sure he’s my soul mate although he’s married, which means I’m going to have to somehow intervene. Can’t have my television husbands having The Sex with other ladies, even if they are bound by holy matrimony. Perhaps my rhinestone bra will help matters.
P.S. I don’t have daddy issues. I swear.
6) A New Pair of Fuck-Me Boots
I don’t really know what else to call “fuck-me boots,” besides, well, “fuck-me boots,” so I’m just gonna call it like I see it. That’s what I want. I own a couple of pairs. I remain convinced that I need more. Why? OBVIOUSLY.
Also: I blame footwear for those years of not feeling particularly sexy (pregnant + heels = a disaster for me). There’s nothing about Birkenstocks that screams “SEXY.” Although, I don’t really own any Birkenstocks. No, I don’t. I swear. Trust me, I’d tell you if I did.
7) A Group of BFF’s
That probably sounds a little silly, but I realize lately how much I miss having a gaggle of best friends. Life changes, you know? Sometimes you lose friends along the way. (Especially if you’re as rancid as I am to be around.)
I realize more and more how much I need good friends. Don’t care if it sounds as cornball as a Tom Jones song, it’s true and it’s something I’m going to have to do for myself. Unless they’re selling friends at Target. Which, hm, it IS a Greatland…
8 ) A Vigilante Sidekick
If I can’t have a gaggle of best friends, the next best thing is to get one REALLY GOOD best friend who wants to go on bank robbing sprees and be all Robin Hood with me. Possibly even a serial killer best friend who only kills bad guys, avenges past wrongs and has killer abs. Like Dexter!
(hm. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a vigilante best friend sidekick)
So, Toy With Me, this is what I want wrapped up under the tree, decking my halls and making my Christmas bright. Now tell me, what do you want under your tree (or your kitchen, or your hearth, or your bedroom)?