Are you a voyeur?

I have a confession to make: I’ve been a little pervey lately. Not in a stalkery way. I’m not peeping through key holes or spying on my neighbors having sex through night-vision goggles or anything like that. So that’s why she asked for those 3D binoculars for Christmas. 

You see, my boyfriend (P.S. I have a boyfriend now) made this sex tape eons ago and he mentioned it and immediately, I was like, “LET’S WATCH IT!”

Now I have respect for privacy, but it’s not like it was labeled CONFIDENTIAL or bound by a non disclosure agreement. I have absolutely no interest in watching people’s personal sex tapes (particularly celebrity sex tapes. Three words – Public Relations Jackpot), but this was different — watching someone I’m dating doing it with someone else. Purely concept driven.

SIDE NOTE: This is why you should never make a sex tape. They always leak. ALWAYS. Yeah, don’t worry, my naked ass is out there somewhere too. I was early twenties and conned into it. NEVER AGAIN. And don’t tell my parents…or my boyfriend. I think it would make him sad.

BACK TO: NOT my sex tape, I proposed, “Let’s watch it and then do it. It’ll be kind of like having a virtual threesome.” Like those virtual-reality movie rides at Universal Studios. And since I’m the Captain of this relationship (first time EVER and FINALLY!), boyfriend-guy said, “yeah okay.” I don’t think he was as excited as I was, but he didn’t mind coming along for the ride.

So he entered the DVD into its slot…and I started to get major-league paranoid. What if instead of turning me on, it’d turn me off? Or make me jealous? What if the girl was super hot and I’d have to live knowing I was one of the uglier ones of his girlfriends? What if she was AmaZING at sex? Would I suddenly become self conscious doing it with him? What if it ruined our relationship?

In the end, my yin outweighed my yang and I just had to see it.

Oh, BTW: He actually labelled the DVD, “Yeah, Buddy.”

Oh, men shall be boys.

So he hit PLAY and ten seconds into it, I yelled, STOP. Kidding. I was too intrigued and it was too late aNyWaY. Instead I watched and then… I laughed. Not because it was that funny — but because I was actually watching my boyfriend having sex with someone else — BY CHOICE.

Now the girl was pretty, but not Cindy Crawford “in the peak of her career” supermodel pretty, so I didn’t feel threatened or anything…and they were kind of amateurish together. Relief. You’re definitely not destined for porn, honey. 

After the laughter subsided, I decided to get into it. The way I see it, once you cross the line you might as well have fun on the other side. So I watched it again solo the following morning whilst servicing myself, allowing the footage to turn me on…and then I watched it the next day and then on the third day, boyfriend-guy said, “It’s kind of interesting that you find this interesting.” And suddenly I snapped out of my pervert trance and thought: WTF is wrong with me?! I’ve turned into a VOYEUR.

bloop, bloop…thought bubble: Is voyeurism natural?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to hit the streets and investigate an obvious answer to a question, Carrie Bradshaw style. Besides this is L.A. not New York. Instead, I’m going to unleash my general knowledge here: Yeah, we’re all freaken perverts, that’s why facebook is so famous. Whether it’s one of the downfalls of human nature; a default of our creation or just purely how it is, it’s hard to be dignified all the time. Most of us have some sort of curiosity about what others are doing.

Watching others — in the act of sex. I know some people are anti-porn, but I’ve never been. It’s a means to enhance and supplement, stimulate the imagination, ignite the mood. Sometimes I just can’t get into it and I’m like, Get off me! I need to go hang out with some detectives and smoke cigars or something — maybe investigate a homicide -- like a truly independent badass task or endeavor that requires desensitization because this closeness factor is eeking me out. Pass me my trench coat, would ya? I’ll be back at 3 a.m. unless I’m pulling an all-nighter with the boys. Enter a porn clip as a mediator and problem solved.

Truth is, sometimes I wish I was dirtier than I am — like I want full on hardcore porn style sex. Someone’s been a bad girl — I’m gonna rip that little “kitty cat” – And it’s just not gonna happen without some external influence, particularly if I’ve just gotten off the phone to my mother. Instant libido killer — for eternity. Only porn can transport me at that point.

And how about porn for educational purposes. How are you supposed to get better at sex without a little guidance?

Also, there are certain sex maneuvers I’ll never be able to perform, but it’s fun living vicariously through the lives of porn stars. In this one porn clip the chick was doing it on a slippery looking granite kitchen counter top with sky-scraping pointy stilettos. In the most daring position she was crouched and leaning backwards whilst bouncing on top of the guy. The dangers involved and the various accidents that could’ve resulted, she may as well have been walking on a tight rope without a net beneath. I’m not willing nor qualified to take those risks, but I do find them interesting to observe.

Still, there’s a difference between watching porn and an accidental sex tape. I’m sticking with the marketed industry crap from now on. So there you have it, I’ve been a voyeur lately. Interpret it how you will. Kinda kinky. Naughty. Bad. Dirty. I understand if you can’t look at me the same way anymore…unless you’ve been doing it too. Confess. Have you?

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About Lola Berlin

Lola Berlin has taken drastic measures in the quest for love including getting married in Vegas, faking her own death, and drinking blood -- only one of these is true - the Vegas part. In hindsight she should've faked her own death instead. Disillusioned and repulsed by the LA dating scene, she has found blogging a reasonable distraction from stalking her former lovers and contemplating murder motivated by unrequited love. You can follow Lola on Facebook

Comments

  1. I totally agree with you about how porn it is useful. I don't understand how some people can live without it and prentend to have fun sex?? Unless their partner watches enough porn for the two of them.

    I have never watched my boyfriend have sex with another girl but it could be interesting. Although I would prefer to watch it for real, not on tape. And participate after a while haha So anyways, I admire you for having the guts to ask him to let you watch the tape. :0)

    Keep being a voyeur and enjoy it girl!!

  2. Blue Lizard says:

    We sometimes venture into the world of porn…other peoples…commercial unbelievable-people-having-unrealistic-sex porn. But to see my wife in a porn having sex with another guy? I don't think so. I know what I can and can't do. He (they?) are probably better at it than me. I have no desire to lose what little confidence I got.

  3. Her Husband says:

    The thought of watching my wife on a sex tape has never crossed my mind; until today…wow! Good for you! I think it would be hot, I’d love to see the tape! She would have to make on first of course and since we are married that would be a non starter for her, but I now have a new fantasy to use when we are in bed with our various toys!!

  4. First of all, congratulations for being a bold voyeur! I definitely lean more towards voyeur than exhibitionist. I like watching porn with my partner from time to time; I like to see her reaction to kinky scenarios and this also opens a discussion between the two of us as to what we would like to try next! Great article!
    AdultEnthusiast recently posted..Advanced Sensory Deprivation

  5. “Yeah, we’re all freaken perverts, that’s why facebook is so famous.” So true. Haha!
    Pia recently posted..Family Lawyer

  6. Aρpreciatе the recommendation. Will try it out.

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