The Story Of The Birthday Blowjob

The first time I heard of oral sex, it was described in terms of bases. I think a blow job was considered to be third base, according to some of my seventh grade sources, but according to others, it didn’t register as a base at all. Between the new hormones raging so fiercely that I nearly mounted my locker rather than go to class, I don’t know how we were supposed to make heads or tales of it all with such conflicting answers.

All that I know is that when I first heard that I was supposed to some day put the sausage like appendage dangling between the legs of the boys I so desperately wanted to kiss, I sort of wanted to vomit. It just seemed so UNROMANTIC to me. I’d always pictured My First Time with lots of diamonds and unicorns and fluffy clouds, not with a penis in my mouth. Even the penis of the dude that I was crushing on so madly that I could hardly focus on anything else. In my fantasies, he was supposed to tell me of my radiant, haunting beauty, not suggest that I suck on his balls. It just all seemed so…wrong.

As I got older, I fell in with a group of guys who seemed to think of me as a guy…with boobs! Something that would probably explain why I am able to freely sit around and listen to people talk about their poop without wanting to toss my cookies. It also accounts, in small part, for my colorful vocabulary, so I guess I should publicly thank them for this. Thanks, Metal Heads, for the term “meat curtains” something that, no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find not hysterical.

But since I was seen as one of the guys, they thought nothing of talking about sex with me, and since as teenagers, pretty much all we ever thought about was The Sex, we spent a whole lot of time discussing it. Most of us spent more time TALKING about it than actually having it, which was a good thing for our sexually transmitted disease count, but a bad thing for our hormone levels. They talked a lot about blow jobs, something that I had studiously watched in many a porno but never had much experience with.

Apparently, since this was before most of us had The Sex on a regular basis, blow jobs were considered The Holy Grail to my guy friends which made them all the more fascinating and mystical to me. Not mystical enough to use them as practice, of course, although they regularly petitioned, because that just seemed somehow wrong to me. What I frequently pointed out to them was that although they would go on and on about how amazing getting oral sex was from their girlfriends, not a single one of them would actually reciprocate. GETTING it was okay, but GIVING it was not. This would sadly be a running theme I would see for years to come.

Many years later, in fact for my birthday one year, I was out and about with my boyfriend and we happened to be getting down and dirty in a parked car, because that’s what you do when you’re in college and don’t have a place of your own yet: you screw around in cars. Let’s talk about glamorous. So, we’re making out, and he pulls the, You Never Go Down On Me card out of his back pocket. On my fucking birthday no less! It’s one thing to ask for Mr. BJ on any given Sunday, it’s another to be guilted about something on your birthday, the one day of the year that should be full of the awesome, right?

Aunt Becky is okay with most things. Aunt Becky is HAPPY with most things (except talking about herself in third person which is kind of stupid except when necessary because it’s funny when other people do it but not when SHE does it). Aunt Becky HATES to be guilted about anything ESPECIALLY when a simple, “Hey, CAN YOU…?” will suffice. But then I was young and dumb and my balls were only made of rubber. Now they’re made of platinum, baby, and I would have told him to shut the fuck up and go down on ME for being a bung-hole on my birthday, because REALLY? My BIRTHDAY?

Anyway, so there I am, going downtown, and I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the wind blowing at an exact thirty-five degrees north-by-northwest. Maybe it was the angle of the motherfucking dangle. Maybe it was the pie I’d eaten for dinner. Maybe it was the particular shape of the moon. Maybe it was the third leaf of the ash tree on the fifth branch tilted just so. Maybe it just was. I don’t fucking know.

What I DO know is this: when the moment arose, your favorite Internet Aunt, the one who will one day show up at your holiday party in a very festive sweater and drink all of your vodka and make a spectacular ass of herself and probably you too, Your Aunt Becky did the unthinkable: she fucking barfed. All. Over. Herself.

Oh yes, I tossed my ever-loving cookies onto my pretty purple dress that I’d bought for my birthday effectively ruining it forever, because who wants to wear a dress that’s been bathed in a mixture of barf and spooge? Not fucking me, that’s for sure.

And as for him, pants still undone, penis slowly deflating, he looked at me with a mixture of shock and horror. I simply sat there, shocked. I wasn’t embarrassed, no, not yet. I was too shocked by my body’s reaction to be horrified.

Instead, I gathered the last shred of dignity that I had, calmly wiped my mouth with some fast food napkins leftover from lunch, and said, “So, you gonna go down on me now?”

He scrambled to open his door, barely making it outside before he tossed his own cookies. I smiled.

Revenge is a dish best served barfy.

Photo source

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. I love my hummers super sloppy but I think you might have taken that concept too far.

  2. LMFAO!! That is so not where I thought you were going to go with that!!

    Your comment to him after, though, PRICELESS!!!

  3. Yeah, that wasn't intentional ;)

  4. virginia says:

    That was the best story ever. Dry heaves here as we speak.

  5. One of my best friends can't give bj's because it makes her throw up. Every time. Yes, that is tmi to have about your best friend. What can I say, we were 18 or so when she told me.

  6. Apparently your gag reflex was stronger than you knew huh? Personally I'm a fan of reciprocating. A lot of times i'd prefer it. Admit that to my friends however? Not so likely.

  7. And somewhere, right now, that guy is telling the story of how his dick is so big that one time in college this chick couldn't handle it and puked all over the place!

    Good times.

  8. hahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahahaha

    This actually happened to me my senior year in – uh – college. Yes, college. Because that is way less slutty than high school.

    ANYway, I couldn't give a blow job for like 8 years after that because I was scared to death of throwing up.

  9. I'm a total tongue action guy.(once the woman has proven herself as far as cleanliness. not gonna go there) The whole throat thing amazes me though. How anyone can do that. I puke when i have a popcorn kernel skin stuck and I have to get it loose with my finger. Human sexuality amazes me. So all this circular logic leads us always back to the same place.

    Does size really matter? yes. Right in between or average may be just right? (Of course if you own a Hitachi and attachments….size means nothing too.)

    Bastard should be run over with studded tires. Your birthday….. what the hell was he thinking.

    • Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

      He at least could have waited til midnight.

  10. Thats so special. You can drink all of my Vodka and I will even buy more.
    Happy Weekend….

  11. Wow! This one sure had a real twist to it. Great recovery, BTW.

    I absolutely love being on the giving end. It's more important to me than receiving. There's no better feeling in the world than a satisfied partner.

    It truly is better to give than to receive… but a little receiving ain't bad either! LOL

  12. I'm so sad that you didn't throw up on HIM.

  13. Quite frankly, if my boy asked me to go down on him, I'd ask him to find the door and walk through it. Some people might be okay with it, but I find it the height of disrespect to be asked to perform such an act. Perhaps I'm just a prude. :P
    Never gonna stop reading this blog though. Too. Awesome.

  14. What is with the asking for it first? I'd be in much more of a giving move after receiving some first… then he wouldn't even have to ask.

    I think I'm more peeved that he would have asked (on your birthday, WTF?) than grossed out by the ending of that, at least it wasn't a happy ending for him.

  15. Not at all what I thought was going to happen. Though a very 'unique' way to ask for reciprocation from the old boyfriend.

  16. I always love a good blowjob story gone awry. Nicely done.

  17. Maybe that was your psyche's way of handling your not quite yet platninum balls. Somewhere between your brain and body, the sheer assinine-ness of his request on YOUR birthday triggered the gag reflex in high fashion.

    • Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

      I think you're on to something with your theory.

  18. hey, i'm ALL ABOUT the gagging–it shows gusto and a willingness to push boundaries.

    i am also twisted enough to be willing to try taking a roman shower, at least once.

    i'm also smart enough to know not to ask for a BJ on the giver's BD. ;)

  19. What a fuckwad, guilting you into a BJ on your fucking Birthday! Who the hell does he think he is??? Ugh. My only regret would have been that you didn't throw up on HIM. Scum. I can't believe you had the wherewithal to come up with that comeback though. And that, my Aunt Becky, is why I love you. You are so kickass.

    • Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

      It would have been priceless if she had barfed on him. Priceless!

  20. ROTFLMAO. Absolutely incredible story. As "one of the guys" in high school, I can relate to the sex talk and colourful vocab. However, I can honestly say that although my gag reflex has been activated on occasion, not once have I had to clean up anything off my dress that didn't come out of his penis.

    However, the absolute gall to guilt you into one on your birthday shows he wasn't worthy of you to begin with.

  21. pjdksmith says:

    Holy gawd but its been a while since I 'guffawed' at something i read on the internet besides the Wallmart People webpage… Absolutely the kind of Aunt I wanna invite to MY parties! But if you gotta hurl.. well, try a construction boot.. they hold a lot.. CHEERS!

    • Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

      Aunt Becky would be sure to make an impression at any party she attends, especially when the vodka is free flowing.

  22. Mmmm chunky BJ

  23. Wow, there's a birthday present you never knew you'd want: giving a bj. Now I'd give one for HIS birthday and then he'd reciprocate (because he's that kind of guy). Actually I'd give him one on any day ending in Y, I'm a strange creature.

  24. That was excellent! Interestingly enough I was just patting myself on the proverbial back last night in the middle of…um…orally satisfying my husband. I was thinking to myself how far I have come in this area from the gagging teenage girl I used to be.

    Women are awsome aren't we??

  25. Mariposita_Obsidiana says:

    I did basically the same thing the first time I gave oral to a boyfriend, only I managed to make it to the bathroom to vomit. And since we were at the movies, I made him go buy me a drink and candy to get that nasty ish out of my mouth.

    I was promiscuous little bitch.

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