How Does YOUR Garden Grow?

“Eventually Samson tells Delilah that he will lose his strength with the loss of his hair. Delilah calls for a servant to shave Samson’s seven locks.  Since that breaks the Nazarite oath, God leaves him, and Samson is captured by the Philistines.  They burn out his eyes by holding a hot poker near them.” Wikipedia

ShavingI have a power struggle when it comes to hair.  I have a lot of it. I don’t know if that’s because of  my wacky mix of ethnicity but I have the “Russian Spy Brow.”  If left untamed, my eyebrow (singular) rivals Bert (of Bert & Ernie fame) and could totally take down Brooke Shields in an eyebrow cage match.  Likewise on  my upper lip lives a little mustache.  Not one that makes children scream “Mommy! Is that lady a man?” but what I fondly refer to as “catfish whiskers.”  I take the tweezers to that bad boy too.  But then there’s that other area of hair to contend with–my garden.  And my garden, well, it could use some hedging.

Which is not to say that I’m not well groomed or maintained.  I am.  Just not to the extreme that some of my counterparts take it to.

Looking Like A Porn Star

I was 23 before I traipsed into the land of bikini waxes.  Really, seriously, 23.  Once when I was 17 I shaved it all off–with Neosporin because I heard that’s what porn stars did.  No idea why at 17 I wanted to be “cool like a porn star” but I may have been cutting edge, who knows.  My boyfriend didn’t even notice and I decided at that point that there was no point in sending sharp and/or hot burning things anywhere near my lady bits.  So I spent the next few years making nice with the scissors and avoiding swimsuits.  Until February of 2007.

I Get Waxed

I’d been invited to Steamboat Springs for a girl’s birthday weekend.  With MODELS.  As if it weren’t terrifying enough, now I was going to have to spend the weekend in my swimsuit with women who wear swimsuits for a living!  I quickly made an appointment with Allie, my esthetician and friend, because I figured if I trusted her to manhandle my face and go ninja on blackheads she was allowed to go near my hooha.

My first wax was.  It very simply was.  It was non-eventful to the point that a few months later I decided it wouldn’t hurt to do another one.  I guess it’s like the first time you try anything.  The first one of anything is always amazing, but subsequent tries never seem to duplicate the greatness.  I hated the fact that for all the time and money I only got to enjoy my smooth surface for 2 or 3 days and then dealt with weeks of annoyance.

It’s Called A Bush For A Reason

Back to the scissors.  Kept it trimmed but nothing fancy.  It’s called a bush for a reason folks and apparently in the land of recessionistas  I am in fact a trendsetter in the land of garden maintenance.  Hair is back people!  And thank the sweet baby Jesus.  I never understood why, once I’d hit puberty and stopped looking like a 5-year-old girl, I’d want to torture myself to look like a 5-year-old-girl.

Is It Pretty Down There?

That is until I start dating someone new.  A new young man who may be getting a glimpse at my parts and pieces sometime soon sends me back into punishment mode and I suddenly become overwhelmed with the difficult decision of whether or not to take a machete to the jungle and mow down the corn maze (figuratively of course).  Shaving my legs makes ME feel sexy.  Shaving my bikini line just makes me feel nauseous.  I obsess over whether my garden is well kept and pretty ENOUGH, because it’s not been sculpted like a bonzai tree.

I Have A Lot Of Body Hair

I have hairy toes too.  And I take scissors to that as well.  Hair is just one of those weird things I’m insecure about.  Like some man is going to notice that I have a hairy big toe.  Or that random black hair on the right side of the left nip.  He’s really more likely to notice the chipping toe nail polish, or the fact that I snort sometimes when I laugh. But my hair is EVERYWHERE and it makes me feel mannish at times. God bless the fine folks at Tweezerman for keeping my parts stray hair free.

Do Men Care?

I often wonder if men notice or care when it comes to the subject of my body hair.  Is this one of those things we’ve convinced ourselves matters when really no one notices unless prompted (or it’s intensely obvious like that woman at the Safeway who really does have a beard).  I guess I should be thanking my lucky stars I don’t have to contend with ear hair or nose hair that gets out of control, or back hair for that matter.  Or dealing with the lack of hair when those telltale bald spots begin to form on the top of many a young man’s head.

I’d like to think that given the chance, if some lucky dude has me naked and has full access to my lady bits that he’s not thinking about hair.

Besides, I won’t ask him to shave his back hair if he doesn’t tell me how to trim my hedges.

So tell me, how does your garden grow?

This is guest a post by Leah M. Charney.

Toy With Me About Toy With Me

Comments

  1. Guys notice. It’s just that we are so greatful to be close enough to see it that it slides by. But if you do want to make an impression, take it off. There is a reason porn stars and strippers do it: guys pay more to see that stuff without hair in the way.

  2. Clair Jordan says:

    My husband does like the clean shaven look. I’ve tried shaving but I too hate the prickly in between time. Nothing like wanting to scratch down there when you are in public!! I did decide to wax one time. I didn’t think anything of the fact that I am allergic to bandaids and adhesive – lets just say that the end result: Not attractive!

  3. I used to trim but now I just shave it all off. To me it’s not so much about appearance but about cleanliness especially during THAT time of the month. I have been shaving so long that I don’t get the bumps from after shaving. I like to keep it clean down there. As for my partner, I don’t mind that he has hair, just as long as it doesn’t get in my way when we are getting busy.

  4. I’m bald. I like it. I don’t bemoan the fact that I have in between stages, cause after a few years of waxing it has actually tamed mine.
    The first wax I ever received the woman proclaimed, “Those are the deepest roots I’ve ever seen!” She also took an hour to do it, and gave me a fifteen minute break with a glass of wine in the middle. Ha.
    Now days it’s a cinch. It takes 20 minutes, and my hair is softer and not as thick when it starts to grow back in. Some day maybe the laser…

  5. I have always believed that grooming was very important–both what can be seen and what cannot.

  6. Hair has never really been an issue for me, I think. Sure, growing up as a redhead/blonde (depending on how sunny it was), I got a lot more leeway in the locker room than did the brunettes. The hair on my legs, arms, pits, and face is very, very fine and very, very blonde. I dye or pencil in my eyebrows just so it looks like I have them. If I don’t shave for a few days, no one looking is any the wiser. My garden, well, it’s of a rosier hue and it’s fairly obvious.
    The partners I’ve had were never very particular about grooming and I think that’s largely because access overrules grooming preferences for all but the most OCD people. As for men actually noticing and caring, well, let me relate a story from when I was 18. The boyfriend had gotten quite stubbly and kissing him became an exercise in masochism, so I did what any girl too insecure to simply ask for what she wants would do–I threatened him. “If you don’t shave your face, I’m going to stop shaving my legs.” His response? He simply pulled up his pant leg, revealing your average amount of manly leg hair and said, “I honestly don’t know the difference when you do or don’t.” I know that one’s bits are a different story, especially for those who enjoy giving and receiving oral affection, but I remember that to this day.
    My hair (leg, pits, face, bits) has, since the age of 18, been ruled by feminist theory. When I want smooth legs for myself, or freshly-shorn pits, or a trimmed or shorn lady bits, then I do some maintenance. When I don’t care, the hair gets a bye. These days, now that I’m married (to a much hairier redhead), I pay less attention to my grooming. He doesn’t mind. Sure, he’s said that he enjoys “a clean workspace,” but when I’ve made the effort to shave, I haven’t gotten any action that night and by the next day, well, we all know how that goes. So I trim or I don’t and he makes do, with no complaints.

  7. As a boy I was never told about nose and ear hair. That crap snuck up on me. Somebody should have sat me down and given me a heads up.
    As for your stray hair on the nip and the little moustache, men know the hair exists. We do not care. Just maintain the obvious stuff.

  8. As a man, I tend not to worry about it too much. There are two exceptions. If it gets too thick then it becomes impossible to get down there with your tongue. That is a problem. Shaved smooth is fine.. but stubble is BAD.

    Weird that I am defined by how it impacts my oral sex experience.

  9. HAHAHA….flossing teeth…that is FUNNY. I like it. Stealing that, definitely!

  10. Like @DearRedhead I to am a maintenance freak. Nothing worse then a garden full of weeds.

    Helpful tip to men – If you don’t already know, girls love it when you exercise a little lawn care yourselves. Flossing teeth is for before sex, not during.

  11. I have the same exact struggle!!!! I never know if I should shave my koochipop…cause I feel kinda sexy for a few days after I do, then it just gets really prickly and…seriously, who wants a prickly cactus snatch?? Not me.

    I like to shave every once in a while to keep it under control, cause if I let it go it gets WILD…like Helena Boham Carter hair. But when I don’t care, I just trim with scissors…cause really, if my boyfriend makes a big deal that I have hair, then he is not worth it, HAH. But I don’t see him complaining when he gets access, so…yeah. And I don’t care if he has hair, so…I would assume the feeling is mutual. But I HATE the bumps the razor gives me…it makes me feel like I have acne down there. Have you ever gotten acne down there??? It SUCKS.

    Aaaaanyhairysnatch, my friend was thinking of getting a tattoo where she has a little frog with a lawn mower pointed straight at her pubes…HAHA…I think she should DO IT.

    I shave my armpits and legs like a fiend though…It just makes me feel sexy when I do, like…oo-la-la, I am SMOOTH.

  12. I hate razor burn. I don’t seem to be able to shave a bikini line without getting some horrible version of it, so… I modified my choice in swimwear. I wear the boyshort style now, so no one has to see it. I do TRY to keep things maintained, but.. that whole bald look? Not for me. I can’t handle the upkeep or the pain that it causes. I pluck my eyebrows, or wax them myself, because I’d rather not rely on some crazy lady with painted on brows to fix mine. I also have that occasional stray hair on my breast, but my hubby is kind enough not to mention it, and I remove it regularly.

    I DREAM of getting the laser hair removal thing done for my bikini and underarms. The eyebrows would be nice, but if they screw that up, it’s visible to everyone. . . So, you know.. I’ll keep dreaming of laser surgery, and muddle through somehow.

    I know that my hubby prefers things neatly groomed, but he’s kind enough not to say anything right now, as I’m very very pregnant, and can’t actually reach or see well enough to fix much of anything! lol

  13. Honestly, as long as you don’t have dredlocks in your garden then you’re safe. It’s also nice to not see stray hairs around the edges of your undergarments. The first nights with a woman aren’t such a big deal… we’re happy to have the pleasure. Living with a partner is totally different… us men have time to notice other things. Think of it like shaving a mustache/beard. It looks great when groomed, like a bum when not. Speaking of, it’s time for me to shave!

  14. Ooooh boy: I am simply obsessed with shaving. I can’t wax – it makes my porcelain skin glow like a bad, drunken Spring Break sunburn. Legs, naughty bits, armpits – it’s gotta be under control. I guess that’s the good side to OCD :)

    The eyebrows get plucked or waxed. Thankfully, my hair all over is reddish blonde so if I miss a day I don’t look like a Wookie. I think my man appreciates it. It’s never come up because I haven’t asked. It’s something I do for me!

    But I will say this: ladies and gents alike – if you’re shit looks like the something caught in your shower drain, get it under control. Ever tried to mow a lawn you let go for 6 months? Bob Villa can’t even break that shit down.