Is That a Medical Device On Your Hoo-Ha or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

If you read my blog, you’ll know I have no limits in the intimacies I’ll share with you. I should have a tattoo stamped on my forehead as a warning, so that anyone who had a problem with this could turn and run before I got too close. This photo is your warning.

(And she looks so innocent and smiley…)

Last week I did something daring. It was related to the bikini waxing I got in preparation for a beach trip, and no the daringness was not the actual waxing, which for me was brave enough in itself. (I’m typically an au naturale gal.) And no it wasn’t something so conventionally unconventional as a piercing there, or some vajazzling, to which I say, shudder. As well as…yeah, you’re almost close.

I’m a type 1 diabetic, which means I need to take multiple daily injections of insulin and test my blood sugar 10-15 times a day. To make things a tad easier, I use a wireless pump to deliver my insulin, and the Dexcom CGM system to continuously monitor my glucose. Also, I’m only 4 feet 11 inches tall and 95 pounds, so I don’t have a whole lotta body on which to place them. The sites are supposed to be rotated, and after almost 38 years injecting insulin, I’m dealing with a lot of scar tissue that affects insulin absorption and the glucose monitor sensor readings. Also, I’m a little too vain to wear the devices on my arms or legs during the summer, so that leaves the belly, love handles and butt.

And now, down there.

Okay. I know!!!! But when I first got started on the pump three years ago, the pump trainer suggested several spots that could be used, and told me she’d worked with a woman who routinely used her private parts. To which I said exactly what you would say, Ackkkk!!!! and Nooooo!!!! and WTFBBQ!!!! But then…there I was last week, needing to change my pump site, and I looked down at my freshly waxed self and thought: This would make an interesting blog post. Oh, the things I do for readers.

Before: OmniPod pump site on the right, Dexcom glucose sensor on the left

The belly, happy for a brief reprieve…

(Note to self: Next time when you’re going to take a belly photo? Suck in. Also? Wear nicer shorts.)

And Now, After

Okay, yeah, I’m not going to show you a photo. But I will give you a minute by minute breakdown of my first hour on the downthere-pod (or, the DTPod.) (Or perhaps we should call it the LPod.) (Think about it.) Because I realize you’re dying to know. And want you to vicariously feel my pain.

9:50 A.M.: Damn, this thing is big. It’s actually almost as big as the part of my body I’m going to be putting it on.

9:51 A.M.: I’m going to have a serious cameltoe issue. Ha! I should buy a Camelflage! (Sidenote: You MUST click on that link and be amazed that such a thing exists. A quote from the site: “You have enough to worry about these days; the last thing you need to think about is your panties riding up during your cardio kick boxing class.” I mean, really people? Really???)

9:52 A,M.: Okay, here we go.

9:55 A.M.: …Presses some buttons, fills pod with insulin, presses more buttons and then… Ouchohmygoshowowowowowowoooowwwww!!!!!

9:56 A.M.: …jumping up and down wordlessly…

9:57 A.M.: …heavy breathing…Okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay. But feel strangely weighted on one side, like I’ve been stricken with a weird tumorous growth.

9:58 A.M.: Is this how it would feel to have one testicle? I think this is the first time I’ve ever really thought about how it feels for men, carrying those testicles around everywhere they go. No wonder they’re always making adjustments.

9:59 A.M.: …Pulls up jeans, fastens them, takes a step, quickly unfastens and pulls them down again. Okay, I will not be wearing jeans for the next three days.

10:03 A.M.: …Newly clad in sweats, hobbles to couch, sits…Owowowowowowowowwwww!!!!

10:04 A.M.: …Spreads legs, settles self veeerrry carefully.

10:09 A.M.: …Tries to read newspaper for distraction, but minutes later thinks: Oh hell, there’s no way this site is going to stay sterile. What’s going to happen when I have to pee?

10:10 A.M.: …Suddenly really has to pee. Desperately tries to think of other things…

10:14 A.M.: OMG, I wonder if I’ll be able to feel it when I bolus insulin.

10:15 A.M.: …boluses 0.1 units, just to see… Nope. Oh well.

10:16 A.M: But wouldn’t it be interesting if the OmniPod vibrated, like other pumps do? Make it a dual-purpose device. And I could call it…the OrgasmiPod!

10:17 A.M.: …grinning at self…

10:18 A.M.: …unthinkingly lies back on couch with newspaper–immediately stops grinning…

10:20 A.M.: …lists things that can not be done while wearing the DTPod: Lying down without pre-thinking how to arrange one’s body; wearing jeans; crossing legs; peeing; sex…All things that people like doing. The OrgasmiPod will probably not sell well at all.

10:25 A.M.: …tests blood sugar to see how well the site is working…104! (Normal is between 80 and 120.) Not bad for post-breakfast! At least diabetes-wise, the DTPod is a success.

10:45 A.M.: …My husband enters the room carrying our 3-month old daughter and I offer to feed her, trying to look nonchalant as if I’m not wearing a medical device on my cootchie…

10:50 A.M.: …Elizabeth adds one more thing to her list: Holding a kicking baby on one’s lap. Tries to explain the dilemma to her daughter. Sorry, Anna, I can’t hold you right now for fear of squashing or actually amputating a very, very important part of my sex life.

So that was my first hour on the DTPod. Really I did get used to it after awhile; it stopped hurting (I may have developed calluses) and I stopped feeling like a huge bloated tick was hanging off me, and was actually able to engage in conversation without making squinchy faces. But…I won’t be doing this again.

Although interestingly, throughout the three days using this site, my blood sugars were excellent, only got high twice, and this was while I was vacationing on the beach with no fixed schedule, and lots of salt water taffy. Why? Because, um, labia have a lot of insulin-absorbing fat? Maybe I should write to Insulet, the OmniPod company, to see if they have any interest in my experiment, and want to do more research. Imagine the headlines on their website:

Pod Placement

About the Author

Elizabeth is the bestselling author of two novels, and the usually but not always safe for work blog “Pieces of My Life.” She’s also the proud mama of a baby girl she and her husband adopted three months ago, because of whom she only vaguely remembers what sex is. Which is made bearable by the fact that she’s now visited nearly every night by George Clooney (sans beard), Colin Firth (Pride and Prejudice version) or recently, weirdly, Paul Giamatti. And they are just as good as you might think they would be..