Riding on Boys in Cars: My Life Has Come Full Circle

carDo you remember in high school, you didn’t have your own house or apartment so you were forced to make Sexy Time in your car? Or in your date’s car? Or in your date’s mom’s car?

Remember how much that sucked?

Only you didn’t know it sucked because you probably had nothing to compare it to. Sure, maybe you got a little nookie on the couch in your mom’s basement, but if you’re anything like me, you did it in the car most of the time.

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend named Tommy. He was my first and only boyfriend because I don’t know why, but I was total boy repellent. Maybe it was the braces I wore until junior year, or that I was an esteemed member of the “nerd herd,” or maybe it was because MY DAD WAS A TEACHER AT MY HIGH SCHOOL!!!!

Yeah.

My Parents Were Cock BlockersMy very large dad with the notoriously bad temper was a teacher at my high school.

And he was my class advisor, which meant he was at every event.

Even PROM.

As was my mother because she was his date.

I wouldn’t have wanted to go out with me either, so I can’t say I blame the boys for shunning me. I was pretty cute, too–all blond hair and tiny skirts. I even drove a new sports car. It must have been torture for the poor slobs.

Anyway, along came this Tommy fella. He was very cute and popular and he wanted to go out with ME! Looking back, I realize that he wasn’t exactly what people would call smart. In fact, he was dumber than a bag of rocks and that’s probably why he wasn’t scared of my dad, but he was willing to be my boyfriend despite the risks involved and so I loooovvvveeeeddddd him.

And the way to make a boy love you back is to do the sucky fucky for him and so that’s what I did. In the car. A lot and a lot.

There was a park where we always went, and I swear to Jeebus it was just like the school parking lot except it smelled like a Trifecta of Naughty–sex, booze, and ciggies. The ground there, and this is really gross, was littered with used condoms, cigarette butts, and Purple Passion bottles.

Remember Purple Passion?

I think it even came in a two liter soda bottle and oooooooo…I thought that was the height of sophistication.

I was stupid.

Arbor Mist is the height of sophistication.

Also, White Zinfandel.

Classy ladies like me know all about good wine and stuff.

But those days in high school were the halcyon days of youth when the biggest worry was getting caught by the cops while giving head in your boyfriend’s mom’s Volvo.

But it’s different now as I am the proud owner of a monstrous mortgage payment and find myself once again without a place to do Sexy Time. There’s always the threat of a kid walking in and seeing the porn on the TV, or the midget wearing a chin strap dildo, or my husband in his assless leather chaps. So the only place we have to do it, without interruption, is in the car.

I used to be the babysitter, doing the sucky fucky in the car and now I need a babysitter so I can do the sucky fucky in the car.

My Kids, The Cock Blockers

I would like to say that the only other difference is that now I have a nicer car and I don’t need condoms anymore, but my car sucks and I still have to use condoms!

Oh, woe is me, Toy With Me peoples!

But you know what? Out of desperation, I’m going to give it a whirl because maybe it’ll be fun.

I have a few concerns though because I’m not a noob at the Sexy Time anymore. I have standards for excellence that that young girl had no concept of, and I’m not sure how attainable those standards will be in the front seat of my husband’s Subaru. And I’m not as flexible as I was in high school. Getting around that stick shift may be tricky, to say the least. It could lead to Something Unfortunate happening if I fall on it without my panties on. Try explaining that injury to the wookie doctor (or the ass doctor).

And what about my husband? He’s 6 foot 4. Most cars are too small for him, even under the best of circumstances. I’m thinking the chances of him breaking a window with his ass are pretty high. Or, if I’m on top, my head could go through the windshield and frankly, I think my head has had enough Sexy Time trauma for one lifetime.

This is clearly a logistical nightmare and for the first time in my life, I’m wishing we had gotten some sort of giant, pimped out mini van with the TV screens, fold down seats, and TINTED WINDOWS.

And speaking of privacy, OH MY GAWD what if we get caught by the po-po? I went to high school with so many of them –“hey Crissy! It’s been a while! Last time I saw you, you were half naked and sucking dick! I guess not much has changed since high school, huh?”

(Shakes fists at the sky)

WHY DID I BUY A HOUSE IN THE SAME TOWN WHERE I GREW UP???

(Buries head in hands)

Clearly, we’re going to have to borrow somebody’s mini van (if anyone we know will let us after reading this) and leave town if this has any chance at working out. However, I’m gonna try it and I’m gonna report back to you because you’re nice and so sexy (have you been working out?) and also because I’m desperate because rubbing one out in the ladies room at work is losing its romance.

Toy With Me About Toy With Me

Comments

  1. My high school “sex wagon” was a Pontiac Sunfire, but I think we only did it twice. Hubby felt a little miffed so we revisited an old back road in Exeter on our honeymoon a few years ago. He dropped his wallet in the mud outside of the car, since our rental was too small to actually undress in. He didn’t realize it until we were back at the beach house and we had to do a drive of shame at 4 AM. Nothing like makin’ memories!

  2. My teenage car experiences were usually left to my BF’s ’72 Impala (or the boat) plenty roomy.

    Hubs and I haven’t had any luck with the “breaking in of our vehicles. We used to have a motorcycle (which while stored overnight in a friends garage – they broke in), I have a mustang and the only way that is happening is if we clean out the garage and put the top down (Clint is tall like your hubs and I’m not short). On the plus side we bought and expedition last month and we can lay down all the back seats. I guess I know what I’m doing on date night this month!

  3. Shane Williams says:

    In cars is never good on cars however can be quite fun. May I suggest an 1971 Cutlass Supreme w/ a 3/4 race cam…The hood has two large pods and a dip in the middle for his/her ass. And w/a stout cam, when you leave it running not only does the hood stay warm ,but the vibrations are heaven.

  4. I’ve never done it in a car. I am a dork.

  5. Oooohhhh yeahhhh, sexytime in the Honda Civic and the ride home sittin’ in the wet spot. And then marrying the guy and finding out that he wasn’t just quick cuz we were in a car and could get caught any minute. ::Sigh::

  6. I laughed out loud at this! I have to say, as some others have noted, that some good times can be had in the car. Never underestimate the sexiness of sort of half out of the car, on top, holding on to an open sunroof from underneath– ideally in a church parking lot. Works every time.

  7. Believe it or not, I never had sex in a car until I was married, lol. I had a lot of sex at my friend’s house whose dad was really old and slept all the time though…

    And, for the record, your midget cockblockers are FUCKING adorable.

  8. Miss Buttkiss says:

    I am so happy that cars in the 50’s were huge inside and out. My fondest memories are from a 58 Chevy Impala convertible.

  9. When this van’s a-rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’.

    You can totally borrow my van. Just wash out any cum stains, okay?

  10. Very Funny! I have such fond memories of St. Craigs and Goddard Park.

  11. I still have a scar on my leg from can encounters. My boyfriend and I were going at it and I felt a burning sensation on the side of my knee and paid no attention to it. Well, when we were finished, I looked down, and the seatbelt housing had rubbed all of the skin off of that spot. That was the last time we ever had sex in my tiny ass car.

    Oh and you have the cutest lil cockblockers ever!

  12. I think I am in love. The picture of your girls with the word ‘Cockblockers’ written across the bottom? PRICELESS. (As is the one of your parents at the prom – which should also have ‘Hawt Mess’ on it.)

    I once dated a guy, and for multiple and varied reasons, we only had sex in the car. To this day I am positive that is the reason why I have problems with my right knee (it got wedged between the seat and the door mid-thrust and something popped . . . try explaining that one to the orthopedist.) I always thought of it as kind-of fun and spontaneous, and have tried to get hubby to give it a shot on more than one occasion. Not only is he a prude when it comes to that stuff, but the logistics of having to remove and re-install 3 carseats is too much for him. How thrilled am I that my kids are cockblockers outside of the bedroom as well?!

  13. I’m only here for the promise of chocolate and virgins!

  14. Crap! I was going to ask if I could borrow your van, Val!

  15. Even though we have the pimped out minivan, we still have never christened it in that way. I don’t think that it would be that comfortable. The seats don’t really recline that well. My only advice is invest in a very strong bedroom door lock. The photos of the two sets of cockblockers was funny.

  16. My mom is gonna shit when she comes here, reads this, and sees her picture.

    I’ll be expecting a phone call…

  17. Ouch. So basically you’re screwed.

    But not literally.

  18. Having never experienced car sex (nose grows), I intend to add it to my Fucket er… um – Bucket list.

  19. I just crapped my fancy pants at the mere sight of your “cockblockers” caption on the yearbook photo. I. Bow. To. You.

  20. Never had car sex as a teen, oddly enough there was plenty of empty apartments around (where the hell were our parents?!?). Car (and outdoor and strange place sex) only came into play when I met my husband. And incidentally, riding down I-95 S naked, although not car sex in and of itself, is very titillating (how appropriate) and will eventually lead to a good time. Oh, I have a mini van and am only a couple of towns away.

  21. Looks like you cum full circle.

    We always took the cock blockers to stay with grandma on Sunday afternoons.

    Please bring back double Queen Wednesday!

  22. This brings to mind one of my high school sexcapades that involved Fuck Me Sideways Billy having sex with your truly in his car, in a nice neighborhood, parked right in front of Who Knows Who’s house. Fuck Me Sideways Billy was so classy, he brought beer. Lots of it. Only problem was he kept it in the trunk and therefore had to retrieve it whilst nude.

    He was gorgeous.

  23. I love a good turn in the car. Again, car seat problem, but whatever. I like the closeness and the memories of high school.

  24. Time to get a minivan!

  25. oh… sex in the car… those old times I really don’t miss at all

  26. The height of the car’s hood can add or detract from the experience. I have “heard” that a 1990 Geo Metro is not a good choice, either inside or out! The back of the Silverado now that sounds good. Good luck with you plan.

  27. We went through a whole phase where we would get all drunk and do this in random spots around the city. It fun – but it passed.

    What?

  28. So freaking funny! My mom was a teacher, too…but that didn’t stop the boys. I couldn’t imagine having a big, mean daddy there though. That would have been terrible!

    I loved the photos on the side. Yearbook pictures with your commentary added…and then seening the newest “cockblockers’. I literally laughed out loud and scared my dog! Ah. You never fail to entertain!

  29. WOW–that’s a mighty fine offer from Kendra!

    and car nookie is so much better than beach nookie…the sand clings for days afterwards in very easily chafed areas….

  30. Ah yes, memories of high school, getting busted by the fuzz with flashlights beaming into fogged-up windows of his chevy hatchback… Ha!

    If it might help your unfortunate situation, Jeff and I would be willing to let you borrow the Silverado which has a nice big bed into which you could put you air matress for maximum comfort. I’ll even watch the little cute little cockblockers while you go for a ride!

  31. Lynne- There is an early 90’s vintage Volvo with my ass print on the hood. I have NO IDEA how it got there…

    Daisee- Uh-huh.

  32. I may or may not have experienced issues with stick shifts in my lifetime. NOT FUN.

    Thankfully, no doctors were involved.

    I mean, if that actually occurred to me. you know, because it’s all hypothetical since I said “may or may not.”

  33. I had so much car sex as a teen! I even had it on TOP of a car once. I don’t recommend it. Let the neighbors babysit the cockblockers for an hour and run around the house naked. I don’t see any good coming of grown up car sex and knowing your luck, you’ll be explaining to the proctologist how you got a stick shift in the Cheney.

  34. Lonnie- You missed NOTHING. It was awful. We just didn’t know it.

    Tess- rewards await you in heaven, my child.

  35. We’d have to take the car seats out, but the back seat might be our best option.

  36. DIBS on the 40 hot virgins and all the chocolates I want!!!!!

  37. I laughed out loud at the thought of Ken’s ass breaking a window! I hate to admit it, but I’ve never actually had the pleasure of Sexy Time in a car. I know. I’m a geek. Actually, I was a late bloomer and didn’t need to use a car because I had an apartment. I don’t think I really missed much…

  38. Why does the first pic look so damn familiar? Hmmm …

    Put on a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads, and you will rule the backseat.

  39. i am SO pleased about this latest endeavor!

    i know the spatial logistics will be a challenge, but i am up for it.

    so to speak.