Tonight, We are Having The Sex

Hubby

Tossing my last folder in my briefcase and grabbing my coat, I flip the switch to my office light with a playful tap, smiling, and whistling like a dork because I KNOW for a fact that tonight…I’m getting lucky!

Hopping in the car, I crank the radio and in my mind imagine the wifey, walking in after tucking the kids into bed, wearing her sexy see-through nighty. She shuts the door behind her with an “” look on her face.

But just to take the pulse of the scene back at the sex palace, I grab my cell phone to let her know Lover Boy’s on his way home.

Wifey

When the phone rings, I trip over ten-thousand Lego towers and naked Barbie dolls before I can blurt out an annoyed “hello,” and I am instantly filled with dread when I hear the excitement in his voice on the other end. I glance over at the calendar and realize that holy shit, tonight’s the damn night. I’ve put it off for an entire month, but now the time’s finally come for me to put in my wifely face-time and have sex with my husband.

Hubby

Hearing the cheer in her voice I know right then and there it is on-like-Donkey-Kong. I think I’ll even slide in an extra nookie bonus point by telling her I’m gonna order a pizza on the way home, so she won’t have to worry with cooking, cleaning, or mopping. Feeling like a rock-star husband, I crank the music even louder and get my pre-game face on!

Wifey

I laugh to myself as I hang up the phone and glance around at the clumps of mac & cheese stuck to the floor and the spilled cup of milk under the kitchen table. He honestly thinks bringing home a freaking pizza’s gonna prevent me from having to clean?! Ha! Snapping back to the reality of having to “perform” later on, I grab a bottle of wine and take several giant swigs before pouring a filled-to-the-rim glass for myself. I need to get good and loopy if I’m gonna have to be get my groove-thing on.

Hubby

Cruising along, 10 minutes away from rolling-up in the house family-man style, I get a call from my boy “Scrags” who’s begging me to stop and grab a quick beer and watch a few minutes of the hockey game.

Me: “I would my-man, but I seriously need to get home, slam the kids and bed, and provide some lovin’ to the ole lady.”

Scrags: “Seriously? Wow, you’re a lucky dude. But come on man. Just a quick shot and a beer. No big deal. I’ll even bring a breath mint! Just say you hit traffic.”

After searching my soul for a brief second I suddenly remember that I did order a pizza! And since tonight’s the night, I know she’ll be in a kick-ass mood. So I give my lovely princess a call, to let her know I’ll be a bit late due to traffic.

Wifey

I listen to his excuse with fumes coming out of my nose. The dog’s just peed on the couch, the kids have stopped up the toilet, and now he’s gonna be late?! Screw the friggin’ pizza—I need some reinforcements!

I tell him that he better get his ass home ASAP and help me herd the cats or my legs are closing up shop for the next month.

Hubby

“Hey Scrags…ummm…yeah it’s a no-go brother. Sorry man. I gotta get home and do the husband/dad thing!”

Still shaking a little bit from the conversation with the wifey, I try to recoup and get back to my A-game. By the time I reach the driveway, I can see the wife’s head pop in the kitchen window for a brief second – but not long enough for me to get a quick read on what lies on the other side of the door.

Entering the house, I yell, “Hey beautiful! Lover Boy’s home!”

Wifey

I instantly throw the dog leash at “Lover Boy” when he comes in and quickly down another big swig of wine before marching the kids upstairs to bed. I glance in the mirror at the bags under my eyes and the crusted kid boogers on my shoulder. I shake my head and wonder why anybody in their right mind would wanna get with this. I’d better start practicing my “ooh baby” and “yes, Daddy” cause an Academy Award-worthy performance is gonna be in order tonight. Sleep sounds WAY more appealing to me at this point in the day.

Hubby

Grabbing the leash from the wifey I give her an assuring “wink” to make sure she knows I’m just as excited as she is that tonight’s the night, and  I head out for a walk with the dog, convinced that I’m banking even more nookie points by the second.

Wifey

After tucking the kids into bed, I give my pits a quick sniff check to make sure I remembered to put deodorant on eons ago this morning. I’m so tired that I don’t even bother changing out of my stretched out comfy t-shirt as I crawl into bed. I flip on the T.V. while I wait and see that “The Bachelor” is wooing yet another little blond skank. Just as the show is starting to get good, “Lover Boy” struts into the bedroom with a come-hither look in his eyes.

Hubby

Sticking one leg in the doorway and giving it a little kick while singing “bom chika wow wow“, I start my little dance of love—knowing this is my wifey’s absolute favorite thing in the world. I spin into the room while simultaneously pulling my shirt off and slamming into the end bed post. I lick my finger and run it down the front of my chest to my belt and slowly unbuckle it while looking sexy at the wifey. I slowly slide my belt off, and as it leaves the last loop, I whip it towards the TV in an effort to try and turn it off. Instead, I knock over the wifey’s glass of wine next to the TV.  Grabbing a towel from the hamper I do a quick clean-up job while shaking my underwear-clad ass at the wifey to try and keep the sexy alive.

Wifey

I can’t believe he still insists on doing this God-awful strip-tease for me every single time we’re gonna bump uglies. It seriously couldn’t be more of a turn-off. And to add more insult to injury, he’s gotta wear that stupid ass leopard print thong to boot?! I close my eyes and pray that when I open them, Brad Pitt will be standing before me with a new oversized glass of wine.

Hubby

Tossing the wine-drenched towel to the side, I slowly take off my kick-ass, leopard print thong that I know she loves. Giving her my sly, sexy smile, I take the thong and stretch it out, letting it shoot directly at my sexy wifey laying in bed enjoying the show of a life time.

Wifey

I flick that shiteous thong from my face and think, “;”>For the love of God, can we just get this show on the road already?!” I glance at the clock to see that my few hours of beauty sleep are dwindling away by the second. I know that I need to take matters into my own hands, so I yank him from his precious dance floor and on top of me and tell him it’s do or die. He begins kissing my face as if I’m a damn melting ice cream cone, and I grit my teeth and tell him to “just relax.”  Right about that time is when I hear, “MOMMY!!!!!!”

Hubby

“Of course!!’ I scream in my head, just when everything is going perfectly, and the wifey is clearly the hottest she’s ever been for me, the little cock-blocker has to jump in.

“It’s cool. Stay right there, keep being incredibly sexy, and I’ll be right back,” I tell her as I throw on a shirt and pajama bottoms and quickly tuck Mr. Happy into the waistband so I don’t scar the kid for life.

After filling an empty glass of water at mach speed, I return to the love palace, chest pumped out for having quickly dealt with the whiny nipper, and begin giving her a second round strip tease.

Wifey

My eyes can’t take any more of this nonsense—I’d much rather be gettin’ down with the Sandman. “Honey,” I say as calmly as I can. “Your window of opportunity’s getting smaller and smaller. If you want a piece of this ass, you’d better put all your so-called moves back in their jar and get down to business.” I try my best to get into the mood as he moonwalks over to the bed.

Hubby

Giving the wifey one last look at my ass doing the moonwalk, I do a quick spin move and hop into the love pallet. Remembering how much she loves my intense kisses, I start in, but not before giving her a warning that, “I’ve got my A-game on tonight honey. I hope you’re strapped in tight and know where all the emergency exits are located.”

Wifey

Just as I start to really get into it and climb on board the “Big O” roller coaster, Mr. Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am lets out his infamous “Who’s Your Daddy?” cry, signaling that this ride is sure enough coming to a close. And just like that, my seven minutes in “heaven” is over lickety-split.

I snicker to myself when he asks me, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?” I don’t even bother to answer because in the next breath, the sounds of sawing logs drown out any thoughts I may have had swirling around in my head.  So much for romance….