I Am Afraid Of My Vagina

Why Am I Afraid Of My Vagina?As part of my “getting ready for my wedding” To Do List, along with Get Pedicure and Find Temporary Home For Joey The Mean Hamster (And Maybe Forget To Pick Him Up), my best friend and Maid of Honor made us appointments to get our undercarriages waxed. Many episodes of Sex in the City had made me fearful of the amount of pain this would cause, but after pushing my son’s enormous cranium out of the same area without any pain medication, I thought that I would be able to handle it. I was slightly apprehensive, I thought, but anxious to try an new, balder crotch.

For various reasons, the appointments were canceled and I breathed a larger sigh of relief than I realized I was holding. I thought about it a little, as I drove from florist to photographer back to florist again, trying to figure out why every cell in my body was rejoicing at the news, and I finally figured it out. It wasn’t the pain, I was fine with pain. Even the uncertainty of how much it would hurt didn’t bother me as much as it would some. No, I had been terrified of seeing my own naked, fleshy vagina.

My biggest fear (besides being stuck in a roomful of earwigs dancing interpretive dances) has always been that I would somehow end up in a room with a bunch of women, learning to love myself, while sitting on crocheted pillows in a semi-circle and talking about channeling our Inner Goddess. It wasn’t the incense or herbal teas that freaked me out, it was the thought of the leader of the group pulling out hand-mirrors and forcing us to look at our own genitals. Something I never, ever really want to see up close and personal.

I mean, even after having my babies, given the option to watch myself push my child from my body, I’d quickly insisted that the mirror on the ceiling (it was a progressive hospital, not Hotel California) be tilted as far away from me as it could so that I couldn’t catch an accidental glimpse as I shifted positions or something.

I know. I KNOW. I shouldn’t be afraid of looking at what makes me different than the boys. I should embrace it. Perhaps hang art on the walls, pictures, maybe of flowers spread open like labia. Maybe I should, instead of shuddering in terror at the thought, have a sculptor make an exact replica of my vagina to wear as a necklace. As a symbol of power. As a symbol of giving life. As a symbol of being A Creator.

But no.

Before the feminists start throwing copies of Betty Friedan’s classic, “The Feminine Mystique” at my head, screaming about how I’m sending out the Wrong Message about being female means that I must embrace the genitals, let me assure you this: I am an equal-opportunity genital hater. While I like their function, I don’t really want to sit around waxing poetic while staring dreamily at The Penis either. Genitals, to me, are just kind of weird looking.

What, me, neurotic?

While to most people, the prospect of coming eye-to-proverbial-eye with another person’s genitalia is something that happens voluntarily after a few too many Long Island Iced Teas, I’m a recovering nurse, and I once worked on the floor where babies are delivered. Trust me when I tell you with absolute certainty that there is such a thing as an ugly vagina. I’ve been eye-level with enough of them to know. Pregnancy, of course, adds swelling in the darnedest of places leading to something that we in the industry refer to as “cheeseburger crotch,” which is exactly what it sounds like: your vagina has been replaced with a cheeseburger.

Hungry now?

Working there, while it did get me accustomed to being flashed by random strangers, did nothing to alleviate my fears. In fact, it may have enhanced them slightly. Because it was then when I realized that my husband really WAS lying to me when he said that “it looked the same.” Or if he wasn’t lying, I personally am the proud owner of the ugliest crotch on the planet. Way to boost my confidence, Daver.

And while I am a certifiable crotch-o-phobe, I’m surprisingly laid-back when it comes to land (or man) scaping of the pubes. Anything to cover it partially up, right? Providing a few rules are met by myself and The Daver, we’re all good:

First, no pubes that can be measured in inches. While I appreciate the au naturale look proudly sported in 70’s pornos, I don’t want pubes that could double as dental floss. Also, especially in bathing suit weather, pubes cannot hang out of the side of the crotch, no matter how little time one has to prepare for said beach. (this goes without saying, of course, that men should probably avoid thong Speedo swimsuits. Particularly if they want to stay married to me)

I certainly don’t mind a full bush, providing the spider legs don’t seep out the sides, because I would be forced to spend the entire day staring at your crotch. Which is probably not a good thing. Lastly, while one should spend SOME time maintaining the garden, anyone with a weekly theme–complete with dyed hair–is probably someone I’m not interested in having The Sex with. Because then I am probably not the only one who has The Sex with said person. Also, I would wonder who had stolen The Daver’s brain and replaced it with kinky Cheese-Whiz if he shaved his hair into a heart, because that is SO not his thing.

Sometimes, being a crotch-o-phobe makes me feel slightly guilty, like this must imply that I’m some sort of buzz-kill prude that people don’t want to invite to parties lest I scream and soil myself at the sight of a nearby penis or something. Then I remember that some people are opinion-o-phobes (Allodoxaphobia), or teenager-o-phobes (Ephebiphobia) and I feel a little better about myself. Everybody has their thing, right?

If being afraid of naked crotches is my thing, what’s YOUR thing?

Toy With Me About Toy With Me

Comments

  1. Female = She-she

    Male = Ho-ho

    Now, I'm not saying those are the names MY WIFE and I use, but I'm not denying it, either.

  2. Being stuck in a room full of earwigs doing interpretive dances is my biggest fear too.

  3. My lady has the most beautiful parts I have ever seen and she keeps them smooth. I cant say I have ever seen such a beautiful woman down there, and I have seen a porn or two.(ok more than two) It is so beautiful I have absolutely fallen in love with it. I now feel very very lucky.

  4. My thing is arse-hole-aphobia. I don’t want nuthin or nobody anywhere near my arse button.

    Anyone who says they enjoy anal sex? To quote VodkaMom, “They are lying liars from Liarsville.”

  5. How I knew I could never play for the same team. I have no interest in seeing mine up close and personal, let alone someone else.

  6. La La La La Labia says:

    I really don’t understand why so many women make this mistake, and it drives me insane: the vagina is only the hole/tube! The outer part of the female genitals [the part that is visible] is the VULVA. Not the same thing!

    Then again, with a genital-phobe like you, perhaps I should just count my blessings that you didn’t go on a rant about how disgusting/stinky/slimy you think the female genitals are.

  7. great blog…i was turned on, educated and got hungry all in one story….well done

  8. My thing in general is not the sort of thing I would type *even here* at your rather raunchy site. I’m a very happily twisted individual. And no one really wants to hear about that. Or if they do, they’d probably prefer it was more anonymous or something. ANYWAY… just wanted to give you a shoutout of delight and approval. Apparently I’m NOT afraid of your vagina. So to speak.

  9. I’m pretty sure that this doesn’t require justification. It’s awesomeness is justification enough!

  10. Well, you made me look.

    I can’t believe I just spent a half our with this. It’s going to be more because I’m going to have to go follow some of the links.

    I think I’ll leave this out when I’m justifying my existence later today…

  11. I think that you got desensitized.

  12. Umm, I spent ENTIRELY too much time looking at the VulvaLoveLovely Etsy store. By the end, a custom vagina necklace did not seem strange. I’m not sure what this means.

  13. OMG, that is just so, so wrong. And so, so hilarious.

  14. Now this is a bush that must be seen! http://bit.ly/wxyhY

  15. Oh and I also like Ya Ya!

  16. “Sometimes, being a crotch-o-phobe makes me feel slightly guilty, like this must imply that I’m some sort of buzz-kill prude that people don’t want to invite to parties lest I scream and soil myself at the sight of a nearby penis or something. ”
    HILARIOUS!
    And so, so brave- the writing about sex thing. KUDOS and YOU GOs!
    xoxo

  17. What I wouldn’t give, o! Dear Redhead, to spend a weekend with you and your waxing friend, seriously. Work horror stories are a favorite topic of mine. The worse, the better.

    Can I come next time?

  18. Hi, my name is Erika. I have a va-jay-jay.
    (hi, Erika)

    After spending the weekend with a girlfriend who’s an aesthetician and hearing the horror stories about some of the women who come in for waxing appointments…oh my god. I’m walking around with a mirror and washcloth at all times. Ladies – this is your rock and roll hoochie coo. Do you really want to present it to a lover, waxer or babymama doc in less than tip-top condition? Ohhhhhhhh, unkept pubic region, bane of my existence. Keep that shit tamed, ladies. Keep it tamed.

    If for no other reason than to avoid being the subject of a blog.

  19. You’re all insane!! Insanely hilarious. Personally I like “cooch”. Panty hamster makes me think something creepy crawly is roaming around in my panties – ew.

    For all the fans of Mommy Wants Vodka (a.k.a. Aunt Becky) don’t forget to bookmark the site so you can catch her in all her glory every Tuesday. Plus, check out some of the other writers, enough to keep you in stitches daily.

  20. PANTY HAMSTER!!!!!!!!!!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    And pube mom? OMG, too freaking much!

  21. I think we should totally form a support group.

  22. Does anyone else see support group potential here? Muffro Anonymous?

  23. listen, you get rid of all pubic hair because nobody likes it lodged in the back of their throat.

    that’s all the reason you need to go brazillian.

  24. Uhm, you may want to work on that.

    I don’t like the hairless look either, though, on men or women. It’s just wrong, because it makes you look like a small child.

  25. I have a lot to say about this but I don’t wanna seem like a creepy stalker. So I’ll try to keep it short.

    Ummm…I hate the way genitals look. In spite of being bi-sexual and loving women AND men and all that, I just think dicks look gross and vaginas are a close second. Especially mine. I was asked all three times if I wanted to watch my deliveries and I said, and I quote, “Fuck no. Gross. Can I have some pain medicine?” At least I am reliable. If not socially unacceptable.

    Anyway, I have also taken several pictures of my snatch. Cause I used to kinda’ whore around, and really, it’s a lot easier than having sex. And I would agonize over which picture looked the least disgusting and give up and send them all. Men are primitive, they never care. IT’S A PUSSY AND ITS SEXY AND CAN SAVE THE WORLD FROM RADIATION FOR GODS SAKE! That’s the way men act when wanna discuss how they look. It also proves that their vision and brains are inferior to women. When I come across a pic of my VAG I startle like a skittish cat.

    I shave it because I hate hair. If my forehead wasn’t so large I’d probably shave my head. However, I try to avoid seeing my junk. At all costs. Unless there’s a camera in front of it. Maybe my vagina is a camera whore, and the reason I deprive it of sex is to get back at it for making me look at it.

    I have never had a wax because I’m not sure what the hell I’d do while somebody is down there checking for stray hairs. I have enough problems with somebody staring intently at my giant forehead when I get my brows waxed.

    I think people who wax vaginas are strange. How do you look neutral when somebody comes in with one that looks like hamburger meat, or whatever other foods you could compare them to?

    But I’d totally look at YOUR vagina, and wax it, and tell it how pretty it is A.B. Just because I got such a good laugh out of this post.

  26. Hell, we call our dog “Pooter,” because it makes me laugh every single time.

    Oh, yeah, and I love looking at genitals, as long as they’ve been airbrushed.

  27. “Panty Hamster,” “Pube Mom.”

    *snicker, snicker*

    AWESOME.

  28. OH SWEET JESUS! I too am not a big fan of my nether-regions . . . and since having children? Reason #1,347 why the lights are OFF during sex. (Coincidently, also Reason #465 why we aren’t even having sex.) I have done the waxing thing a few times, and while I adore the results and the fact that I don’t have to set aside time to mow the lawn, I can’t get used to the pain (or the fact that I am essentially paying someone to torture me.)

    There is, most definitely, something to be said for keeping the hedges trimmed . . . hubby and I both refer to a woman we see dropping her son off at school everyday as ‘Pube-Mom’ after she let a few of the beasties escape at the pool one day. It has become a perverse form of ‘Slugbug’ . . . whoever can spot her and chastise her inability to groom wins.

  29. zoe kentucky says:

    My favorite from the list?

    panty hamster

  30. And Melissa, I am so, so sorry.

  31. Boobs are wonderful.

  32. I too think said parts are weird looking…but enjoy their function. Boobs on the other hand are awesome!

  33. you mean people actually look at their vaginas in mirrors? i think i might be traumatized. now i’m going to wonder, every time i talk to someone, if they sit with a hand mirror and inspect their labia.
    thanks. a lot.

  34. Well put, my friend, well put. You do need to cut the grass if you want someone to play in your yard.

  35. in college, i had a friend who was a lot older than us. by like 8 years. her dad was a professor in the business department, so after her years as a crackhead (no, really), he got her to go back to school. anyway, she was dating her now-husband (they either met in AA or NA) and she decided to let us all know what they did. she found some kind of hair dye that you could use on your vag and she decided to dye it pink (our sorority color was pink…) and shape it into a heart. she told us this at lunch. it had something to do with calling a vag a “betty.”
    and it appears that you can get it for men too. yay… now they don’t have to miss out on the scary pube-dying fun.
    and as for the spider legs, my boyfriend in college told me that he and his friends from high school made up a magical creature called “the puberty bunny.” it still gives me the willies, but part of the story involved it being covered in “curly, wiry hairs.” he loved telling me that story because i hated it. young love.
    and i don’t really like genitals. well, i’d rather not look at them. if i see them, it doesn’t phase me. but i’d prefer to have people keep them covered up. they’re pretty ugly most of the time.
    one of my friends summed it up nicely: you need to cut/trim the grass if you want someone to play in your yard.

  36. Well, now, see I like what they DO, but I don’t really want to gaze adoringly at their beautiful form. They do sort of resemble earthworms.

  37. I understand not being so fond of the vag, but penises? You don’t like penises? But they just so fun and versatile. Fat ones, skinny ones, tall ones too… Penises are great! I’m gonna go make a penis pendant.

  38. Some day I will do it because I really just need to try it to say that I’ve done it once in my life. And if, for no other reason than to tell The Internet all about it.

  39. OH MY GOD. That is too funny. I need to go get waxed since that’s what “he” prefers. I really could care less but I do feel a little…young with nothing down there. It really doesn’t hurt that much, tbh. I mean yeah it’s not painless, but just breathe and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I would take that any day over childbirth. *shudder*

  40. heh. pooter.

  41. “Pooter” works too.

  42. I prefer cooch, hoo-ha and cooter, just because they all make me giggle. And yes, I am 12 years old ;)

  43. Good point, Joanna. There are no awesome terms for vagina that I can come up with that aren’t either inherently disgusting or make you sound to be about 5. I’ve settled on “Beaver” or “Bajina” but neither really have the zing of “dick.”

    SADFACE.

  44. “Hairnet” hahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha!

    I am shuddering and sincerely sorry for your traumatic cruise experience having to stare at your mother’s big grey bush. I think I will have nightmares for years and years to come. Which means that you, no doubt, already have.

  45. Potty Mouth Mommy, you beat me to it!

    I’m just curious why so many vagina nicknames are food related (Pink taco, anyone?) while many penis nicknames (not including those crafty gems guys have for masturbation!) are just a one syllable word (cock, dick, shlong?) that can be quickly sputtered out. Oh wait, maybe I’m on to something…

  46. okay…so apparently my post with 264 Names for the Hoo Ha didn’t go over very well with the webmaster. So here’s the link…some of them amuse me. Ducky neglected to include one of my favorite names for the old ham wallet…..that being “twidget”. :D

    http://www.duckydoolittle.com/exam004.html

  47. I had no idea that such a necklace ever existed, I could have lived my whole life without seeing that, thank you very much. I guess at least it didn’t have hair on it too. That probably would have put me over the edge.

    My girlfriends and I once upon a time, when we were young, would always ask anyone was wearing a shorty, short skirt, if they had their hairnet on. Still makes me giggle thinking about it. We may have also asked some trampy ho’s the same question after we had had a few too many, many fights ensued.

    Also, nothing is worse then going on a cruise vacation with your hippie momma, with all her pubes hanging out, (I’ll have to remember the “spider legs” for next time.) My sister and I decided that next time a trip to get waxed, or a trip for a skirty swim suit is definately in order. Scary. BIG GRAY BUSH. Coming to get ya, I had nightmares for weeks.

  48. Someone doesn’t share your view Aunt Becky:

    http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=30351881

    you may have to copy and paste the link cause I’m on a stupid Mac and the links never work.

  49. Potty Mouth Mommy, you have a point. A very valid point here.

  50. Kerri – best birthday gift idea ever! Men do seem fascinated with cheeseburgers, uh I mean, girly bits so what could be more giving then to immortalize it ;) Imagine how thrilled he will be to always carry a piece of you with him. You are such a romantic.

  51. There’s a REASON it’s called “bumping UGLIES”!!!!

  52. THIS is why I love the Internet. And Kerri, you are my hero.

  53. I am going to immortalise my vagina in a necklace for The Con-man’s upcoming 30th birthday. And it shall be good…. and disturbing.

  54. Bwahahahaha! I have never heard that one before.

  55. Dude…Now I have to stalk you in two places? I’m not gonna lie…I didn’t read the article…only the title….and I almost pissed myself laughing.

    I always say “Vaginas are scary.” Nasty hatchet wounds.

  56. And Petra, you rule. You are a braver woman than I am, no doubt.

  57. “Roast Beef Curtains” is a favorite term of mine, but I haven’t put it out there in ages, because I, well, I don’t know why. It’s just an awesome term.

  58. I definitely have my delivery ON VIDEO so I can go back and check out how hideously ugly my vagina was while pushing a seven pound kid out of it. I prefer a little bit of hair down there as well, because I agree with the guy that equates a bald vag with babies and little girls. God gave us pubic hair for a reason, why get rid of it all?

  59. I knew I loved you Aunt Becky, when you said “spider legs.” I’ve been calling those little bastards poking out of my undies that for probably two decades. And now daddy long legs remind me of pubes. How’s that for some free association? Oh, and cheeseburger reminded me of “roast beef curtains.” Delicious imagery abounds.

  60. I am SO HAPPY that I have no such picture. But if I did, I would absolutely torture my kid with it.

  61. Dude, my grandma (who was one of the leg-holding bastards chanting, “Push, push” during my childbirthing experience) snapped a photo of Caden as he was emerging from my poon.

    That’s right. It’s nothing but my son’s head poking out from my Good Girl. And you can see that crotch-scaping was not on my list of priorities during my pregnancy. My furry child-spewing camel toe is immortalized in a photograph.

    And I totally put it in a photo album so it can fuck him up when he gets older. On the plus side, I didn’t know his cord was wrapped around his neck until I saw the photo. They never told me.

  62. Nic, that’s sort of how I feel now that I have Mimi.

    It’s ALSO the way I feel about Japanese Mushrooms after having 2 boys.

  63. i once read a dude’s blog who wrote about how he has an entirely new perspective of bald vaginas after raising 2 daughters… he apparently was associating the bald/waxed/brazillianed vag with his baby girls. sad. wish i could remember where i found that post…

  64. Collette, I may try the laser treatment. Does it work well?

  65. Amy, for years (or at least months) one of the number one searches that brought people to my blog was “cheeseburger crotch.” I kid you not. Sorry to ruin cheeseburgers for you.

  66. Jenn, I like teenagers. Even the ones who apparently are using my kids swingset as an illicit love nest. Although, if I find condom wrappers, I’m punching someone.

  67. And cara, an earthworm? Bwahahahahahahahahaha! Spot ON!

  68. You are hilarious. I’m so glad there is a name now for what I am…an equal opportunity genital hater. Must admit though I’m also a hairless kitten via laser treatment. The only thing I hate more than genitals is hair.

  69. AHHH…CHESEBURGER CROTCH???
    That’s a new one for me. Bex…I am totally skiived out by that term!

    In college my boyfriend’s roomate “dated” a girl who dyed her pubes blue. We all joked that he would contract some kind of crab-like virus on his weenis, but seriously…what a dumb bitch, no?

  70. Nic, exactly. The biology of it all is incredible and I get lost in it all if I think about it. BUT, I’d much rather wear an exact replica of my colon on a necklace.

    • Actually, here in Argentina there are handbags and all sort of leather items that resemble anuses. Look for the Nicola Constantino anuses handbag. Creepy.

  71. Isn’t EVERYONE afraid of teenagers?

    I love the idea of naked crotches, not so much the reality.
    Or something.

  72. Oh yeah… I have friens who brag about how “pretty” their so and so’s penis is and I’m sorry but they are one of the ugliest things out there. I mean they most closely resemble an earthworm.

  73. I am totally fow the waxing thing. The less time I have to spend on it the better. Yes it hurts like a bitch but it gets better after a few times – something about the roots being smaller. Plus it make the new hair soft instead of prickly, which earns points with Clint. Sadly, we spend a lot of time in the water so I would have to go in every 2 weeks during the summer – about 9 months here, and that shit is expensive!

  74. i have friends who are of the necklace wearing, embrace the vagina goddess, labia lovers mentality. a couple of them are pretty decent burlesque dancers actually. and they’re all cool and shit. they can quote betty friedan in the same way that i can quote “family guy.” yay for them.
    and yeah, i think the vag, in theory, is a pretty fuckin amazing thing… what it is capable of doing just blows my friggin mind.
    but up close and personal, i’m not really down with scoping out anyone’s situation… male or female. i’m afraid if i did, i would end up being like one of those kids who takes their magnifying glass to the fetal pig they just dissected in 8th grade. and upon viewing the internal organs, they drop said magnifying glass, scream like hell and have haunting nightmares for the rest of their life. (not that i know anyone who ever did that… i’m just sayin).

  75. Be glad that you’re not married to me, Badass. Be very, very glad.

  76. I may never again, for the rest of my long, long life, crave a cheeseburger.

  77. Those necklaces? I do not know where one might wear one. Probably to one of those meetings where a group of woman collectively examines her vagina. I guess there would be no need for a mirror, right?

    *shudder, shudder*

    I guess I know what to NOT put on my Christmas list.

  78. I always feel like I’m dissing my hippie roots by not chanting “OM” while building a shrine to actual pictures of my vagina. Mine may well look like a basket of adorable kittens like Crissy, but I do not know. I probably never will.

  79. No mirror for me during childbirth either. I wanted them to cover the tv on the wall so I couldn’t see anything relfected on the screen.

    I’m with you on the whole not-appreciating-genitals-as-art thing, too. (Where does one wear those necklaces? The gyno’s office to show your support of the craft? Do you give one to your gyno for Christmas?) My problem with Sacha Baron Cohen is all the genitalia on the big screen. Not while I’m eating. No thanks.

  80. I enjoy a long distance love affair with my vagina. I love it and would like best to never never see it. Kind of like a pen pal?

    Luckily, my husband is happiest when my vagina is up close and personal and who am I to deny the boy his love?

  81. A basket of kittens? Wow, that’s impressive!

    Suzy Voices – Not sure I would want to be the inspector, how about “Ban the Brillo” banners hanging everywhere?

  82. I didn’t want the mirror with either of my two kids. God, no! I don’t want to see cheeseburger vagina.

    And there should be an inpection point at the pool, where they check people’s suits to make sure no brillo is hanging out. That is so gross!!!

  83. I don’t know what’s wrong with all these crotches you’re talking about, but mine is cuter than a basket of kittens. Ask anybody.

  84. I’m totally with you. I can’t stand genitals. I think that they are all ugly, and while tons of fun, there is no need for me to LOOK at them when they are not in use.

    Also- boys, when they’re not excited, look especially funny. At least girls are all tucked up and neat. They’re wandering around looking silly all the time! :)