My boyfriend in high school had the sort of house that you could get lost in. In fact, the first time that I went to his house, I actually did get lost in it and had to be rescued by one of his little brothers who happily brought me back like I was some sort of hilarious prize, found wandering about the workout studio in the basement. While I certainly didn’t grow up in a small house, ours could easily have been parked in the foyer of his, like a wee doll’s house, but he was a rare sort of guy who somehow didn’t let the sort of excess that his family had really make him act like he was better than you, which is the kicker of growing up in an affluent town—most everyone had more than you no matter how many zeros your bank account had.
If These Walls Could Talk
As a high schooler, this sprawling monstrosity of a house was a godsend for the gaggle of kids that were always knocking about the house because while his parents were off at the country club or country house, or even upstairs, mischief could be managed without alerting a soul. So could, as the case so very often was, The Sex. I can’t even begin to guess how many people popped their cherries at Sheldon’s house but if those walls could talk, I’d imagine they’d be shrieking and groaning. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not friends with him any more.
Because I am not only stunningly beautiful but wicked smart too, I spent every waking moment I could at Sheldon’s house partially because it was one of those kinds of relationships where you simply couldn’t get enough of each other and really, if you had access to a house like that, wouldn’t you? Of course you would, because that is a rhetorical question and you are obviously a brilliant creature as well and opportunities to play house in a huge marbled mansion almost unsupervised don’t happen very often.
I Get Naked
Dicking around one Sunday afternoon afternoon after failing miserably at a pool lesson—I am not very good at shooting balls into pockets no matter how good the lesson—we decided that the next best course of action was, as most teenagers are likely to do, was to go and screw around in the basement bedroom. This bedroom was so far removed from the rest of the house that I’m not sure that anyone even remembered that it was there any more so off we went. I got naked, he did not. He got down and dirty, ahem, munching, ahem, well, you know, box.
Oh Shit, We’re Busted
So there I was, in a nice and vulnerable position butt naked with my boyfriend between my legs and, quite frankly not very interested in the whole situation and kind of waiting to get my clothes back on and get the hell out of there and do something else, when, just like it was her house or something, in walks my boyfriend’s mother. Always kind of an ass, he just looks up and sneers, “Do you KNOCK?” She demanded that he step outside and informed my naked ass that my best friend Evan had called for me.
The Shame
I’m pretty sure that I sort of died right then and there, naked as a baby bird on this uncomfortable ratty mattress having just been seen in all my glory by my boyfriend’s mother. Sheldon, now bright red and ashamed had left the room while I frantically got dressed and waited for him to come back into the room. He’d picked me up and while this will certainly date me, I didn’t have a cell phone to call anyone else for a ride. I had a pager, but no cell phone. So I sat there and waited, the panic buzzing in my head like a plague of wasps wondering what would happen next. Would Sheldon’s mom come and yell at me? Would Sheldon break up with me? Would I break up with Sheldon? What was I gonna wear to school tomorrow? What was the square root of pi? How badly was I going to beat Evan for calling me at that exact moment?
Just as I was tying my sneakers, Sheldon whirled in, tossing my jacket at me as he yelled, “Come on, we’ve got to get out of here!” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up and off the bed and out the back door and still pulling me along, I nearly slipped in some mud, he slowed for only a second to help me. Soon we were in his SUV and frantically driving down the street, where he handed me the car phone to call Evan so that we could pick him up. When Evan picked up the phone I said, “Hey fucker, I’m gonna MURDER you.”
Confused, he asked why and I gave him the abridged version, “Oh, so after you called, Sheldon’s mother decided to come looking for us. And then? SHE WALKED IN ON US.” Evan, of course, found this to be uproariously funny mainly because it hadn’t happened to him and I told him that we were coming to pick him up.
The Lecture
I looked over at Sheldon after I hung with Evan and noticed that he was chewing on his fingers, visibly upset and shaken. When I asked him what had happened, he explained that his mother had tried to lecture him about what she had seen and so he had lobbed a bottle of aspirin at her head and run downstairs to get me. Why this had struck him as a good idea, I didn’t know, but I’m sure the whole exchange embarrassed him. Who wants to discuss having been caught with their head between their girlfriend’s legs with their mother at age seventeen? Or really, ever.
Moral of this story: Sheldon was grounded for a week for throwing the bottle at his mom’s head and running off with the car and my relationship with his mother never recovered. I guess seeing my seventeen-year-old cootch was probably not something she could get over.
So tell me, what was the most embarrassing story you have in your arsenal of horrifying and shameful sexual stories?
(names and identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent and the wickedly guilty)
Comment Contest! Post your most horrifying story below for a chance to win a fabulous gift basket compliments of Astroglide! We will choose a winner Wednesday October 28th at 5pm EST. Good Luck!
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
oh.my.god. i feel your shame as if I were right there with you. (and imaging how embarrassing *that* would have been!) i’ve had my fair share of embarrassing sexual encounters, which makes you wonder: How much is fair? In fact, I won’t even reveal one in detail here, but let’s just say the one that stands out involves a toot that we both pretended not to notice.
Oh this is so priceless. I was quite lucky that my highschool’s boyfriend’s mom was a drunk. She walked in on us on several occasions. We would pull the blankets up over us to cover anything up.. and she would proceed to sit down on the edge of the book and slur about how nice it was too see me and “I’m so glad your such a good girl,” as she obliviously picked my bra off the floor, folded it, and put it on the bedside table.
Probably my most embarrassing was when I got caught “doing it” on the back patio of a bar after hours. The guy I was dating was a bartender, and he had invited me to hang out while we cleaned. Little did we know, the owner of the bar had decided to have his own little after party. Just as a crowd up about 8 walked into the back of the bar, we must have made some sort of jerky movement. Not only was I caught with my skirt over my head… but I was laying sprawled on the ground because the plastic chair we were in shattered.
Well it’s a few years ago now but…. When I was 19 and at uni I used to quite often spend the night with my then boyfriend, bumping uglies and faking orgasms. One morning I was lying back looking at the ceiling while he did his thing both totally nekkid when of course his mother walks in and starts talking to him about laundry and what he wants picking up from the supermarket later…. He was right on top of me (me with my eyes closed tight because hey, if I can’t see you then you can’t see me right? Right?!) there was no doubt in what she’d interupted yet she stood there chatting for going on ten minutes! I’m not sure when I’ve been quite so mortified, but if I think of anything you can be sure I’ll post it later
Jane Lively – a “toot” you’re a gas girl
carissajaded – You shattered a chair?!? Love it!
Emma – Did you ever go back and see his mom again?
Thankfully my husband and I were already married, but it was “Just Married” at the time of our incident.
We were young and in love and had to ” cristen” our brand new garage appartment but having sex in every corner of the place. It just so happend that it was located across the street and 3 house over from my new hubbies parents. I hated living that close to my inlaws! His mother was so overbearing being that I married her one and only son and the baby of their family.
well one day her car broke down and it was in the shop so she borrowed our car for her errands. We gave her the keys forgetting it had our house key on it. My hubby and I both had a rare day off and being that we were newlyweds at the time spent the day like rabbits, not eating salads all day either.
So my mother in law is done with her errands and decides to be nice and bring us back our keys, upsairs, in our apartment. So thoughtful!
With the layout of the way the apartment you walked inside and then up the stairs to the livingroom. One would think that if they hear noises at the bottom of the staurs it’s probably not a good idea to go up the stairs. Not her! She came up the stairs to find us on the livingroom floor, me on top of her son, being well…dirty.
She watched us for at least a minute until she finally came to and realised she shouldn’t be there. When we noticed her there I tried to run to the other room but my hubby not wanting his mom to see him at attention grabbed me and pulled me on top of him while he screamed for her to get out of there.
Things are still awkward to this day.
Oh God!! I just turned a million shades of red just reading about your ordeal! I think that experience would sill haunt me!!
When I was 16, I dated the hottest, most badass, rocker boy in school. Seriously, he was delicious and I was naive, so it made for the worst decision making ever!
So, one night, he coaxed me into sneaking out of my house, walking to the park down my street, where he would pick me up. Then we would both sneak into the window of his bedroom.
GOD…I am dying just reliving this trauma!!!
So, we start…messing around…and then we hear the dreaded knock on the door. He pushed me in between the wall and the bed where I dangeled…practically midair!!!….until his mom was satisfied no one else was in there with him.
Which was nearly an hour! At one point I thought he had fallen asleep and forgotten about me. It was shear panic!
Seriously, I could not have imagined being in your shoes!!! So much worse!!!
Oh my goodness, what a position to be caught in! Especially as an already easily-embarrassed teenager.
I am very lucky, I had a couple instances when I was almost caught, but never NEARLY as bad as most of these stories. My roommate walked in on my boyfriend and I once, but realized before she saw anything. The trouble was, my bed was lofted and extremely unsteady so we used to put my mattress on the floor for our activities, so it took about 5 minutes of scrambling and lots of calls of “just a minute!” to get clothes on and the room put back together before we could let her in.
I also had an instance where my sister banged on my bedroom door and asked what that bumping sound was. Thank GOD my parents used to let me lock the door, so we just told her it was my ceiling fan and to go away.
The worst was when we were 17 and went to my friend’s grandpa’s house (who was in Florida at the time) to get drunk and were busted by the cops mere moments after “completion”. At least we were under the covers by then, our friends next door weren’t so lucky.
Thankfully I’ve got no horror stories like this. I’m pretty sure I would have spontaneously combusted if I had been caught.
I love re-living this tale – probably because it was my first love and having always been a good girl I needed to be caught doing something bad. Anyway, I was 16, he was 17 and we were down in my boyfriend’s basement bedroom. We had our pants off and my blouse (read: buttons) was undone. Suddenly there was a knock at the door and it was his mom with two girls who had come by to see my boyfriend. (He was a flirt and lots of girls had crushes on him). He lept from the bed like a superhero and put his back against the wall. In lightening speed he had his pants back on and was out of the room. I sat there stunned, having only thought to pull the sheet over my head. “are you decent?” my bf called in to me, laughing. “Shit! They want to come in here?” I thought, mortified. “Can’t they go away?”
“Just a minute!” I called. I was such a novice. First I put on some pants but then realized they weren’t mine they were his. Rather than leaving them on to save time I felt I should change them. So I changed my pants. Then came the buttoning of my shirt. I felt like I was buttoning forever! There was incessant knocking and laughing. Fuck! Finally, I called out “you can come in!” and quickly grabbed the nearest book – a comic – and pretended to be reading it. My face was beet red and my heart was pounding. My boyfriend came in smiling like a conquestor with his lair of women following behind him. They tried to kill me with their glares of jealousy. That was the only thing that enabled me to smile back.
I’m trying figure out if my lack of personally embarrassing stories means I didn’t have enough fun, or that I’m an exhibitionist. It may be that by the time I was spending quality time having sex in other people’s homes, those other people were generally my boyfriends, not their parents. Either way, the closest thing I have does involve some embarrassment for me….
… because it starts with my one night stand. Which, … well… my roommate was NOT expecting my imminent return. Leave it at that. It was a crazy night at the club, and no one had duty the next morning, obviously.
Nonetheless, return imminently I did, to find her (married) bare-assed self about halfway down and face-first into the middle of another (married and previously, I had believed “upstanding” kind of male) coworker. A) They were barracks – you walked in the door and the twin-sized bed was RIGHT in front of you. (why, hello!) B) The door had the kind of lock that wouldn’t have allowed me to come in, even with a key, but … crazy nights at the club naturally involved alcohol and poor choices. CLEARLY. C) Tropical islands don’t encourage the use of blankets. So it was not a SUBTLE image I walked in on… oh no. The details were practically highlighted in flourescent pinks and oranges. Zero confusion. And I *immediately* turned and left, I didn’t hang around demanding any explanations. As evidenced by my having left before dawn, tossing “I’ll call you” over my shoulder as I left my own humiliating scenario, I was way too sober to be dealing with this situation.
I’d ruined the mood, to say the least, and it’s probably just as well… I don’t think either one of them necessarily intended to be where they’d ended up that night. And it was WEEKS before Male Coworker could look me in the eyes – you’d think a sailor would recover more quickly from that kind of episode. Roommate and I laughed a little too hard, a bit to forcibly, and called it even. I was hardly in a position to throw any sort of judgment her way.
In my 20′s I would frequent the nude part of Jone’s beach because I had fabulous tits and it was all gay men anyway so no one gave a shit about me. Anyway, I met my future husband and asked him if he wanted to go with me. He is more straight laced so it took some convincing. We found a secluded spot and got naked. It was so freeing and fun and yes a little naughty. We started kissing but I swear it wasn’t going much further. After a few minutes a shadow appeared and we opened our eyes to see a fully erect stranger standing above us. We were both startled and kind of freaked out. He asked if he could join us or watch and we politely declined both offers. We quickly got dressed and never returned.
So when I was a Junior, in high school, I was looking to bang anything with a pulse, like most boys do at that age. Well I had been throwing my Italian smile around my American Government class for the past semester, and I was getting desperate for this girl Jenny whom I was totally attracted to, because she had a huge set of tits, and an ass that smiled at me every time she crossed my path, but the semester was running out, there were only two months on the game clock, and I needed to get into the game, or at least needed to get some game.
So, a few weeks pass, and I appease myself with the latest Pamela Anderson Playboy and a box of Kleenex after working a ‘hard 2 hour shift’ at my after school job at the family business, and I get a page on my fluorescent yellow Motorola beeper, the number ’867-5309′. YES!!! Jenny-Jenny was turning to me.
I wait an hour, and return Jenny’s beep (What?? Pamela Anderson was pretty hot back then).
“Hey, Jenny, what’s up? Just returning your beep.”
“Ah-Nothin, Just wanted to see if you wanted to ditch school at lunch tomorrow and head off campus? or maybe we can go to the La Mirada party on Friday together; I hear the Vandals and Spit for Brains are playing at Fred’s house”, Jenny says.
“Well Jenny”, I reply. “I really have to study for my Algebra II test on Thursday, but I tell you what, I am house sitting for my Aunt and Uncle this weekend they’ll be gone on Friday morning, and why don’t we hang out there after school for a little bit before the party, and then we’ll head out for the ‘chips, dips, chains, and whips’-party shortly there after……wadda-u-say?”
“Awesome! See you after class” She says- and we have a scheduled rendezvous.
Well Friday rolls around, school let’s out, and Jenny hops in the passenger seat of my classy 1967 VW Bug, and we’re off to house sit, for my uncle and aunt, ya right……………
We arrive at the house, and we cross the front door threshold and BAM!!!!!, Im one her like a lion to a gazelle, and we are at it no-holds-bar; touching, squeezing, kissing like two horny gorillas. Peeling off our clothes, we have no other option but to hit the first semi soft thing in the general vicinity, my aunt’s ottoman with a knitted blanket draped over for our comfort. I come up for air, pull out my trusty .50 cent rubber from the pool-hall bathroom, fumble getting it on my ‘at attention’ soldier, and AT LAST the moment of glory!
Now, I’d fooled around with Jenny before, but never this intensely, a slap on the ass here, a sock in my arm there, but never experienced this feeling before with such passion. So here I am, pounding away at Jenny, and we’re so lost in what we’re doing, we don’t realize that…………we didn’t get caught by my aunt, we got caught by her aunt ‘flow’………..what I mean is, just as we draw to an end, I get up from on top of Jenny and the ottoman, I feel us start to un-peel at the hip. I look down and the sight I see looks noting short of two situations; either, we were too distracted fell on top of my aunt’s Yorkie and massacred the poor pooch with our dirty play, or Jenny just got her period. I mean the scene resembled something like just chopped up and butchered an entire beef loin on my aunt’s cream colored ottoman. Immediately, panic starts to set in. Jenny runs to the bathroom redder than her aftermath, and I take a moment to organize my panic.
Now how does a nephew explain to his aunt, why her ottoman looks like a butcher’s cutting board? Well no time for haste, so I grab the bottle of bleach, Iodized salt, Simple Green, Soft Scrub, and just for luck Holy-water and hope to GOD that a miracle happens. I douse the ottoman with a combination of holy-watered down bleach, salt, and soft scrub, but to no avail. The ottoman starts to resemble something out of a porn set, designed by Andy Warhol. After about 2 hours, and Jenny’s abandonment, I struggle with the thought of how to fix the situation, and then a thought pops into my head. I think my aunt buys furniture from a shop down the street from the office; this furniture comes from that shop (I know, because I was the one whom lugged it from the store to its current location). I high-tail it to the store, and scour the store for the exact ottoman match, to my relief there is one with my name on it! $350.00 later, I ‘shoe-horn’ the new ottoman into my uncle’s Chevrolet Blazer, and B-line for my aunt’s house to make the switch, needless to say everything went down with my witty know-how, and I found that secret rendezvous come with the following price:
Cream colored ottoman $ 350.00
Pool-hall bathroom condom $ 0.50
After School Sexcapade Priceless
I was 15 (yeah, I know…if I could only go back and change that) when my embarrassing moment happened. I had been invited to a family get together by my boyfriend’s mother. She had never really liked me to begin with, but after this day, I never stepped foot in her house again. After an hour or so of hanging out with aunts, uncles, grandparents and so on, my boyfriend decided we should sneak off to his bedroom to mess around.
I never really thought about the placement of the bedroom in the house, but it turns out it was right next to the screened in back porch (one of his windows looked out to it). He had decided he wanted me on top and while I was bouncing around, taking care of business, my hand hit the shades on his window. Thinking I had been too loud, I leaned over for a second (still on top and still mostly naked) and tried to peek through the blinds. I managed to lean forward too much and lost my balance…having nothing to grab onto, I latched onto the blinds and down they came. Everyone on the porch turned to see what the hell was going on and there we were. In the middle of his window like we were putting on a show.
I managed to grab the sheets to try and cover up while his mom demanded we open to window to be yelled at. There really was no way of getting out of it and so I cried my eyes out as everyone continued to look on. To this day, every time I hear the name Helen (his mom’s name) I cringe. No matter who it is…it’s something I’d like to forget.
I married him toy with me, I have to see her Christmas and birthdays. Might not be for much longer though because yesterday the husband found the filthy texts that my younger bit on the side has been sending me… Maybe that should have been my confession for today…. Trying to explain to my husband why I have messages on my phone talking about willys in… Ummmm…. Compromising places. Hmm, maybe I should have bought that vibrator instead… Easier to explain! lol
I think the only time I ever got caught as a teenager was by my older sister, and I’m pretty sure I just threw a pillow at her and yelled for her to get out.
One night, though, not so long ago, my boyfriend had come over to the house and I decided it was the perfect night to try out my new garter and stockings, etc. Of course the doors to the room were locked, as always, even though my boys NEVER wake up in the night. We had just started getting down to business when my youngest came to the door crying because his ear hurt. The boyfriend freaked out, thinking he’s going to scar my child for life, and tried to hide behind the bed as I’m throwing on a robe and trying to get the damn stupid stockings out of the ever-loving clips on the garter. I was able to re-direct my son to the bathroom, where I dispatched some medicine and put him back in bed. Yeah. I guess you could say the mood was ruined. I laughed when I remembered it, though.
P.S. I like that they’re using your “Charlie’s Angels/goofy bride” picture here.
I’ve never been caught.
Never.
This has never made me sad before but NOW I CAN’T WIN FREE LUBE!
Toy With Mes – Looks like my dear friends have had some compromising experiences.
Emma -Something tells me if you were having a little something something on the side a vibrator would not have changed that. Could add to the fun though
Leigh Ann – One word for you – shrinkage. I cannot believe your man umm….remained at attention during this.
amy d – I was a bedroom window kinda girl too, only it was used as my “get away” plan.
Lady of the House – Ohhhh….that’s freaking creepy girl.
The Gent – Now that’s a messy situation. Glad you were able to cover your tracks, so to speak.
Your story is fantastic! I was very mortified with you.
I will share my most embarassing story ever. Mostly because I want that goddamn gift basket. I’m a sucker for the gift baskets.
I was seventeen, a junior in high school and my boyfriend was a senior. We had been dating for a few years and only having sex for about six months. His parents moved from a tiny house into a HUGE house that had a lovely finished basement with Berber carpet and a leather sectional and a big screen TV and surround sound. I think there were several rooms down there, one with a pool table and one that his devil step mom used for sewing. (The bitch hated my guts, she hated everybody.)
I had just finished up at basketball practice and went over to my boyfriend’s house. We went down to the basement to “watch TV” and before too long, I was giving him a blow job. I didn’t like to give blow jobs (still don’t) but being how he was a very persuasive teenage boy, he talked me into it. We were sitting in the middle of the leather sectional and I was leaning over. The leather sectional sat in the middle of the room, about six feet from the door. It was the type of leather sectional that had recliners built into it and had a semi high back on it-important to the story.
We were just getting into it and I heard the basement door open and his devil step mother ask if I could move my car because my back right tire was on the grass. At this point, my boyfriend shoved my head pretty much as far down on his erect junk as it could go, like he could hide me in his crotch. I froze, my eyes watering, gagging silently and thinking I was going to die. If she caught me, she would totally tell the whole town and my mother was the President of the School Board. I heard my boyfriend tell her that he thought I was upstairs and she bought it and left to go find me.
I shot up with tears streaming down my face and BARFED Gatorade all over my boyfriend’s pants and the goddamn leather sofa.
Every time I throw up, for whatever reason-stomach flu, drinking too much-I think of blow jobs.
Welcome to my trauma.
So no one comments on the fact that you named him Sheldon?
The whole time reading that, all I could think about was that scene in When Harry met Sally where he says there’s no way she could have had a good time with Sheldon “give it to me Sheldon”. You did it on purpose, right?
About as embarrassing as I can legally tell anyone was about the time I was with Rich Brian (why is it that it’s the rich ones that get us into trouble?). It was nearing ‘curfew’ so I thought I’d call mom to tell her that I had been at a party and needed to drive drunk Rachel home. (Just for the record Rachel always got drunk but wasn’t at this party, and Rachel lived pretty far away. AND I was NOT drinking!)
Anyway, I call mom and leave a message on the answering machine. It was 11:30pm and she wasn’t sitting by the phone???! As soon as I hang up the phone, I say a few slutty things to Rich Brian and we then proceed to make out while a friend that I had gone to the party with was downing a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill ‘wine’. Everyone was chanting “DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DOWN THAT BOTTLE OF BOONES APRIL!!”
The drunk drinkers proceed to another room after telling us “Becky and Brian you two need to get a room!” Then we of course told them that we were comfortable where we were and kicked the drinkers out of the living room. Then goes the slutty potty mouth talk. An hour later. . .I clean up and grab April and we head back home. I drop her off at her house and make it home around 1am (which was only about an hour late from curfew) and since I called I truly had a free pass.
I walk in the door at home and Mom is sitting on the couch with ‘that look’ on her face and I can tell she is PISSED! First she asked “What was everyone at the party telling April to drink?” I mentioned something about a punch a guy named Boone made with his mom earlier in the day. I don’t think she bought it. Though I don’t think she knew what Boones was………nobody in our family drinks.
Me…….thinking! Oh Shit! How the hell did she know that! Then she said, “And you don’t want to know what I heard coming out of YOUR mouth. Who were you with?”
I told her nobody. I swore up and down that it wasn’t me. Yes, I’m going to hell for that one! But he was a damn good kisser.
The only thing I can think of is that I didn’t hang up the phone all the way (it was a phone that was tethered to the wall. You know a land line corded phone) and she picked up before the answering machine clicked off…..and she listened. Rookie mistake!
I had been working on trying so hard to get together with a very hot friend of my best friend’s ex husband for ever….finally got him to my house, kid over at my mom’s for the night, lots of drinks flowing….things getting particularly hot, when my best friends brother just took it upon himself and walked into my house. I apparently didn’t lock the door, but still, knock much? We were in a pretty compromising position, when he walked in, and rather then just getting embarrassed and getting the hell out of there, he asked if he could join us! Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here….the worst part is, he did this to me twice! Another time, a year later, with someone else. I couldn’t figure out if he really wanted me, or if he was just trying to have an excuse to get freaky with a dude. I started remembering to use the deadbolt after the second incidence, GD stupid locks.
Rebecca – you must have invented a new shade of red that day.
Dude, I lived that. Only it was MY HOUSE and MY MOM. And, I didn’t throw anything at her. I just cried. And my boyfriend (now husband) walked outside and started carrying in the groceries for her like his face hadn’t just been between her precious daughter’s 17 year old legs.
Caught when i was 14 (omg…did I say 14??) in my boyfriend Lou’s basement by his dad. Actually wasn’t that embarrassing as I wanted to bone his dad too….never got to though.
I have yet to have anyone walk in on me having sex. With anyone but myself.
I did once tell my ex-husband that I was busy and would he mind waiting? I’d be done in a jiffy.
Callous? I think not. I’m goal-oriented.
Oh my, Becky — that is a GREAT story! Mainly for those of us who were far removed from the situation. I am embarassed FOR the 17-year-old you. he he he
My boyfriend’s (now husband’s) parents pulled into their driveway once when we were 17 and we had to quickly recover… but let’s just say that what we were doing compared to what YOU were doing is so lame, that THAT is the embarassing part. lol
I have serious doubts about anyone beating Carissa Jaded, but here goes…
My first boyfriend, during my freshman year of high school, was the little brother of one of my sister’s friends. I was A Goodie Two Shoes. He was horny. I went to his house on a school day to “study” geometry. He tried to get me to have sex with him. I compromised and gave my first ever hand job. This was all in his ‘play room’… the only room in the house where he or his two older brothers ever really hung out. And it didn’t have a lock on the door. I really had noooo idea what I was doing and kept telling him that and it took SOOO long and I was finally all, “wtf? Am I doing something wrong? This is taking foreeeeeever.” and he admitted that it was because he had jacked off yesterday. Romantic. During what seemed like a 7 hour hand job, his brother (friend of my sister’s), knocked on the door and began to open it and my boyfriend SCREAMED “NOOOO!!!” He left. Came back up probably 20 or 30 minutes later. (Yes my face was wet with sloppy kisses and red and bothered from stubbly freshman boy beard hair). The brother knocked again, and my boyfriend screamed “Almost done!!” (Wtf? Yes. He did.)
We finished. Or, he finished. I went to the closest bathroom, his mom’s, to look at my new disgusting self and wash my hands. I took off the ring my grandma had just given to me so as not to let it fall down the drain. I accidentally left it on his soap dish.
We walked downstairs to find his brother and his brother’s girlfriend (sister’s GOOD friend) waiting and smiling at us. By the time I got home, my sister knew I had given my first hand job.
THEN. My mom asked me where my ring was. SHIIIIIIIT. I turned red and died inside. Said I didn’t know.
The next day, my boyfriend’s mom called me to tell me she found my ring. I died again.
AHAHAH…I love everyone’s stories!!
Well, one of mine was when I was going at it with my boyfriend. It was a few years ago and we were both horny teenagers, so…what the hell, right?? We were going at it so hard that my bed kept hitting the wall, but I just pushed the mattress away and started going at it again. Well, right as he was about to come, the bed made a horrible noise and the top part of the bed went “WHUMP” beneath us. I screamed and my boyfriend turned bright red and started laughing. Then my mom knocked and was like “What is going on in there??” It turns out, we had been going at it so hard that we had broken my METAL bed frame!! I laugh at it now, but I was MORTIFIED then, especially when I had to tell my mom what had happened, and whyy exactly my bed was completely broken.
HAHAHAHA. Good times.
And then there was the time that I was giving the same boyfriend my first ever blow-job, and my mom knocks on the door and tells me that I have to leave. And I was supposed to be packed already. Half an hour ago. Oops…time flies when you’re having fun! So I jump up, naked, trying to throw clothes on, and mom is two seconds away from pounding the door down, when I realize that the window is open and everyone in the world can probably see my tits. Of course, they are amazing tits, but STILL! Then my boyfriend had to come out behind me, red-faced, because my mom KNEW we were doing The Deed…he can’t really talk to her the same again. (Of course, she thinks this is hilarious).
Oohhh, the drama.
Or the time I walked in on my parents. EGAD. Noone wants to see that. PLEASE STAB MY EYES OUT THX.
Well, you already heard about my horror, but I’ll play. When my now husband/then boyfriend was still living at home with his mother, we had been out drinking, smoking, whatever, and we went to his house to get busy before his mother got home from her date.
Being drunk, stoned and stupid teens, we didn’t scope out the house, as her car wasn’t there. When I saw her glasses on the table, I questioned him about whether she could be home, but being a stupid, horny guy, he just assumed she left them home. Yeah, she was blind as a bat without the glasses, but you know…
So, long story short, we did the nasty on the couch that is literally 20 feet away from her open bedroom door. Loud, drunk sex was had, and then my boyfriend started talking about his mother’s date she was supposed to be on and how he hoped she got laid because she has been such a bitch lately. Of course, I joined in and commented on how the old, cranky gal really needs to get some.
After that, he says, “Well, we better get dressed and get out of here before my mother gets home.” Two seconds later, a voice comes from the dark bedroom 20 feet away, saying angrily, “Your mother already is home.”
We FROZE!! Then, we grabbed our clothes and ran. So, not only did my future MIL hear us having wild sex, she heard us talking about her needing to get some wild sex.
Oh, yes, it was mighty uncomfortable to be around her for years.
You guys are KILLING me here. Seriously, it was worth it to tell my story just to hear yours.
Uh, you win. I have nothing that can even come close.
Mine doesn’t come close to yours but I still died a thousand deaths when it happened. Back in high school, my parents thought I was an angel. I was actually allowed to go visit my out of town boyfriend and stay at his house and, ostensibly, sleep in his sister’s room. Of course, this was really code for stayawakeuntileveryoneelseisasleep,sneekdownstairs,andscrewlikebunnies. He was a good little Catholic boy and I was, well, I was me. His mom caught us together, fucking, downstairs in his bedroom. Why she never told my parents, I will never know.
Oh yeah, I also got caught in the back seat of his (same guy) VW Bug by a cop. Did I mention we fucked like bunnies?
Mister and I tried to spice it up with a little porn one night. We didn’t take our time in the selection of the porn, because choosing porn in an actual video store is an embarrassing story unto itself. But this movie was so low-rent and tacky, we got totally sidetracked by the atrocious porn. At one point a new scene started and Mister said, “Oh, God, look at these two losers,” and I started laughing so hard I could not stop. The sex was officially over. To top it off, the the skanky VCR tape ruined in my player and had to be taken back to the dirty movie rental store with two feet of its sorry black tape hanging out the side.
I can’t bring myself to share my story but I will say that it’s much worse when it’s your own mother. Because then you can’t hide from her forever.
I have been betrayed by beds many times. When my husband wa s a frosh in college, we were banned from having sex in bed after 10 pm because his loft hitting the wall he shared with his RA “broke quiet hours.” I really think the RA was just pissed cuz he never got any and wanted to punish us. The next year, we hadn’t seen each other for a few months and the second night of the semester, i went to his room to see him. We ended up having sex on his loft, but mid-act it broke and we dropped about a foot. Andy screamed “get off, get off!” and jumped off the bed to check his computer, nearly knocking me the 6 feet off the bed. It’s a damn good thing I love him and hes good in bed (when it isn’t falling!) or I probably would have killed him. That’s saved him many times in the 7 months we’ve been married! (And that’s why we need the AstroGlide, heh!) It turned out, while fucking, we’d ripped screws out. of. the. wood. Wowza. And of course, the entire floor (around 25 students) dropped by to check out the damage… and then told their friends…. we never had sex on that bed again… we used the kitchen next door. bwahahaha!
oh, on a semi-related note, my first laptop’s name was Sheldon. That sweet old Gateway saw A LOT of porn… and not all of it good. My roomie and I got porn from a friend and we used to both watched the same one, with headphones in and laugh and laugh at it and then IM each other funny parts. We had a strange living arrangement. But anyway, Sheldon was a good friend.
Roflol.. Ohhh the memories your story brings back. The joys of being in high school sneaking around trying to find places to have sex that you won’t get busted. I never got caught in the act, got interrupted but being able to put clothes on at mach 1 has always been a unique talent. My most embarrassing sex story is how my parents found out that I was having sex.
My parents basement is like most typical basements you go down the stairs and there is a large room. this happened to be my bedroom. Off next to the stairs was the door way to the laundry room. Never a big deal because parents never moved that fast so as soon as the door opened which was left squeaky for a reason and they would flip the light on, I’d always have time for what ever. I came home from school one day and my step mom goes sit down we need to talk. Ohhh shit what did i do, your heart drops to your stomach and you think your getting busted for something like the party you went to, or the whiskey you pinched from the liquor cabinet.
Those of you with weak stomachs I urge you to stop now.
So I sit down on the couch and go ok what. I’m not upset that your having sex, I’m upset at how you disposed of the evidence. At that point I’m three shades of red and going ohh crap where did I leave a condom. Yes I was a good boy in high school. I had a dog who loved to eat kleenexes especialy the dirty ones. Don’t ask me why but it was a constant battle with him getting into my trash eating and shredding kleenexes when ever he was downstairs. Apparently my step mom went down to do laundry and it was hoter than hades outside and upstairs so she decided to lay on my bed relax in the coolness that was the basement. That didn’t creep me out since its not like she got under the covers or was laying lengthwise just across my freshly made bed. Well smokey jumped over the bed and started rooting through my trashcan on the other side of the bed. He was happily munching away on something and my step mom reached over and tried to get it out of his mouth. Was it a kleenex, nope you already probably guess it. It was a used condom. At that point of the story I know I was an extreme shade of red. So word for word “I’m not upset that you are having sex. I’m glad your comfortable enough to do it here safely rather than in the back seat of a car or some other place where you may not have safe sex. But you need to find a better way to dispose of your condoms, because no offense I don’t ever want to have retrieve one from the dog EVER AGAIN!” So I slunk off and had a very hard time looking at my step mom or talking to her for a while after. So was never caught in the act just got caught with evidence of the act.
i don’t have anything remotely close to being as good as some of these.
*gets bag of popcorn, sits down for the show*
OMG – my is nowhere near as bad as yours – I would have died.
We were at a party with his family and we decided to leave early and go back to his place, not expecting his parents for quite a while. As we finished up in the bedroom, we heard some friends outside the window, teasing us. OK – embarrassing, but not too bad – just friends. We decided to get cleaned up and walked down the hall from his bedroom to the shower completely naked. Just as we turned off the shower, we heard his parents’ voices in the living room at the other end of the hall.
I was mortified, and made him go get my clothes for me. I didn’t want to face his parents, knowing that they knew we had been in the shower together. But I had no idea how much worse it got – it turns out that when the friends had showed up, his parents were already there, sitting in the living room on the couch that looks directly down the hallway. The one we walked down to get to the bathroom – NAKED. They had come home, heard us in the bedroom, the saw us walk naked to the bathroom, where we spent a little more time. I never felt the same around his dad again.
These stories are fucking hilarious. I am trying not to let my coworkers know that I am laughing so hard.
I have had similar stories where people have walked in. But, nothing more uncomfortable than having the boy-toy’s college roommate walk in while we were having sex, in his loft (yes, it was *very* romantic), and laying there “pretending” to sleep as he worked on his computer for a HOUR.
But, the most hilarious story that was most embarassing for my boyfriend at the time (now husband) happen while we were in college. One Thursday night, we went to a local hang out to pull an all-nighter. He drank an entire bottomless cup of coffee (consisting of like two full pots). About 1am, we left and went back to my dorm. We laid down on my futon and I fell asleep, but he was wide awake. About a half an hour later, my drunk roommate came home and stumbled in, with a very intoxicated guy. They crawled up on her loft, and proceeded to undress each other. The entire time, my boyfriend was trying to get them to acknowledge he was AWAKE. Coughing, getting up and walking to the bathroom, turning on the tv, nothing distracted the love birds. Finally he gave up. Not wanting to leave my side, he had no other option than close his eyes and try to NOT listen to drunken “Masterpiece Theater: Loft Blowjob and the Caffiene Disaster”.
In the dark room, this is what he heard…
(Dramatization)
She said: ‘Oh! You shave?’
He said: ‘Feel it’
She said: ‘Wow, your big’
He said: ‘Suck it’
She said: ‘slurp, slurp, gag, lick’
Well you get the idea.But, he is haunted to this day-although not disturbed enough to dislike blowjobs. I know. Shocking. But perhaps the gift basket can help him move past this, once and for all??
OH MY STINKING HECK!!!
that was fucking hilarious! i only got caught by my little sis…she walked in on my going down on my high school boyfriend…she was only 13, so got a quick lesson in oral…a tad 2 early! luckily, she didn’t rat me out…but my boyfriend was super embarrassed & never really wanted 2 hang out at my house again…guess he didn’t want 2 see my lil sis & think about the fact that she’d seen his junk….ewww, me either…poor girl! i think i’ll go call her now & apologize once again! ;0)
You crazy sex fiends
I’m getting a brain cramp wondering who will be the winner. Carry on though – I’m loving it.
First, I gotta say there where some absolutely hilarious comments posted. Aunt Becky and I had an extremely difficult time choosing a winner. Thanks so much to everyone for sharing. And now…..
The Winner – Congratulations to – The Gent!!!
That was a bloody good story! So to from Aunt Becky, toywithme, and @AstroglideBrand we will be sending you a goody basket compliments of Astro Glide. Enjoy!
Oh yeah – Gent – please email or DM me with your shipping info.
Thanks
It was my boyfriends sister. I was in the same compromising position on the couch him below. She came partly down the stairs and then went running upstairs screaming MOM!!
I BARELY got my pants on and was buttoning them as his mom was lumbering down the stairs. I believe I was asked to go home.
Oh I have been cracking up reading all these stories. My most embarrassing story isn’t about getting caught, though I did have a room-mate walk in on me in college half naked with a guy. She was so stunned she stood there frozen with her jaw dropped while I hissed at her repeatedly, “GO AWAY!!”
No my most embarrassing story was when I was 19, still a virgin ( I was a late bloomer) though I had fooled around with a few guys my freshman year of college. I was hanging out with a guy in his bedroom and he was going down on me. I was so bored I remember looking up at the ceiling and counting the tiles. I wanted him to stop but wasn’t sure how to go about it so I faked an orgasm thinking that would make him stop. He kept on going!! Probably thinking he was doing a fabulous job. So I sort of sat up and he was surprised but I said I was done. A little later we were driving around and he said, “Can I ask you a question?” Sure, I said. “Back there in my room did you have an orgasm?” Well, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say no but I was way to honest to say yes so I mumbled, “I don’t know.” I still cringe when I think about it and it has been 16 years!
Oh, man, that sucks. (No pun intended.)
My story? My girlfriend moved in with me and my family for the summer (college kids can still live at home… >>). We have no problem getting down to it any time of the day or night, by whatever means we deem fit. So long as we don’t make so much noise that one of the ‘rents comes along and requests a cessation of activities, that is. But that’s another story, entirely.
This particular time I was doing my own laundry, like a good little college girl. We were kickin’ it in the backyard when my mom walks out with our harness in her hand. Yes, I just said “our harness.” This lovely, bright purple (that matches our favorite dildo, I might add) triangle of fabric with three looping straps was dangling from her outstretched hand as she rose a brow at our burst of hysterical fits of awkward laughter.
After promising I would tell Mom what it was “someday, if not today,” I got the go-ahead from my lover (“Just get it over with…”). I went in and closed all the doors and windows so as not to suffer my beloved from over hearing the explanation and reaction.
“Hey Mom, it’s a harness.”
“Okay…?”
“…For a strap-on?”
“. . . Oh… Okay.”
“Dooo~ you know what that is?”
“Yea, of course. I watched ‘The L Word.’”
“…-_-;”
Probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, and that’s quite a feat. At least I’d already told her my beautiful bebe and I were having sex, right? That and they still like each other just as much as before the whole escapade. xP
((I love reading the stories, by the way, and I felt like adding my two cents. Congrats on winning, The Gent! It is a truly amazing story.))
HE THREW A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN AT HER HEAD?!?