There was a time when I knew people who knew people who knew people who invited me for Ladies Night at a local strip club. I’d been friends with a group of metal head guys for most of my teenage years and they often invited me to go with them to the all-female strip club. I have a feeling though, if I’d actually tried to go with them, they’d all have somehow begged off. I think that my presence might have ruined the experience for them a little.
This Place Is A Dump
For what can only be described as morbid curiosity, I was dragged for a night of drunken debauchery at a strip club in one of the seedier parts of town with a couple of my girlfriends. I’d certainly never been there before and was more than a little apprehensive, but being the Good Sport that I am, I tried not to let it show. Somewhere around 8PM we showed up at this dump of a bar, half of the structure sagging dejectedly, and I unhappily trudged inside behind my friends, who were cackling wildly. It was like being transported back into the 80’s in the way I’d never seen it as a child: all pastels and neon signs and chrome and shiny black glass. I saw etched flowers forever suspended in glass as decorations that had probably been there since I was a fetus. It was dark, smokey and looked suspiciously like I’d walked into hell.
I Start To Drink, Heavily
Ladies Night wasn’t to begin for another half an hour, so we headed to the bar to get lubed up. At this point, the alcohol was medicinal and I began swigging it back to calm my nerves. At twenty-two, I’d seen my share of naked men, but never in stripper form. While I never exactly found the naked male form to be an instant panty-drencher, I wasn’t opposed to it, but a dude rocking out with his cock out? Not exactly…hot.
I drank heavily up, but rather than having the normal sedating effect on me, it seemed only to make me hyperaware of my surroundings: the seedy bar, the blackheads as big as geysers on the bartender, my own sweaty palms. Finally, over the PA, which had before been playing some crappy club remixes, a disembodied voice vibrated loudly, “Ladies, if you’ll make your way upstairs, it’s time for LADIES NIGHT!”
A Stampede Of Horny Woman
While I was now drunk and scared nearly to the point of peeing myself, the stampede of horny women showed me that I was absolutely in the minority, which floored me. I’d always assumed that magazines like “Playgirl” were put together as more of a gag gift than anything else, kind of like novelty penis earrings and penis-shaped ice cubes. Funny in theory perhaps, but in practice, no woman is going to pet the kitty to the sight of Ron Jeremy sticking his erect member through a chain link fence. Toss her cookies, perhaps, but not pat the bunny. I’d thought.
Upstairs now, the gaggle of women assembled in a U-shaped room full of small tables with barstools. I nervously lit a cigarette and made small talk, a sure sign that my anxiety level was creeping toward eleven: I was now chattering on about anything to whomever would listen. Save for a couple of movies featuring female strip clubs I had absolutely no idea what to expect. And certain what happened next was not it.
Fake Boners In Banana Hammocks
Suddenly through a side door, two well-built meat-heads burst in, crappy hip-hop music blaring, strobe lights flashing, their chests oiled and silky smooth dancing and gyrating as seductively as two meat-heads could to the music. It wasn’t that it wasn’t attractive, it just wasn’t that hot. There was no centralized dance floor, thanks to the poor design of the whole sad building, so the strippers, who had now ripped off their pants and were sporting comically large (read: probably fake) boners in what can only be described as “banana hammocks” were doing the worst possible thing I could think of: they were now traveling table to table, pulling the women to the floor to be molested.
I Enjoy An Occasional T-Bagging
I’d been under the misguided impression that strippers didn’t touch their clients, and perhaps that’s true for female strippers, I never thought to ask, but for we women? Oh, we get MOLESTED. Let’s just say, had clothes been removed, you’d have been watching a live porno. This, this was most unexpected and I was not nearly trashed enough to want to have some guy pretend to munch my box in front of a group of women before he stuck his balls on my face. Much as I do enjoy an occasional T-bagging, I find it more of a turn on to know the person whose balls rest on my forehead first. I frantically looked around to see if there was any way that I could bow gracefully out of this situation, but no, no exits were nearby. I was going to have to deal with some sweaty balls in my face before the night was through. I steeled myself as best as I could.
He Was Sweating Like A Stuck Pig
And before I knew it, I was led up to star in my own soft-core porn movie. While the guy was sweating like a stuck pig, I was shocked that he smelled rather…fresh, which was good, because immediately, my face made contact with his prosthetic penis as we mimed fellatio in time to the music. As quickly as I began giving pseudo-head, I stopped, and my legs were immediately parted, and he mimed munching my jean-clad box. My humiliation was rounded out by being flipped around like a little bitch and getting dry-humped doggie style while my friends hooted and hollered from the sidelines. Way to show support, guys, I thought, as I slipped away from my molester, feeling more violated than someone who paid money for such an honor should.
Oh well, I chuckled to myself, little did they know that I slipped the guy a twenty to take extra EXTRA good care of my friends.
Payback’s a bitch.
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{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
Great story! Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone – although this story brought back the nightmare of my first time. I’m not gonna say much, but just be thankful you didn’t get cock slapped, in the FACE!
“Pseudo munching your jean-clad box.”
Thanks for being responsible for the protein shake my laptop screen currently sports!
Having lived in Vegas for 3.5 years, the dick sling reviews were all the rage for the tourists. What is it about a perfectly sculpted, UNREAL man knocking around with his gunk-a-junk that just leaves me yearning for…a REAL man?
I don’t need the dance. And I’d rather spend my $20 on some take out from Chiptole and eat it on the couch with the guy sporting the most perfect ass since Michelangelo carved the David.
I just didn’t get turned on by any of it and I wonder if anyone does. I think the strippers get a lot of ass afterward.
I’ve had a similar experience with a male stripper only it was a private party at my friend’s apartment. I paid $40(!) for the horrifying experience of having A TOTALLY NAKED OILY DUDE wipe his nuts all over my new pants. All my friends were going totally bananas over it and I was just like, “EW! WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME GREASE MONKEY? GET! BACK!”
He was hot and everything, but it really did nothing for me. I was just sort of embarrassed and I wanted to go home. I’m still pissed about my $40.
Also, I think the strippers are quite pleased with themselves that they get away with all that shit AND get paid!
I have no doubt that these strippers are VERY pleased with what they get away with. If I could get paid to smack my dick against the face of a bunch of horny women, I’d be happy.
Although, let’s be clear, I’d be happy if I could write my name in pee in snow.
*sighs*
Now see? Having worked in a 95% male environment for 24 years, I went to LOTS of female strip clubs. Greatest part is, you drink free. So I could get royally roasted and they could do their male thing. Now, I seriousy was doing the official office chair pee-pee dance reading this. I could NOT stop laughing and re-reading. You are f**king hysterical!!
The women in strip clubs are SO much wilder than the men but probably because they can get away with it. Banana hammock always reminds me of Phoebe.
So, for my 18th birthday we happened to discover that male strippers were coming to town!!!!! on my birthday!!!!! anyway..long story short, i accidentally gave one of them a bloody nose and “nut -checked” another. memorable night, even if the guys were kinda yucky.
I really want to know if they were wearing fake weenies. I don’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure they were rockin’ the clay balls.
I went to Big Daddy’s in New Orleans once and watched the most phenomenal stripper. Female stripper, that is. She was a fucking artist (that’s right I said artist) and so gorgeous. I ran into her later in the ladies room and she told me she liked my outfit and I swear I blushed and stammered. wowza. On another occasion, a friend dragged me to a gay strip club in Houston. There was no show at the time, just a guy in a banana hammock and hiking boots dancing on a little raised platform while we had our drinks. It was so distracting, and I could not stop laughing.
u’re so not alone! i’ve been 2 a female strip joint several times & actually kinda enjoyed myself…but a male strip club? gross! the 1 & only time i’ve been was disturbing! seriously – shaking ur dick in my face is so not a turn on! & if i wanted 2 b touched, i woulda asked u 2 touch me…keep ur nasty hands off!
I am completely mortified for you! This would be my worst nightmare!!!
Do women ACTUALLY get off to cheese like that??? I just can’t belive it!
Also?? “no woman is going to pet the kitty to the sight of Ron Jeremy sticking his erect member through a chain link fence…”
That is sheer literary geinus Bex!!! Love it!
I am absolutely going to go to a female strip joint some day. I don’t really want to go with The Daver, but I do want to go. I bet it will be loads hotter. Who likes balls in their face, anyway?
I used to live upstairs from a strip club.
When I was 23.
And single.
Oh God, thank you for writing this Aunt Becky.
I did this in Australia while I was in college. And I thought it would be the whole no touching thing like it is with women. If I had known that they would get fully naked and oily and molest and pseudo rape the audience, I think I would have stayed home and watched “Billy Madison” one more time.
I don’t know if it was the bottle of champagne I drank or the trauma of having my hand forced upon some meathead’s dick, but I passed out. I am pretty sure what happened to me is called “felony assault” in the States, but in Austraila its called “wicked fun”. God – are there women out there that like that stuff?
Aunt Becky I’ll definitely go with you. I have been to both male and female clubs and the girls rock it! Naked men have no idea how to really turn a woman on.
I’ve had several friends tell me that Chippendale’s shows are the best time EVER. I’ve heard they are more tame than male strip clubs, but still. I’d rather die. Something about horny middle aged women getting all hot and bothered by mullets, oily bods and bow ties makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Hmmm. Seems like I’m always the voice of dissension around here… but since it’s only happened twice, I guess not.
Or maybe I was just at a dare I say “classier” strip joint? I don’t usually accuse Jacksonville, FL, of anything classy.. but who knows. The location was designed for it, it was modern, it was the standard sucky music, of course. But the guys kept their banana hammocks ON, and as far as I could tell, you only got touched if you *enthusiastically* volunteered by throwing yourself at the dancers. Who, while reasonably attractive, were primarily a comedy act, from my perspective. No one was subjected to any fake fellatio, box-munching, or dry humping… except perhaps the stair rail on the stage. The real draw was the cheap alcohol and all the men (regular, real men) who showed up immediately after the show to take advantage of all the horny women.
It was a riot. If I’d gone through what many of you apparently have, violence would have ensued. Ball-check, indeed!
And as a joke – I took my mother when she came to visit. I was, shall I say, taken aback by her enthusiasm. Never went back. I would totally go to a female strip club, though, but like you, Bex, not so much with my hubby. Some girlfriends, perhaps.
I’d go with you, Sarah, or hell, any of you! Damn you, geography! *shakes fist at map*
I could feel the pound of the house music, and my cheeks burned for your humiliation.
I love your writing. I would have enjoyed you describing the strippers in more detail. For example, I found myself at a bachelorette party that included a stripper (who didn’t even have sculpted abs) who had white crescents under each butt cheek from lying in a tanning bed. Even though he grossed me out on so many levels couldn’t take my eyes off of them and I wanted to tell him he needed to pay attention to cheek position in the cancer oven next time.
p.s. I’m new to your blog and have seen you make reference to lurkers. How do I become a non-lurker?
Elaine on Seinfeld summed the differences between good naked and bad naked when she declared that the male form was utilitarian, like a Jeep. And who wants a jeep rolling up on their face?
At least you didn’t have to pay extra to be molested.
Aunt Becky, Im crying. Still. Crying. I read this 20 minutes ago. And im still. crying.
The strippers, if I remember correctly, were old. And they had acne, which implied steroid use. Which, *shudder, shudder*
Ew.
Never been to the male version, but have been to female strip clubs a few times. If ou are going to do it just make sure you pick a good one ’cause they can be just a sleazy as the male one you were at. And a lot of them have a male escort policy for women (aparently we don’t tip the talent like the men do). And going with my hubs wasn’t so bad.
Wow, interesting stats here ladies. It appears most of you would rather go to see females strip instead of men. Curious – why women over men?
Oh goodness. For my 21st birthday, or near it, my mom, my aunt (her sister) and her daughter-in-law, all went to the strip club. It was entertaining, but was nowhere near ‘hot’. I laughed until I cried because they were not ‘hot’. They were cute men, with good bodies, but gyrating men in banana pants…..eewww.
As for Playboy, I was somewhere near 23 and found a copy of the aforementioned magazine and bought one, mostly because I was on vacation and the magazine was being sold by a magazine street vendor…..both of which I’d never before seen.
Good times….those 20’s
This is hilarious. Luckily, I’ve never been to a male or female strip club. I would probably turn bright red. As much as I seem like a man’s man–no way could I deal. Cocks aren’t pretty. No siree.
Rather than focus on the deficiencies on the “supply-side”, I’d like to turn the lense, if I may.
My contention is that you’re having a crappy time because women are cheap! That’s right! I said it. You want good ass? You;re gonna have to pay, just like everybody else!
Could it be that the quality of your meat-gazing experience would be dramatically improved if there were equitable fiscal incentive for Captain Speedo?
Simply put: In this age of equality, if you want a proper porn experience, you might have to spend like the boys do. A well funded-establishment with quality entertainers is only possible if there’s remuneration. You don’t think these guys do it for the love of banana hammocks do you?
Put your money where your mouth wants to be, and you and the situation might change. Unless you just want to laugh at the funny knuckle-draggers, in which case you’ll get what you (collectively) pay for.
Word.
I love a good strip club. I don’t really care who’s performing. I’m slutty and really common that way, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand is a blackhead. Especially a blackhead on the gross sweaty face of someone charged with fixing me a libation. Disgusting.
I would have TOTALLY paid for a better experience, but truthfully, I looked into going to a male strip club for another occasion and in my area? They are not exactly plentiful.
So, my friend, you are absolutely right: I got EXACTLY what I paid for.
I’m available…For a price!
Next time I am in the market for a stripper, you will be the first on my list. Your ass better be able to cut glass.
I poop diamonds baby!!
The Chippendale’s shows are the only kind I have been too and they are awesome. I definitely wouldn’t enjoy the kind you described.
I’m thinking that a field trip to see lady dancers is now in order. I know of a classy place really close to my house. Who is in?
LOL! Gives a whole new meaning to “cock of the walk.” I’m with Kristin. I’ve been to Chippendale’s and that’s a class act.
No no no! Aunt Becky, don’t you see that’s just perpetuating the problem! It’s like voting Republican because you’re convinced the Independent can’t win.
Vote with your dollars by literally stuffing the ballot box! Why do you think there are so many exhilerating options when it comes to men watching women degrade themselves?? That’s riiiiight…SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Of course, you’ll have to organize. Clearly, there are hordes of women ready to denounce the deplorable offerings available to them. Unite, I say! Harken back to the proud days of the Sufragettes, or the time you burned that couch in college because they tried to take away beer at the home games!
Remember – Change begins with you!
Because we were precocious, my friends and I were reading one girls’ mother’s erotica and checking out her Playgirl when we were 13. I was not impressed then, and I remain so now. Sure, a nice looking guy is pleasant to look at but the variety in form is just not there. Kinda boring…
And, 17 years later, I got to see my first stripper at my friend’s bachelorette party. Again, not impressed, although it was a good preview of marriage. The guy stripped down, put a towel around his goods, and then ran around the room opening the towel and shouting ‘Woo’ as he flashed all the girls. At that point, I removed myself to the kitchen to hang out with my friend’s mom, because I was too embarassed for the guy to watch him any more. And, yes, he was oily. Fortunately he only fake raped the bride to be…
However, if you want to come visit me, I believe I have a connection at the local strip club who would probably be able to get you in for free. Or we could go see the drag queen show, which has got to be much more entertaining. And they say middle America has no culture…
I’ve been to both (male & female). A former friend owned a bar and plied me with tickets whenever her “boy toys” were in town, and as much as I hated going, I did (mainly to repay her for all the free Chinese food she gave me.) The men waiting like foaming Pavlov’s dogs to be let in after the show was as bad as the hormonally-supercharged women who would hump a semi-attractive doorknob by that point.
The female shows were so much more fun. I tipped as well as the guys, hands-free tipping if I’d had enough vodka… once my date saw that, he usually realized I wasn’t there to make a list of things to snipe about later on (“I saw you looking at her BOOBS!” Um.. yeah.. that’s the point…) and he relaxed and we both enjoyed it. Watching the guys who are watching the dancers is humor fodder all by itself.
Oh.. no nads on my noggin please. Ew.
heh… pat the bunny… hee hee!
banana hammock *snort*
those two things along have made my day!
Oh my god. Thank god for this post because now I will NEVER have to endure this. I am so with you on the Ron Jeremy thing. EW.
Oh man. I feel ya.
I’ve been to one and one was enough. I wasn’t the only one in the group who hated it, there was another woman but she took her hatred dramatics a wee bit too far and got accused of being a party-pooper and all that. She actually scurried OVER the table to get away from the stripper, lol.
I merely kept a lit cigarette at all times. ALL TIMES. I went through a pack that evening. My lungs paid for it the next day. Finally towards the end one of the girls in my group took away my cigarette, gave me a dollar bill and sent the stripper to me. Luckily he didn’t want much to do with the fat girl and could tell I wasn’t enamored by him either. It was a token giggly make-it-stop-please shoving of the bill into his bikini briefs and trying not to barf as he wiggled in front of me for a minute.
These guys did the same things, but not quite so much to unwillling targets. I laughed at the ridiculousness of the antics but in no way did I think it was hot or sexy. Just gross.
I’ve seen Chippendales and I didn’t like that either, they just look ridiculous.
I’m equal-opportunity bi, but I never want to see another male stripper in my life. Female, yeah. Men, noooooo.
When I was about 25 i went to a bar downtown for a bacherlorette party. It was all good fun until the stripper got there. I do not find some lubed up meathead probably swimming with STD’s hot, but since he was only molesting the bride to be I intently studies the wall. Then he started going after all the girls there for the party. I slipped to the back of the group, but he kept coming and finally when I was stuck between the wall and the bar, I stepped behind the bar and gave the oily bo hunk a look to let him know if he touched me I would kick him somewhere not nice. He left me alone.
It sounds like Fascinated has his work cut out for him.
Note to you, sir: do NOT, under any circumstances, stir anyone’s drink with your man meat, okay?
No problem. Just keep those drinks at least 18 inches away we’ll be fine.
I suggest when you begin the revolution that you radically change the format.
Since it’s more than obvious that there’s a difference in the way each gender’s trigger gets tripped, why not custom-tailor affairs to suit the ladies?
The male talent should be armed with a script which includes catch phrases like “No baby, hand over the toothbrush, I’ll clean the grout”, or “I can see myself growing old with you”. The denouement should include whoppers like “I’ve set aside a trust to send our children to Choate”.
All set to Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries”, of course.
Fascinated,
Made me laugh. Spot on.
Years ago, I went to a bridal shower where the rent-a-cock guy passed around foam rings (think: big Cherrios) and then sat in the middle of the living room butt-ass naked on the carpet and manically jerked off to get wood (result: semi-limp) and wanted to have the women play a game of ring toss. Everyone was mortified. That was a BRIDAL SHOWER, not bachelorette party. The bride’s grandmother almost passed out.
{no connection for a reasonable segue}
About 10 years later, I worked at a topless bar–as a dancer. On the weekends, there were often groups of women and mixed groups of guys and girls who came in after they left the nightclubs. Many of the women were curious and asked questions about the job, what moves turned on the guys, and many confessed to wishing they had the confidence to try it. Others were surprised the atmosphere “wasn’t as bad” as they thought it would be. But I worked in an affluent area, clean, no-touch club that was often called Disneyland with Tits. So, for those of you who do decide to go to a female strip club, your mileage may vary. =)
I’ve been to see the fellas a couple times when friends got married, and I can’t say it did anything for me. Guys really don’t know how to work it, unless they’re gay.
When we go to visit our friends in P-Town, there’s tons of hot guys who actually can turn you on. Only trouble is that they’re more interested in turning the guy sitting next to you on.
The ladies, on the other hand, are HOT as long as you go to an upscale club. Let’s just say that a few Montreal strippers I’ve seen had me thinking I should switch teams and learn to speak French!!
Ahhhh … Montreal as sexy and hot as the come.
If only we could get the gay guys to teach the straight guys on how to be hot – well – life would be a whole lot better.
I have no doubt that the ladies know how to be more seductive than the men. None.
Of course the ladies are more seductive! They’re paid a whole lot better and their audience appreciates them. Give me a grand a night plus and a gaggle of googly-eyed single women and there won’t be a dry seat in the damn house!
Sheesh!! It’s like hearding cats around here!
I’m sorry. I should have been more specific. When I said that they have an audience who appreciates them, I meant that they have an audience who appreciates coughing up their paycheck and then some to have the genitalia of the opposite sex in their face.
Until women exhibit this type of commitment, there can be no equality!
Fascinated, will you be my best friend?
Done!
i have been dragged to male strip clubs twice and it sucked both times. it was so greasy and cheesy, i couldn’t *wait* to get the fuck out of dodge.
my friends were mostly guys when i was a young lass, so i have seen the insides of many a peeler bar. i would WAY rather spend an evening watching chicks take their clothes off and work a pole than an evening with sweaty, over-muscled “hunks” shoving their dicks in my face.
Toy With Me – The best answer I can give about why women would rather look at naked women than naked men is this: naked women are soft, rounded gently (regardless of size, it’s a gentle curve), and the light hits them just so. Naked men are weird and lumpy with strange protruberances.
I mean really, it’s no contest.
Oh please, female strippers are allowed to touch the male clients. So long as #1. The client doesn't touch back. #2. No bare genitalia of the lady touches the client. #3. Her bare breasts may not touch his face. (Well at the clubs I went to for some bachelor parties years ago…)
I did get some rather erotic dances and a couple of expert shoulder massages. All in all it sounds like a male strip club is quite raunchy by comparison. I mean if there was a lady pressing her sweaty labia all over my face uninvited, I would probably be upset too… I mean, I haven't a clue where she's been.