I have a confession to make to the Toy With Mes.
My husband and I are obsessed with chin strap dildos, aka The Lickety Split, The Accommodator, The Humiliator, Mr. Dickface, etc.
It all started after I attended an Athena party. My husband, Ken, and I were looking through the catalog and we came across a picture of one and oh my god, you guys!
We laughed so hard because they’re just too ridiculous!
And even the woman modeling it looked mortified, and her hair just didn’t look right with it on, and I could tell she was sad she took this particular modeling gig because even she couldn’t pull it off.
And I dare say, it’s virtually impossible to look cool wearing one so for us at least, it’s a no-go for the boudoir. I can see how it would do the trick and everything, but I’m not mature enough to handle it and I’d just be laughing too hard if my husband came at me with one on.
That said, we bought it anyway and thus began a campaign to find alternative uses for it. My husband is quite the photographer, and he was thinking his newest project would be to make a coffee table book wherein he would collect the pictures he takes of people’s reactions to him while wearing the chin strap dildo out in public.
Ken is pretty awesome, obviously.
But when we stopped laughing and imagining ourselves spending the millions of monies he’d make on his book, we started to worry about the legality of such behavior. Can one be arrested while pursuing such ordinary, every day activities as going into the bank, picking up a pizza, or simply driving to work while sporting one? What about sidling up to an innocent stranger at the grocery store and maybe starting a conversation about the quality of the produce or how expensive milk is? It’s weird, no question, but perhaps more importantly: is it legal?
We decided that before embarking on his book project (the working title being A Day in the Life of Richard Chin), we should probably consult Roland (a lawyer as well as friend and neighbor), at our weekly dinner with him and his lovely wife, Bethany.
And he looked it up and guess what Toy With Mes? We’re in luck! It is not illegal in Rhode Island to wear a phallus out in public, chin strap or otherwise, and thank Jeebus because I’ve already run down my street wearing a strap on and I’d hate to think I could have been arrested.
That would be embarrassing.
And that was months ago when we consulted Roland about it and for some reason, now it comes up every. single. week. because we all seem to be fascinated with this topic. Here, let me describe last week’s conversation for you because you’re cool and you asked so nicely and you’re having such a good hair day today (is that a new headband? It’s fancy):
Bethany: I just don’t understand how you’d use the thing. Can somebody explain this to me because it seems like you’d have to do a lot of maneuvering for it to work?
Roland: Oh for God sakes Bethany! You put it on and you put it in the girl’s ass while you lick her pussy OR you can put it in her pussy and lick her clit! It seems pretty self-explanatory to me. I don’t know how this can be so confusing to you.
Bethany: Oh. Okay but…why would I want that?
Ken: Why wouldn’t you want that? Do you want me to go get it and I’ll show you?
Horatio (Roland and Bethany’s 18-year-old son): What if you put it on a helmet? It could work that way, too.
Bethany: That would actually make more sense to me in terms of thrusting…isn’t there a lot of neck strain the other way?
Roland: I don’t think there’s supposed to be any thrusting involved. It’s supposed to just sit in there. I mean, if you can get the girl to stop laughing at you.
Ken: Fuck it. Maybe I’ll just go get it and run down the street with it on right now!
Roland: Go ahead!
Me: Yeah. Stop talking about it and just do it already. Quit being such a pussy.
Roland: It’s perfectly legal, but remember: don’t fuck anyone with it as you run by and you’re safe. The police can’t do anything to you, at least under the indecent exposure statute.
Horatio: I’ll get my video camera!
(Takes another bite of his salad. Does not move from his chair.)
Bethany: I still don’t get how the thrusting motion is going to work while licking…
And the conversation just deteriorated from there and I’d tell you more about it but I think you’d be scared of us, if you’re not already, and Ken did not go and get it and run down the street with it on because he’s a pussy. Or, he’s waiting for the right time to make his debut which may or may not be this Halloween in the form of a unicorn horn for his costume. We just can’t let the kids see it, although I’m thinking there would be some pretty brilliant reactions from the parents of all the little trick or treaters when my giant husband answers the door with a dildo on his head.
Speaking of children, as I write this, my mother is outside playing with my kids while my husband is standing over me with the dildo on, saying “come on! You need to immerse yourself! BE THE DILDO, CRISSY! Know it. (and while shaking his head so it wiggles back and forth) Feeeellll it!”
We’re pretty mature around here, obviously.