My Mothers Magnificent Mams

Breast cancer can be beatenSeveral years ago now, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. What had seemed infinitesimal to the touch, and maybe the size of a grape in the sonogram, turned out to be the size of a large marble when it came out. The news came back as the big “M”: malignant. Being Jews, we typically follow the old adage, “if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry,” so we spent months hugging, consoling, but also laughing and focusing on the wonders of boobs.

My mother’s lumpectomy had gone well, and they kept her overnight. In the morning, they said that she was recovering nicely, and that we could take her home, provided we adhered to certain rules. If we had any questions, we could refer to a flier that Memorial Sloan Kettering kept on hand. We packed my little 4’11 Jewish mother up, tucked her comfortably into the car, and drove carefully from Manhattan back to Brooklyn. When we got home, she asked about the flier.

“So? What does it say?” She asked. I read off all the same instructions they’d given us at the hospital. If we had any questions, we were welcome to call… The Breast Fellow.

“WHAT?!” I yelled in mock anger, “there’s some dude out there feeling up boobs for a LIVING?! Do OTHER men know about this?!…. do you think he gets Dental insurance with that job?” My mom started laughing.

“It’s a very respectable job, Hannah!” She giggled.

Vinnie The Tit Guy

“Don’t lie! Every time you tell a lie, Jesus kicks a kitten! (yeah, I really do say that.) I bet it’s some guy who works there, he’s probably a janitor or something, and totally has the doctors convinced that he knows what he’s doing! I bet his name is Vinnie! VINNIE THE TIT GUY!!” My mom was laughing so hard at this point that she started hiccuping. “Mom! Mom, you can’t be serious about this! You wanna call Vinnie the Tit Guy?! I’m pretty sure he’ll just roll up to the house, give a couple of good squeezes, and call it a day. OH! How hard is life for poor Vinnie?! I myself am a penis enthusiast! Do I get a job?! I wanna be the Dick Dame!”

She Had Beautiful Breasts

Maybe this next part is going to sound odd, but go with me. My mother had generally been comfortable being nude around me. Let’s face it: a single mom, a daughter… after a while I think she just felt like, “meh, whatever,” and took her top off whenever she felt like it (though thankfully, never around my friends). My mother had beautiful breasts. She’s a soft, voluptuous, beautiful woman. In fact, when I was little, I used to look at the children of skinny women in my neighborhood and feel sorry for them; their moms were all bony, but mine was soft, and lovable, and huggable. Looking back, I’m sure she wished she had been skinny too, but as a kid at the time, her softness just meant warmth and love to me. Her breasts matched that, and she was soft and round, and perfectly proportioned to her body.

Before the surgery.

After the surgery, one breast was soft and remained the same, while the other one had harsh scars near the nipple, which now pointed down because of the location of the tumor and where the doctors had to cut. To try and make her laugh about it, I used to call her “Tit-acular!” but the more time passed, the more she felt ashamed of her breast. She would cover up more and more, and told me that she felt “deformed” and “ugly.”

A Reminder Of What She’s Overcome

I tried explaining to her that the most beautiful thing about those scars was that they were the sign that she had gone through the surgery safely, but in retrospect, I understand where she’s coming from. We all want stunning, perfect, soft, alluring, magnificent mammaries. We get breast implants, we get push-up bras, and even little shoulder-pad looking thingies to shove into the bottom of a regular bra, to push all your business way the fuck in everyone’s face. They have to be round, but not too round, soft but firm, large but not obscene… and the list goes on. I, personally, have a full size B cup, but it changes depending on the time of the month. My breasts are also warm and soft, and sometimes it feels so nice lightly touching the skin just south of my decollete, that I’ll find myself doing it in the office, and have to stop. Still, despite the size, proportion, or anything else about my own breasts, I still think my mother has one set of magnificent mams: one is a history of what she was born with, and one is a reminder of what she’s overcome.

The Male Mentality

As women, we get so caught up trying to figure out what will physically attract a mate, that we sometimes forget that what others see can be much, much more than what we see ourselves. I once asked my husband if he would still be attracted to me if I had those same scars. I wanted his answer to be “I married you for you, not your boobs!” Of course, what I got was more, “Hannah, I am just so happy to get to see boobs on a regular basis, that if one looks a little different, I’ll just pretend I get to do it with TWO chicks!”

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s the male mentality. From where I stand though, your mams are glam!! And remember, if ever you feel that your breasts don’t match up to Hollywood standards, Vinnie the Tit Guy is somewhere around, ready and waiting to show his appreciation! No matter the size or shape, be proud of your girls… just try not to touch them in the middle of client meetings. I swear!: it was an accident!!

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. Speaking as someone who has seen your boobs… and whatever you flashed in Vegas while CHANGING IN FRONT OF THAT WINDOW: you’re beautiful, every part of you. And your boobs are going to stay perky long after mine start slapping my belly button.

  2. Tamtamface says:

    This was just beautiful… I used to have a hard time with my scars (not from cancer but from removal of tissue nonetheless) and i’ve learned to embrace and love my scars. Your mom, however, is a true warrior… and it’s true. boobs are replaceable!!!! mine are mainly my bra anyway 😉

  3. Beautiful post! I’m so glad your mom is still here with you, healthy and unscathed save the battle scars she so rightfully earned! Also, I love your husband. That is all.

  4. I’m so glad your mom beat this. Boobs are replaceable (there are all sorts of things now, she can change cup sizes going from a demure C to va va va voom for Saturday night), your mom is not. <3

  5. MoM (but not the real One) says:

    Hannah…This post is absolutely wonderful. I am sitting here crying @ 3 AM and I have to agree with the others that your Mother must be so proud of you. Again and again I think how lucky she is to have you…and you to have her. Your mother’s scars aren’t ugly …they are the sign of a survivor. A beautiful tribute to a wonderful mother. You never cease to amaze me! Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

  6. Loved this post! So cute, made me laugh, and it was so touching. Beautiful words, thank you for sharing!

  7. I think I want to be Vinnie the Tit Guy. Beautiful post.

  8. Men are soooo obsessed with boobs it’s unbelievable. I had breast surgery about a couple of years ago and was very, very lucky to be left with a tiny scar around my nipple. Since I’m dark skinned, it’s almost impossible to see and sometimes I myself forget which breast had been operated on. My boyfriend’s always telling me I have beautiful breasts, but I wonder what his reaction would have been if I’d had a visible scar.

    I’d be proud if my daughter wrote this about me too. Your Mom’s just been trough a traumatic experience, and I’m sure it feels good to know she has all your support.

  9. Tell him the Dick Dame says, “hi!”

  10. OMG! I think Vinnie the Tit Guy works behind the deli counter at my grocery store!

  11. I would be very proud too!

  12. I think you did a fabulous job on this article. If my daughter wrote this about me, I would be very proud of her :)

  13. Thanks Petra! I know my step-father didn’t care about the scars, but it still bothered her. On a side note, I told her that I write for ToyWithMe, because I wanted her to see this article. I can’t tell if she was impressed, disturbed, or liked that I talked about her boobs; it’s an interesting relationship we share.
    The Dick Dame
    (Hey! I don’t suppose I could change my name from KJ to DD, can I?!)

  14. I think Vinny The Tit guy is a win – win situation. When he’s done with your mom you can send him my way 😉

  15. Awesome post girl. My mother also had a tumor removed from her breast when I was about 9 and I remember looking at her scar years later wondering if it bothered her. Luckily, my dad is one of those guys who LIVES for his wife, and I don’t think he ever batted any eyelash, he was just happy she was healthy after the whole ordeal.

    And Dick Dame? Fucking awesome.