There are very few things as emotionally treacherous as dating. I run a weekly advice column which is laughable enough (what, me give advice?) but what’s even more shocking is the amount of people who ask me for dating advice. Luckily, I have a cadre of people I can irritate into helping me give better advice than I ever could alone.
Because frankly, I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to matters of the heart (okay, really, I’m just kind of an idiot). Especially when it comes to the words that just seem to fall out of my whore mouth when it opens up. Let’s just say that there’s a reason I tried to nickname myself “Smoove B” instead of “Aunt Becky.” Maybe it’s not to late.
Anyway, here’s the things you should never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, even when you’re being kidnapped at knifepoint by a couple of foreign nationals to an exotic House of Cheese, say to your significant other. PROBABLY. As always, proceed with caution. Individual results may vary. Driver does not carry cash. Call your doctor for erections lasting for longer than four hours.
“Wow, your penis/vagina looks so weird. Is that normal?”
Even if it’s true, no one wants to hear that their junk looks like it fell into a blender. Most people are awkward enough about what their sex organs look like (I’m not saying that’s RIGHT, Toy-With-Me-ers. Mine happens to be BEAUTIFUL) and don’t need to hear that you’d rather turn off the lights than see them with their pants down ever again. Besides, as someone who has seen their penis (or vagina) up close and personal, it’s likely you’re seeing it from an entirely different angle than they are, so way to give them a complex that will require years of painful therapy to undo.
“Your mother is such a bitch.”
I have a secret to tell you that’s not REALLY a secret: most women don’t get along with their mother-in-laws. Most men don’t particularly care for their in-laws, either. If you’re wearing an I Heart My Mother-In-Law shirt than you’re probably in the minority and should consider yourself fortunate. Easy as it may be to bust out a “man, I hate your mother,” even if she’s bad-mouthing her, too, avoid it at all costs. Why? Family is still, well, family and most people feel some sense of loyalty to them, even if they’re not overly fond of them. Proceed with the UTMOST caution.
“I can’t live without you!”
I don’t care WHAT Hollywood says, that’s about the creepiest sentiment you can say to another human being. Unless they’re giving you plasma. Or a kidney. Because then it’s kinda true.
“I’m still in love with my ex.”
Okay, okay, so there’s the one that got away. Hopefully, not the same one that got his or her car filled up with mud, but it happens. Sometimes feelings persist after the relationship ends. Assuming you’re unlike me and actually have feelings, that is. But no good can come of telling your current flame that you’re still in love with your ex. Unless it’s part of a break-up speech, and then still, OUCH.
“My ex was better in bed than you.”
Some people are better than others between the sheets. Not all lovers are created equal but nothing will drive a wedge between two people like knowing that someone else your lover slept with is better than you. Except for murder. Probably.
“I want to be with a woman who is just like my mother/guy that’s just like my father.”
Nobody wants to date the Incredible Oedipal Freak unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case you probably do. Along the same lines, my advice to you is to never, never ever ask a girl to dress up like your sister. Just, you know, sayin.’
“Yeah, you know what? I do go bowling to avoid listening to you babble on and on about your coworkers.”
Everybody thinks that their stories about their annoying coworkers are endlessly fascinating. They’re not. Typically stories about coworkers are longwinded, confusing and boring, and unless they involve espionage, threesomes or murder, it’s probably not going to interest anyone.
“Is she/he more attractive than me?”
Talk about a loaded question. Since there are approximately three kajillion million people in the world (roughly), there are bound to be at least some people that are more attractive than you. It’s okay. Might as well accept that and move on. Your partner is with you.
“Let’s go watch Twilight!”
Okay, so that’s probably something you never want to say to me. Sparkly vampires make me want to barf.
“We need to talk..”
I’m not sure anything good ever came out of that phrase. Maybe I’m wrong, but in my world, that’s a set up for only very bad things. Like, “I love you,” or “I want my mother to move in with us,” or “can we NOT invite your roommate?”
So, Toy With Me-ers, what else should you never, ever say to your partner?