My Ass Deserves New Lingerie

A million billion years ago, back when I was just graduating high school (or was I just in college? It’s all a little blurry, thanks to a wee bit of excessive, um, well, vodka usage), I was involved in my first serious relationship. Going on two years, we were finally showing the cracks in our united front, and I didn’t know what to do. So I did the only thing I could think to do at age nineteen when you’re relationship is failing and you’re not entirely sure how to fix it, only that you don’t want to be without each other because that’s all, like, sad and shit: I bought lingerie and body glitter.

Oh yes, Toy With Me-ers. I was one step shy of cutting all my hair off and dying my scalp pink just because, you know, that’s how to handle shit (rather than like, actually handle it, and shit). I figured the best course of action was More Sex and More Glitter. Which is, shockingly, not a bad way to handle problems, I suppose, now that I think about it.

But I was in the process of planning a romantic (read: sex-filled night of sexcapades) night composed of glitter and my new lingerie when my boyfriend “accidentally” found himself caught red-handed screwing around with the patchouli-smelling hippie friend I’d dragged to Victoria’s Secret to buy the lingerie with.

Whoops! Looks like I’d spent fifty bucks on some quality lingerie for fuck-nothing. And um, even worse than that, no fucking. It was a shame, too, I thought to myself as I sadly looked at the white ruffly baby-doll top and matching boy shorts. Because I’d really liked that outfit. It was classy stuff. And I didn’t even get to wear it.

(I’ve used the glitter all up)(duh)

I stuffed it in my sock drawer and turned on some emo song like, Cat Stevens ‘Wild World’ or anything by the Spice Girls and cried a lot. Like a lot. He was my first real boyfriend and it was shitty to have it end that way.

Eventually I threw away all of the stuff I’d gotten from him when I moved away to college. I kept the lingerie. Not in a sentimental, “I’m holding onto this because it is a link to you!” way. Just because I still liked it and thought it was pretty and cute and ruffly and I kinda wanted to prance around in it, smacking my ass in time to ‘Baby Got Back’ while my NEW boyfriend told me how awesome I was.

Oddly, it never happened. That’s probably better for all parties involved, now that I think about it.

I got married and moved to a condo in the city, then a house in the suburbs. The lingerie packed up and moved with me. My husband, The Daver, and I began trying for Baby Number Two (in that space, I’d accidentally popped out Baby Number One) which meant Baby Makin’ Sex. Apparently, in Aunt Becky Land that does not involve frilly lingerie.

At long last, that elusive second line appeared. I’d finally gotten knocked up. As the pee dried on that pregnancy test, I immediately looked five months pregnant. Time to bust out the jeans with the elastic waistband.

So, I packed up all my normal underwear and frilly lingerie in favor of underwear that could double as a bed sheet or the sail of a ship. I mocked the pregnancy lingerie I saw in catalogs because I resembled a daddy longlegs spider or a tomato. That cried. All the time. A crying, barfing daddy longlegs pregnant lady. I was the anthesis of sexy. No lingerie for me.

Then came the baby and nursing bras to hold up my gigantic melons and another baby and more nursing bras. The very idea of slipping into “something more comfortable” was laughable. Because, well, nothing was comfortable. I had a BABY kicking my ribcage and punching my vagina from the inside. Then the outside.

So, that same frilly negligee stayed in my wooden chest for four years. Untouched, my lingerie sat there, along with my string bikini and some misplaced socks, until last week, when I cracked open the trunk to see what was inside. I’d been cleaning out my closets, reorganizing my life, and this was yet another step in that direction.

There it was. My old lingerie. Nestled in with some mismatched socks and a pair of workout shorts, it sat there happily. I pulled it loose and held it up to the light. The first real piece of lingerie I’d ever bought, a solid reminder of old times; old bad times. But beautiful, still, even now. I threw it into the laundry because I couldn’t figure out what to do with it.

As I did my laundry this week, I thought a bit about that one piece of lingerie (never, though, about the mismatched socks). I still find it beautiful and it’s not like it’s part of some shrine I have composed of my ex made up of his fingernails and pictures of him or anything. I mean, I’m way over the whole thing. It’s been ten years. But I don’t know. Is lingerie like underwear? Does it have a shelf life? Am I supposed to buy new lingerie for a new lover? Is it creepy to still own it? I can’t tell.

I’ll figure it out, I guess, once I get my freshly laundered lingerie back into my grubby hands. Or maybe I’ll just shove it back into my sock drawer and figure it out later. I mean, by this point, it’s kinda tradition…right?

So what do you think, Toy With Me? Would you keep it or toss it? Is lingerie something that’s intended for one pair of lovers or is it something you can safely hold onto? Oh brilliant wise ones, impart your wisdom upon me!

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  1. Keep the lingerie and wear it with your man. Some people might want to throw away lingerie that was worn with another person but for me I think it is hot to have a person wear lingerie or panties that was worn with another person. I think it is awesome to pull a pair of panties or lingerie off that was worn when she was with another guy. Most fun ever!

    Keep,enjoy and WEAR it.

  2. Skinny Dip says:

    If it still fits, wear it! And if you put it on and it feels “weird” then, chuck it. Either way, I think you deserve some new fun, scandalous lingerie…just because :)

  3. I have to agree with pretty much everyone else and say "hell yah wear it"! We are in tough economic times and anything that still fits from 10 years ago and inspires you to blog about, I say why not?

  4. perhaps it would be cathartic to put it on and then have the daver tear it off your quivering body right before he has his way with you?

  5. Wear it…wear it hard…and enjoy the hell out of it.

  6. My opinion on the subject can be summed up thusly.
    If it still looks good, and still fits, then it's still wearable. Of course…I consider my underoos wearable up to the point where they get holes, so….

  7. Suzy Voices says:

    Fuck yeah, you should wear it! Show off that hot bod!! You're welcome, The Daver.

  8. Aunt Becky says:

    You guys are full of the awesome. Seriously, I need to consult with you on all my decisions.

  9. honey, if it's hot and fits you? wear it! I used to sell lingerie *cough* and I own so much that if I got rid of it after each relationship, well let's just say the homeless would be looking sexy.

    I also can't resist my very favorite Will & Grace Karen quote: "did ya think you could get into heaven wearing body glitter? well ya can't."

    don't worry, I'll be in hell too. I know the bouncer so I can get us into VIP.

  10. WhispererOfBoys says:

    Girl, if you can still wear it, wear it! I could not begin to fit into something that I owned ten years ago, so if you can get one boob in it after 3 babies, you wear the hell out of it and don't think twice.

  11. I buy lingerie for ME, not for any boy-or-girl-of-the-moment. Sure, I might buy something because I think BOGOTM would find me sexy in it, but it's still about ME. If it makes ME feel good and sexy to wear it, I'm not getting rid of it.

  12. You realize that jeans and a flannel shirt knotted at the waist are sexy, too. Right? I'd ditch the and move on. You want to be happy. All kinds of things are sexy. Get an axe at the hardware store. Get a saddle and some cowgirl boots. Get some jumper cables and a grease gun. Honey, leave the lace. It's over.

  13. I always look at buying lingerie as a purchase for myself more than anything, it makes you feel sexy, giving you a self confidence boost… and lets face it… what girl doesn't like to prance around in lingerie every now an then!

    Keep that lingerie and wear it proudly, you bought it for you to wear to so go a head and wear it!

  14. I feel like there was a lost opportunity there. Like for short pink haired glittery revenge sex. You went out and bought it for him and he wasted that opportunity that some other much more deserving human being is now getting to enjoy. Plus the dancing.

    At this point I say let it go and get yourself something really fancy. Corsetry or something.

  15. A) you always deserve new lingerie if you can responsibly afford it. Why not?

    B) As it doesn't have Deep. Emotional. Sexytime. Memory. Attachments. -type attachments then why NOT wear it with the Daver? Without Attachments it's just clothes. Unused, lonely but still nice clothes. Clean, even. Wear'em.

  16. You haven't got the crazies. The way I see it, is like this;

    You bought the lingerie for the Boyf many a year ago. That was back when all your ideas seemed like gems. Which, I am sure, at the time, they were. But that's besides the point. While when purchasing the lingerie all intentions were for them to be used and abused with this boy, you never actually did. Therefore, the sexy-knickers have no personal attachment to sexy-time with Boyf from ten years ago.

    INFACT, I would wager, they're waiting to be christened as we speak. They need to be naughty at least once in their fabulous life. If you still find them sexy as, why not give your hubby a little dirty dance like you were going to when you were younger? It couldn't hurt… and then they'll be smeared with lovely new memories. instead of being ghosted by old possibilities?