Toy With Me, I’m going to tell you a story that I don’t think I’ve told anywhere else, probably because it’s taken me close to ten years to get over the humiliation of it. As someone who has carefully documented my colonoscopy for the whole Internet to see, this goes to show you that even Your Aunt Becky has the potential to be embarrassed. And how.
As most of the good shameful stories go, mine starts with a bottle of Boone’s Farm. It was the only bottle of Boone’s Farm that I’ve ever drank before or since, mostly because that shit is for puss-bags and underage girls and also because it tastes like liquid assholes. Now, at the time I was an underage girl (and probably a puss-bag) and I’d never been exposed to the wonders of wine coolers, mostly because that’s not the way I roll, but the person I’d gone halvsies with decided that blackberry wine was where it was AT. So we drank it and I got stupidly drunk. Luckily, I didn’t have anywhere to go except for my boyfriend’s room, so that’s where we went.
My boyfriend at the time lived in a very un-classy bachelor pad with three other guys (and one working bathroom). Being a nineteen-year old vixen and beyond wasted on cheap wine, I insisted that he crank up the music to eleven in his bedroom before we started getting our freak on. It was probably three in the morning, no problem for a night owl like myself, but plenty of problems for his roommate immediately to his right, who had to work in the morning. But we were stupid and drunk and had no immediate thoughts beyond, “loud music is good,” “tacos are a delicious wonderfood,” and “Boone’s Farm should be imbibed!” Clearly our logic was impeccable.
So there we were, about as wasted as I’ve ever been, getting our very drunken freak on in his tiny bed, Your Aunt Becky ridin’ dirty, when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his roommate (the one that hated me and picked a fight with me about nothing at every single turn) screams, “TURN THAT FUCKING MUSIC DOWN!”
Startled, woozy and now completely off balance, I then tipped over to my left. I miscalculated just how far to the left I could go and then toppled entirely off of the twin bed and onto the hard floor with a gigantic SPLAT! As if that wasn’t shameful enough, my naked ass sprawled out on the cold, hard ground, laughing hysterically, on the way down, I’d managed to expel all of the air that had been previously trapped inside in a loud, “FWWWPPPPPPP.”
Oh yes, yes, I managed to let out the world’s loudest queef in front of not only my boyfriend, but his friend, whom I hated with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. Even over the cranked-up music, the queef echoed clearly around the room like a gunshot. I’m half-way surprised that the neighbors didn’t call the police.
What do you do in that situation besides laugh? Because that’s all that I could do. And that’s precisely what I did. If you’re going to be seen by your archenemy naked as a jay-bird, spread-eagled, drunk after having just emitted the world’s loudest queef, I can think of no better solution than to laugh your ass off. Well, that or scamper into the bathroom, for a good, shameful cry, but that’s not the way Your Aunt Becky rolls.
Now, I’m entirely aware that queefing is an entirely NATURAL phenomenon and normally, it’s one of those things that just sort of happens when you’re having particularly vigorous sex and you kind of titter about it later on, or, if you’re me, you laugh about it as it happens. Because if you can’t laugh DURING sex, why the hell not? But this, this was in an entirely new galaxy. It was like God was punishing me for drinking Boone’s Farm and having premarital sex.
I’d like to say that I got up, brushed myself off and stood haughtily before addressing my boyfriend’s roommate with some snappy retort like, “Knock much?” But I didn’t. I sat there on the floor laughing like a hyena on speed for a good twenty minutes while my boyfriend scurried over to his computer and turned down the music, ashamed of the scene I’d inadvertently created. He had daddy issues and was always bowing down before his roommate, terrified to piss him off.
Eventually, the cold from the floor seeped into my naked butt and I realized that I probably should put some clothes back on. Slowly, I wobbled back into an upright position and began to put on my clothes. My boyfriend watched from the other side of the room, clearly still a little put out by the whole situation which was a clear sign for me that he was not The One. Anyone who couldn’t see the humor in the situation, no matter how grotesque, was probably not someone I could date.
I settled in on the couch to sleep off the effects of the Boone’s Farm, vowing never, ever to take another sip of The Devil’s Poison ever again and once the room stopped spinning, sleep crept in. As the morning broke, the roommate woke up, and spying me on the couch, made certain to make as much noise as humanly possible on his way out the door. Head clanging loudly but shockingly sober, I pulled on my boots and winter coat and slogged out the door while glaring in the direction of my (now) ex-boyfriend’s room.
It seems that the indelicate nature of a queef could ruin actually a relationship. His loss, really. I mean, imagine if I’d farted at the wrong moment. I’d have been marched up and down the street with PARIAH on my face for the whole world to see.
So, Toy With Me-ers, do tell. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? I want your nitty-gritty, most shameful, embarrassing stories. You can always go anonymous here if it’s really that bad. But I’m doubtful that you can top being dumped over a queef. Take your best shot.
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A few years ago, when my husband and I were discussing what we should do for our upcoming anniversary, it occurred to me that I had never been to a strip club. I suggested that we spend a weekend in the city and take a tour of the local “gentlemen’s clubs”. Hubs agreed because, well, obvously. After an evening fueled by booze and boobies, we went back to our fancy-shmancy hotel and fooled around in our suite’s jucuzzi tub. When the water started to get cold, we decided to move to the bed and the best anal sex in the history of ever. Still drunk and lusty, I flipped Hubs over and climbed on top. That’s when it happened. That’s when 2 turds slipped out of my ass and found their way to Hubs’ balls and the pure white sheets that covered the bed. I was mortified. And disgusted. I’m still not over it and will never be able to wash the image of those brown orbs, smeared across a sea of white Egyptian cotton, out of my mind.
I've been laughing at this for 5 minutes, oh my god thank you so much…must think of my own now, but it will never top this!
Oh now, that's another good one. Something that would totally happen to me, too.
This is right up there with my worst nightmares and precisely why I am never having the anal sex.
I'm trying to think about the most embarrassing sex moment I've ever had…I am not sure that I've actually had any. Bad sex, sure, but I think that your dumpy-queef story takes the proverbial cake.
I think the most embarrassing moment I can think of is when me and my first boyfriend drove out to the middle of nowhere to have sex in the back of his 1965 (1965 and a half, he always said) white mustang with blue racing stripes….and the car didn't start after, and we had to call someone and get towed. AND it was totally obvious WHY we were out in the middle of nowhere at 2am.
The makings for an awkward drive back to town.
How about that time when me and the hubs decided to do it anal-style and he burst one of my hemorrhoids and I shot up straight into the air, shrieking like a banshee, and ran to the bathroom to soothe my poor, bleeding asshole. To this day, he has never tried to have anal with me again. Does that count as embarrassing?
My ass actually clenched while reading this (it's a little sensitive like that).
OMG can't comment I'm laughing so hard (with total sympathy because I will forgive my kids for pretty much everything except the hemorrhoids they gave me.)
Seriously, I am laughing so damn hard right now I can't even think hard enough to type out my most embarrassing sexual moment. These are the funniest stories EVER. Love it!
Thank you, dear, I didn't know there was a word for that. (which is kinda embarrassing at my age to still be learning vocabulary.)
So I was in a relationship for about 13 years. Same guy, same bad sex. Towards the end it I can't name a single time we did anything where it didn't end with me looking at him saying are you done yet? Also, I was on the pill at the time so that area was a little… how shall we say this… Sahara Desert…ish…. Anyhow, cue divorce and elimination of the pill. I'm with this new guy and things are good. Sex life is great and things start happening to my body that have never happened before. One night we're fooling around and I have a huge orgasm and it is… well wet. REALLY wet. Now I had heard of gushing orgasms but I had never had one myself, didn't even know that I could. So when this happened (if you've ever had one the first couple of times it's a strange sensation) I totally thought I peed the bed. I was mortified. And I didn't know what to do. When it was all over he went to the bathroom to clean himself up and I was totally in his room smelling the wet spot. Oh no… not making that up. I was SOO embarrassed for weeks I would always make sure I went to the bathroom right before we went into his bedroom just in case.
No need to be embarrassed about gushing, it's a good thing
I definitely farted once during oral sex. but then the thunderdouche slept with my best friend, so I'm not sorry. he deserved a fart to the face.
I was getting it on with a college boyfriend in his dorm when he got a suprise visit from his parents. Luckily his dad knocked and I had time to hide in the closet, but like an idiot left my clothes in the floor. Their conversation was really akward and finally his dad says, "Son have you had a girl in here?" He said yes, and his dad clues in and says, "is she in the closet?" and opens the door. I kind of tumble out, naked, and when I stand up, the dad is totally staring and gets a boner. He kind of mumbled, 'Ya'll get dressed" and ran outside. To make it worse, when we walked outside the mom was all gushing 'so happy to meet me' and invited me out to lunch with them. It was insanely akward and embarrasing.
Did the dad really need to open the closet? Creeper!!
Good for you for being balls enough to tell that story. I love me some anal sex and unfortunately it can be messy.
I consider the queef to be my vag’s way of saying thank you.
It was long ago and far away and hopefully most of the persons involved have moved away, gotten really old and forgot or maybe just gone on to their own reward in heaven…okay it's not that long ago.
Imagine a hot steamy sticky blazing night in Central Texas under a big bright yellow moon. Under this moon is a 1977 Nova and the windscreen (as my transplanted Canadian then boyfriend called it) is all steamed up and the back window even more so, the windows are open 'cause the car is parked under a massive old oak tree and no one would ever see it 'cause only the rancher that owns the ranch and little ol' me (who use to date said rancher's sons, not all at once, but in succession, the guy had four big boys but I digress.)
Anyway, we had been there since about ten because my boyfriend's apartment had been taken over by visiting guests for a wedding and so I told him about this place and the Moon was full and the night and we were young!
We were resting after our vigorous activities and the moonlight poured down upon us in silvery magical waves and the soft sound of sleepy doves echoed through the pasture, cows grazing and gazing at they walked by. I think we had dozed off, all cuddly and naked, clothing scattered outside on the ground where much of it had landed.
Okay, suddenly a really bright RED light is everywhere and whirling around and I hear really loud Tejano music and that awful little wharpuprp sound a sheriff's siren makes when they do that little "GET YOUR ATTENTION" thingie.
So, up to the car comes two big ol boy sheriffs one personally known to my father, a head DEACON hoping to be made elder at a fairly big Church-of-Christ! I am in my birthday suit except for my gorgeous stay-up lace topped stockings that I had paid a fortune for and kept hidden at my best friend's house until I needed them.
We are both all sweaty and shiny and kind of sticking together…the big red headed sheriff of course recognises me and since he thinks I'm younger than my actual age he gets all "Out of the car young lady."
Out of the car…naked? In front of two sheriffs and a bunch of guys that worked on the ranch? My pretty little dress is NOWHERE to be found, the lace panties are somewhere off in the pasture, one shoe is missing…so I whimper and try to scrunch my arms down and around and of course, my boyfriend, all six feet six of him (we were very cosy) tries to get up and at least he still has his shirt on and his jeans are well, down on the floor and he reaches for them and then it's all' KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!!"
Sooooo, the sheriff yanks open my door and just stands there as his buddy rushes over to the driver's side and my boyfriend falls out into the dirt and jumps up, all polite and Irish-Canadian sounding but pretty ticked off!
They let him show his hands and meanwhile I'm still huddled on the seat, naked but for my stockings. Which I may add, stayed up admirably!
To make a long story short, it was a happy ending, I wasn't under age, I got blanket eventually and the giggles too but this guy went to church with my parents forever.
I left soon after I married. The boy from Canada? Well, he was wonderful with the law officers and I was already crazy about him. I married him and we're still married. He still has a taste for making out in the woods under trees in the moonlight!
Jae.
Jae – that's a GREAT sotry!
Lol – Beautiful
I was dating this adorable guy, and I had been waiting all weekend to fuck him, but I knew I was about to start my period. Well… it came while we were eating dinner, so I had to say "Sorry, no sex tonight," but he was so sweet with the "stay with me anyway?" I got a little drunk and stayed the night. I woke up in the middle of the night and we were getting it on, happy surprise! He flipped me over to doggie style and then asked "Um, are you going to bleed?" At that moment I realized that I in fact had a tampon in. I had to excuse myself the bathroom, and it took a good 5 minutes of squatting and pushing to finally get the thing out. He had fucked it backwards! I'm talking the string was now in the wrong direction. After all the exertion and panic, I had broken out in a sweat and had to lie down in bed until the room stopped spinning. My man asked "Did you find it?" and then went to sleep.
Mr Wonderful and I had went to the store one evening, leaving our 2 sons and mother at the house. We parked at the back of our home which was adjacent to a park. We were flirting with each other as usual, and when we parked he came over to me and started kissing me passionately. Then when I turned around to grab the bag he bent me over "playing" like he was doing it doggy style. I pulled my pants down and we started getting it on. He was a bit anxious and looking around out of fear of anyone watching, he seemed distracted so I told him, "Either fuck it like you mean it or let's go inside!
He starts ramming me like the police break into a home! Within 2 minutes a voice beams out, "What are you doing?" and then a bright white light exposed us. A cop had parked further down into the park and creeped up to embarrass the hell out of us!
To make things worse (in our town of like 100 people) he works at the grocery store too. Mr. Wonderful and I lower our heads and try not to make eye contact.
I bet that made his day – perv.
I'm going to call you Aunt Becks, because we are destined to be best friends. Aunt Becks, I adore you. Sex is hilarious and awkward and ten kinds of embarrassing. If you can see the absurdity, even sexier.
I can honestly say I had never heard of the word 'queef' before now, and that I shall be using it henceforth to confuse and potentially gross out everyone around me.
I love sex stories that make me laugh out loud. I can't really remember any embarrassing stories, but I did fart in my husband's face when I was pregnant. You know how it is when you're pregnant.
Oh, jeez. The Queef is the worst, even when it's not in front of semi-strangers/enemies. Someone should warn women about The Queefs, too- like, "Oh, BTW, after you have your baby, even like waaaaaay years after, even if you don't pop him out of your cooch but must cut him out, you will have way more Queefs. "
Here's one. Freshman year I finally hooked up with the cute boy in my English class. There we are, WASTED in his top bunk, and I decided to pleasure him orally. What I forgot, being turbo wasted and all, was that I have TMJ. Or as others call it, LOCK JAW.
That's right. Half way through I realized my jaw, Would. Not. Close.
So there I am, mouth agape, trying to say, "My jaw wont close," but all it sounds like is, "Muah jaaaaaa waaaounts clthostuhs," while trying to physically close my mouth with my hands. All of I sudden in my drunken painful state I decided that I should call my mother, who also has TMJ. I guess I thought she could give me pointers or something on how to fix this less than stellar situation. I dial, sobbing, and my dad answers. Suddenly hearing his voice snaps me back into reality and my jaw shuts.
I cry and cry and cry, and my father hands the phone to my mother.
I told her I was brushing my teeth when my jaw locked. Thankfully it was 3am, so she didn't really question my logic all that much.
Needless to say, the cute boy and I did not enter into a loving relationship after that.
His loss. Right?
i had just met my boyfriend in italy. we were fooling around in his bed when i all of a sudden remember…it's my time of the month. fantastic right? i jump up and proceed to bleed…PROFUSELY…all. over. the. floor. i try to run out and as i do, puddles of blood follow me. drip. drip. drip. all the way out the door. boyfriend is fantastic and HELPED ME CLEAN IT UP.
This one isn't so much embarrassing, but funny. My guy and I had woken up and decided to have morning sex that day. For some reason, he tends to go much longer than normal in the morning, and I was starting to get a little dry. So, he reaches into his bag, and grabs what he thinks is lube, and proceeds to rub it on himself. Just as he's about to go in again, he starts yelling. It was then that we both realized from the burning sensation that it wasn't lube he'd grabbed, but hand sanitizer. Despite the pain, we both couldn't stop laughing.
Tip: Hand sanitizer does NOT feel good on your genitals, so maybe it's not the best idea to keep it in similar bottle to your lube, in the same bag.
Well. There's the inevitable "mommy, are you all right?"
but really not the MOST embarrassing.
The worst was when my husband and I first hooked up. I'd had a truly awesome party at my apartment that night. There were people sprawled everywhere. Darling man and I locked eyes and just knew. We scurried to my room and proceeded to get it on. We had one of those wonderful sleeping/waking/lovemaking sessions. Off and on for hours. That is until we heard the vacuum running in the living room. My sister had woken up from her drunken stupor and started vacuuming to cover the noise (I'm a screamer). She couldn't meet my eyes for MONTHS.
Oh boy.
Horrible #1: Was woken up by what I thought was my handsome roommate at the time (I lived as the only girl in a house of 4 boys), he was trying to 'get it on' (or so I thought, it was dark and I was drunkish), so I decided "what the hell"! We ended up having sex when I realized it was not my roommate, it was some other dude who was icky icky icky. Hope he liked being called by the wrong name.
Horrible #2: Same time period, too much drinking, and a big party. I ran into a guy I went to high school with and wound up on my friends couch going to town with him. What I forgot was that I had just started my period. We wound up going back to my place for the evening then back to the friends for breakfast. When we walked in there was a group of 20 or so partygoers that wanted to know why there was blood all over the couch? She made me shampoo her couch.
Horrible #3: After getting married I thought the embarrassing stuff was behind me, I mean, how could I get embarrassed in front of my husbad?! Well, after a couple bottles of wine we decided some anal was in order. Yup, you guessed it; poo. My poor hubby noticed and started to throw up on the side of the bed. Extra horrible.
who engages in anal play but is so revolted as to VOMIT at the appearance of poo??
i mean, really? let's not forget the primary biological function of the anus. if you can't stand the heat, don't go into the kitchen.
My ex wife and I had been playing with dildos for months… slowly increasing in size as we made more and more trips to the love shack. Well the monster of a purple one she picked out was pretty damn big. played with it for a couple of months. I knew there was only one that was larger…and I knew she would want it sooner or later. No i'm not intimidated by any inanimate objects and we had great sexy fun times with them so it was all way cool. I sprung the big money for the biggest toy in stock and left it handy under the bed. A few matrinis, some heavy petting and a little finger banging and we found ourselves in bed in a fuck stupor trying as hard as we could to play around. out comes the purple one and i remember the new one under the bed. I switch in the new player and she is starting to nod off a little and says whats that. I say its her new friend Tom, to which she says hey it is Tom, you cant fuck me my husbands right here, as she starts to wake up from her groggy state…..needless to say awkward…and now an ex.
Me and my "boyfriend" were just starting to have sex when I felt a strange feeling in my stomach (the kind you get when there's a lot of air in it and you know a queef is on the way)…
now in case you want some background on our relationship: we went out for 2 years and he was an angel and right before he became a senior he dumped me and became an asshole but we continued to stay together..now he's going off to college and I've grown to realize what an asshole he really is….but anyway…
Apparently he felt the air in my stomach as well and asked me if my period was coming or something. Thinking a queef was about to come I replied, "yes actually I'm supposed to get it soon". Thank God for that response because when I stood up to turn the volume down on the tv i released the LOUDEST MOST DISTUBRING QUEEF KNOWN TO MAN. He sat there astonished and then asked me the question I knew was coming….."Ew did you just fart?"…I stood there astounded at what just happened and started laughing even though he could tell I was emabarased and kept repeating " No I did not just fart are you crazy!" He kept giving me weird looks and laughing so that's when I panicked and figured I could blame it on my period. We stopped having sex after that and before he was aboout to drive me home I went into the bathroom and came out pretending to look all mad and said "Yup I got my period I guess that's what that sound was." He believed it but still made fun of me the whole car ride home. I'm a junior highschool and so nervous he's going to find girls in college that dont queef or he's always going to remember me as the "queefer." Somebody help!
Oh should I mention he hasn't talked to me since….