If you’re anything like me, you love getting presents. I love presents. They’re wonderful. And I love to give them, too. I actually love to give presents more than I love to get presents because I’m a giver and that’s just one of the many, many, things that makes me better than you.
But my husband on the other hand? Not so much with the gifts. He once gave me a garden hose nozzle for my birthday, I shit you not, and that’s lovely and very useful and everything, but it wasn’t quite the romantic gift I was hoping for and when I received this gift, he saw my present face. Now, I realize some of this is not his fault because he’s not psychic, but somehow I have it in my girl brain that if he really loved me, he’d know exactly what I want for a present, just like the guy in the jewelry store commercial knows exactly the right gift and that gift has diamonds in it.
Jewelry Store Commercial Guy is a guy who knows how to buy a gift that will inspire a blow job. Or, if the present is really, very nice, a little analingus.
And if the gift is really supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, maybe even some fisting.
Am I right?
Of course I’m right. I’m the Queen. If you say I’m wrong, I will go all Henry VIII on you and cut your head off. Or, I’ll not be your friend ANY MORE and have you sent far, far away. It depends on whether or not I’m PMSing and which episode of The Tudors I’ve seen recently.
Anyway, it just seems like common sense to me not to give something like this as a present:
Which is what I got for Mother’s Day a couple of years ago.
That’s it. Nothing else. Just the bra.
Close your mouth.
In his defense, it was the correct style and size, but do you think that while he was at Victoria’s Secret he may have passed, oh, I don’t know, A PANTY TABLE? Maybe some PERFUME or even some fucking SLIPPERS? Something other than just a bra?
And it’s not even like it was a sexy, lacy bra. It was a practical, every day utility bra and it was akin to getting a sock for a present. Not even a pair of socks, just one sock because everybody (except my husband apparently) knows that when purchasing a bra as a gift, you don’t buy it without the matching panty. They come as a pair.
So, there were tears.
And there was shouting.
And things became airborne.
Particularly, a bra.
He knows better than to make that mistake again. Now, I get gift cards so I can pick out my own damn sexy underwear. He still doesn’t get it, but baby steps people, baby steps.
And then a few months ago after an appointment at the obstetrician’s office, he had another “wonderful gift” for me.
I was just going to bed when he said “I have a present for you.”
“Ooooo…is it brownies?” (You give a pregnant woman a brownie and she’ll totally make out with you, if she can stay awake long enough.)
“Nope. It’s better.”
“What is it?”
“Close your eyes and put your hand out.”
And so I did, and I felt something cold and heavy and metallic in my hand which instantly made me think “it must be jewelry!” And when I opened my eyes it was this:
HE STOLE A FUCKING SPECULUM FROM THE WOOKIE DOCTOR!!!!
OH HOLY HELL!!!!
I was in such shock that I tossed the thing like a hot potato (or like a cold speculum) out of my hands and it went flying, clocking my sleeping little dog in the head and sending her scurrying under the bed, and then I scrambled to the head of the bed and clung to it for protection.
That, my Toy With Mes, was present face times one billion.
In retrospect, I should have known better.
My husband would never buy jewelry for me on his own, without prompting (except for that one time I got diamond chandelier earrings for Valentine’s day, but that was a freak incident inspired by guilt over his spending eleven millionty monies on “super cool modifications” for his stoopid Subaru, I can assure you).
And aside from my disappointment in the gift itself, the size is all wrong. It’s a Medium and I’m much too delicate a flower for a Medium size speculum. I know I’ve had two kids and everything, but I do my Kegels and I like to think of myself as a small.
34C, small panty, small speculum.
Or, come to think of it, maybe I’m even an extra small because refined ladies like me have very small and delicate lady parts.
(Did I really just give my underwear sizes to the Internets? I may need to stop drinking when I write these things.)
Medium specula are for porn stars who shove hams and… motorcycles up there and that, to my recollection, I have never done.
Anyway, that gift didn’t really go over the way he planned. I don’t really know what he was expecting, but I most certainly did not flip onto my back and ask to re-create my obstetrician experience from earlier in the day.
And before any of you say something like, “Crissy, you’re spoiled! My husband about shits in a bag and gives it to me as a present! You’re lucky he tries at all!” I will say to you, “If I put up with his gambling and his penchant for Asian hookers, I at least expect a decent birthday present!” Not that he really gambles or visits Asian hookers, but you know, just in case he does and I don’t know about it, I deserve nice presents for putting up with it.
That’s all I’m saying.
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I am glad that you confessed to drinking while writing this, because I was fairly confident that I did not have a drink yesterday. On behalf of all men, we are sometimes overwhelmed by giving gifts, except for the guys who give the chlymidia (the gift that truely keeps giving). There are so many things to choose from. Jewelry, chocolate, flowers, clothes, shoes, a baby sitter. Maybe something from each catagory would do the trick. I’ll have to try it with Mrs. J.
I would think one from each category would definitely guarantee a passionate romp in the sack
There are few guys who can properly buy clothes or shoes, unless it’s an item that has specifically been pointed out beforehand. Stick to the jewelry and sitter. If my husband ever gave me any of these presents I would send him straight back out the door and tell him he doesn’t get to come back until he has something acceptable. And if I found out he went somewhere else instead of going to get me a good present, I’d slash his tires. Maybe not really but these are the things I think of.
c’mon.
you can’t tell me that a medical grade stainless steel speculum isn’t a unique gift.
how many women in the history of the world have gotten one for a present???
Oh… the famous present faces…. Never been good at them unfortunately, or maybe I should say I’ve been really good at them, making the weird sideways smile with big open eyes…
You’ll hate me. I would LOVE to get a VS bra as a gift- ESPECIALLY if it was the right size and the style I like. If it were the right COLOR as well? Much lovins for the lucky guy (or girl, but I can’t see a girl buying a bra for another girl).
FWIW, I wear an odd size and I can’t shop anywhere BUT high-end stores. And I don’t own a single matching panty.
Yep, I’m a total oddball apparently.
As for the speculum…well…. *backs away slowly*
You wear a small panties? I wear a large. And I’m a 34D. I suddenly feel like an amazon. Also I have a big butt.
That’s what this post was about, right? Panty size?
J in the D- I guess I should be glad I didn’t get chlamydia. I hadn’t thought of it.
Toy- YES! One of each would be perfection!
Melsa- I think like that too. For example, he almost wound up with a speculum up his ass…
CP- Women around the world don’t get speculums for presents because generally, we do not like them.
Elena- I will teach you. I am a genius at present face!
D- I buy bras for girls (WITH THE MATCHING PANTY, CP) all the time!
Melissa- Yes! Panty size and The Tudors.
I am thinking about getting Toy With Me a little present.
I’m pondering a pair of slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.
Consider a similar gift for your husband. I’m thinking maybe the long Q-tips they insert into a man’s urethra when they check for gonorrhea and chlamydia.
Holey smokes! After reading much of this blog, I decided that you need to know about Thanks for Coming, One Young Woman’s Quest for an Orgasm, written by Mara Altman. It’s a
book you’ve gotta read. It is a funny and honest story of her experiences while seeking an orgasm. It’s a great gift! I’m the proud aunt of the author.:). You can get it here.
http://tinyurl.com/ycc58bv
Mr. Toy with Me- Hahahahaahahaha!!!!
Miss Spoken- freaking brilliant!
Judy- I’ve actually heard of that book! It sounds great!
Mr_Toy With Me – No sex for you! You should know I prefer a vibrator!
*Gone to fuck myself
omg that was too funny
I prefer that my husband NOT buy clothes for me. He’d pick out something a whore would be too embarrassed to wear.
I’ve learned to buy myself presents because Dave? SUCKS.
But for you? This year, my new BFF, I am buying you a Vagina Necklace. Oh yes, I am. ALL of my Toy With Me friends are getting Vagina Necklaces.
Oh my, what in the h-e-l-l was he thinking? Only a man would think an instrument of torture would be a good present. You should have used it on him to teach him a lesson. B is totally hopeless when it comes to presents. Even when I come right out and tell him what I want, he still screws it up. I think I’ve given up on ever getting a good surprise ever again. Even the jewelry lately has been tacky and I don’t know who he was shopping for, because there is no chance I would ever wear it. Sigh.
I’m a 38DD, and only because I’m FAT. And I wear large size panties.
And if someone got me a speculum, um. I might want to use it. Because I’m fucked up like that.
So funny! I’m actually laughing at my computer screen. I think it’s funny because my husband is basically the same. Wow…..
it’s just. i’m. what? exactly, i’m just.. speechless.. here?
what was the gift going to be used for? what did your husband think he was going to do with it? were you supposed to lay down while he inserted it and opened it? was he going to get a mag lite and check out your cervix, maybe look for some effacement? were you supposed to pretend it was a puppet and talk dirty to him?
wow. just. wow.
I once received a Dremel tool for Christmas because ten years earlier I mentioned it would have come in handing while sanding a piece of furniture. Do I need to say more?
I would take a speculum as a sign of open aggression, not as a gift of love. Those things cause me NIGHTMARES. I hate them and the exams that go with them.
i guess you guys have never heard of max hardcore, eh?
I should probably tell you about the time, when I was preggers with baby #3 and feeling oh. so. sexy. and my husband thought a nice “just because” present would be a vibrator. I had to leave the room to cry I was so upset. You’d think that when you wife is pregnant you might get her a really special gift to make her forget the fact that she’s so big she can’t even see her pussy.
Hmm…I think you may have solved the problem already. Just tell the man, “Get me something that will make me want to blow you.”
I think it might work.
*I know I’m late in reading this but ……
Did he think speculums have a sentimental value?! Awesome … a cooter jack! That would have given me nightmares for a week.