Las Vegas Fails On The Sexy Front

Right before Christmas, I did what all good girls do and packed my bags and flew to Las Vegas. Alone. I’d never been to Vegas, but every time I told someone I was going, they were all, “OMG, AUNT BECKY, VEGAS IS SOOOOO CRAZY,” so I was kind of disappointed when I un-boarded the plane and all I found were a couple of creepy looking old people playing the slots. No miniature Dolly Parton impersonators, no monkeys juggling bottles of ether, no aging strippers grinding on any poles. It was just an airport. With gambling. I shrugged. Whatever.

I met up with a couple of my girlfriends at Baggage Claim. They had also ditched their families during the Most Wonderful Time of the Year when you’re supposed to be all I LOVE FAMILY, but secretly you’re all I LOATHE FAMILY and we trundled off to our hotel. I looked for weirdness everywhere. I was praying for it. Bring on the weirdness! NOTHING. My hotel clerk was shockingly normal. Our room, despite being a penthouse – which was almost entirely unlike Penthouse Magazine – was also unremarkable. Apparently, it was NOT the Weird Time of Year in Vegas.

(the Rodeo, however, WAS in town)

Okay, if it wasn’t the Weird Time of Year, maybe it was the Sexy Time of Year for Vegas. I’d heard about the sexy stuff in Vegas, too. Prostitution and strippers and cab drivers that take you to strip clubs no matter what you say your destination is. Okay, BRING ON THE SEXY, VEGAS, I thought. I’m a SEX WRITER!

I had a MISSION! I was going to FIND SEXY. I was gonna BRING SEXY BACK.

Okay, that was going a bit far. But I did know that the other bloggers I was meeting in Vegas had lined up a Stripping for Dummies class which seemed like a good place to start. I got my SEXY WRITER glasses on and prepared to take notes on The Sexy In Vegas. (Keep in mind that I’d just had major abdominal surgery and couldn’t participate in many of the SEXY VEGAS activities)

Here’s my what I found out:

Stripping for Dummies: I watched a seasoned stripper try to teach twenty of my favorite bloggers (and friends) how to give a lap dance at ten in the morning on a Saturday. In Vegas. After a night of very hard drinking.

Not one of them could keep a straight face while they shook their boobies or waggled their “cookie” (the stripper’s term for a vagina which I’d never heard before. I sat in the back of the room drinking tequila, yearning softly for a chocolate chip cookie.) in their “partner’s” face. Their partner was a folding chair. It. Was. Hilarious.

The pole dancing part of the Stripper 101 Class was worse. Our instructor made it look effortless as she twirled and whirled around her brass pole. She blithely informed my compatriots that “it was so easy!” As I sipped my tequila, I was secretly glad I couldn’t participate. I didn’t want a tour of Las Vegas’s finest ER’s under my belt. Apparently, by “easy,” she meant, “probably going to make you fall on your ass.” Because that’s what happened. Not one of my friends could twirl, whirl, or otherwise work the pole.

Bloggers aren’t coordinated, I guess.

For having a ridiculously hot and talented instructor, I give the class high marks. For being ridiculously absurd, I give the class low marks. Stripping for Dummies: PUSH.

Pants Free Vegas: Multiple unrelated sources had informed me that people didn’t wear pants in Vegas. I consider pants to be complete and utter bullshit and I avoid them at all costs so I was thrilled. I tweeted about it. I blogged about it. I would have gotten a shirt made that said “PANTS ARE BULLSHIT,” if I’d had the forethought.

So I eagerly looked around my hotel for pantsless people. I looked for signs that said, “NO PANTS ZONE!” I looked scoured bathrooms and casinos alike. EVERYONE WAS WEARING SOMETHING ON THEIR BOTTOM HALF. The whole “people don’t wear pants in Vegas thing” was a TOTAL LIE.

I was Furious George. Also: deeply saddened. I put on pants. I was angry. I may have cried.

Pants Free Vegas: FAIL.

Escorts In Casinos: While I was looking for evidence of a Pants Free Vegas, I decided that it was an appropriate to look for prostitutes. Not, of course, because I wanted one (shut UP!), but because I wanted to see if there really WERE prostitutes hanging around. We have plenty in Chicago, but I figured that the Vegas prostitutes that hung out in our upscale hotel would probably be a little…classier looking. Or maybe not. I just didn’t know. But I was going to find out! I was like Nancy Drew! But a sex writer! Which is, uh, kinda the opposite of Nancy Drew, now that I think about it, but I digress.

I sat with one of my girlfriends in a small bar right off the hotel casino and just watched. People watching is always fun, but Vegas made it extra awesome. And sure enough, just on the periphery, I spotted a few escorts. Or what I assumed were escorts, at least. I didn’t ask them because it seemed rude and my martini was very, very strong. There’s a chance I’d have barfed on them. NOT SEXY.

But they were hot chicks in small dresses wearing tons of makeup who just stood at the edge of the casino scoping the place out. The tourists were all dumpy people in fanny packs (except for us. We were always wicked hot) so I could tell that these women probably weren’t there for the Rodeo. They were there for a different kind of rodeo. (AWWW YEAH).

Even though prostitution is illegal in Vegas and the surrounding county, it’s clear that the laws didn’t really matter where we were staying. I saw one of the escorts find a well-dressed guy and saunter off with him. I’ve been around enough people to know that they weren’t heading away to play a nice game of Monopoly or anything. And sitting just next to us at the bar was a woman clearly not with the party who were drunkenly (annoyingly) whooping it up. She took the drunkest guy aside, had a quiet conversation with him behind cupped hands, and then proceeded to hang out on his lap for the remainder of our stay at the bar.

It was kinda awesome.

Escorts/Prostitution in Vegas: WIN

Vegas, on the whole, was neither as rowdy or rambunctious as I’d thought (read: hoped) it might be. It seemed sort of like Cancun, but with older people with cankles. I’m not unhappy I went there and I’d probably even go back. But the sexiness was no more or less than Chicago.

And at least at home in Chicago, I don’t have to wear pants. Pants, after all, are bullshit.

—————

So, Toy With Me-ers, have you been to Vegas? Was I just there at the wrong time? Should I go back for more “field research?” Or is there a sexier city I could try to visit instead?

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. darktouch says:

    I've never been to Vegas. Part of me wonders what I'd do there. I hear good things about the buffets. The other part of me imagines that it is like Bachelor Party. Not mine, we rode Go Carts and ate Chicken wings at mine. Awesome by the way. No, I imagine Vegas is like that old Tom Hanks movie before he became a 'serious actor'.. the one with Tawny Kittain.

    Speaking of which… do any of the Toy with Mes know what they were doing with the hand beater in that movie?

  2. I had a connecting flight in the Las Vegas airport once. It was really weird. Women walking around in platform heels, getting ready to get on the PLANE that way, and old dudes playing the slots in Hawaiian shirts.

    Kind of like taking a hit of LSD.

  3. I feel disappointed for you Aunt Becky!

    I have never been to Vegas, so it only appears in my mind. Perhaps with unicorns and other mythical creatures. I would like to think of it, as it is depicted in the movie The Hangover.

    Although, sadly, with friends who live there, I think it is more like any other city, only with more neon lights and things open all night long.

  4. I went to Las Vegas when I was pregnant of 7 months. My sister lives there. OUGH! Way to hot for a pregnant woman. Not recomemded. I was 23, but looked like 16, so I couldn´t even get through a Casino. They kept telling me I was a minor and that I suppossed to be in the kids area. When I showed my ID, they thought it was fake. So, no way in! I didn´t have fun at all as Las Vegas style. But did have fun shopping and seeing all the shows around. heh! It was sth. Never go pregnant. Not the right place…hah! =P

  5. I've been to Vegas once to play in a soccer tournament. (Shut up!) I was responsible for nothing that went in — or out — of slots. The only thing I liked about Vegas was being poolside in the 80 degree sun in early April.

    But I'd kill to go with fellow bloggers …. That'd be the schizz. I suspect, however, that we could bring trouble to Bum-fucking Wherever. Hmmmmmm.

    • Soccer eh? Is that what they're calling these days?

      You, me and a group of kick ass women + Vegas = Nothing good can come from that, which is what makes it such a brilliant idea :)

  6. A.) Totally there at the wrong time. Come join me this weekend when it's full the rafters (and those are some MIGHTY tall ceilings Yo!) with porn stars and porn star wanna be's. Um. And Me.

    B.) Vegas is a canvas. It is what you make of it. It's just that there are interesting colors in the accompanying crayon box.

    C.) Vegas, when is does bring the sexy, brings it like the floor of a private room in a strip club. You KNOW sex was there. And it was graphic. But also? It's sorta gross AND, someone paid a lot for it. And they were probably drunk and don't remember much of it. And? There might have been some throwing up.

    D.) Seriously. Come to AEE with me!

  7. The last time I was in Vegas, I saw a shit ton of weird, but not too much sexy (unless I count those Mexican guys flicking the hooker cards in my face). But seriously, midgets, Elvis, Dolly Parton-I saw it all!

  8. dude, I grew up 3 hours from Vegas. it's practically my hometown. I could tell you where to find the weird, where to find the gross, where to find the ridiculous. and that's after you meet my family that lives there. let's just say my aunt still wears glitter hats and gold LA Gear shoes. one cousin is on parole. another has Hepatitis. and their kids are all delinquents too.

    oh, Vegas.

  9. I took a pole dancing class once. Once. I still have pole burn down the middle of my back. If actual kittens (as opposed to the sex kind) can't hump a pole, I don't want to either.

  10. desirous voice says:

    As a Las Vegas local, my opinion is you totally went at the wrong time! December is the slow season for us and although we have the AVNs in January, the sexy really doesn’t get started until around spring break time. Come back for the summer pool season. Or even during the fall. Those are probably the best times to see what you’re looking for.

  11. I live in Vegas and I have to admit it ain't what it once was. I don't know if it's the recession or that the church values finally took hold but it's become much more subdued than it used to be (and our tourists are looking hagard as ever). The cities ad campaign went family oriented for a while and I think that killed it a bit but our new campaign is "Camp Vegas" for grown ups so who knows. You still can't beat our allowance of open containers on the streets, the fact you can get a screwdriver at 6am if you want, The fact you can eat yourself into a coma for 12.99 any time of the day or night, and that most of our strippers are at the top of their game (except for the day shifts). In the end, Dead Cow Girl is right , it is a canvas and if you want mini Dolly Partons you must go out and find them.

    • Church values in Vegas? Who's brain storm was that?

    • if i/we ever make it out there i expect a guided tour, breena.

    • I've heard that it's actually sorta conservative there – because much of the tourist dollar comes from the conservative midwest. Do you think that's true?

      I was told this when I was there for a bondage conference and I was asked to keep the leather to a minimum in the common areas of the casino. Because, you know, the midwesterners were OK with hookers, but freaked out by dead cow hide.

  12. I live in Reno, but travel to Vegas for work a lot. Give Vegas another chance! We want you to love it!

    The time of year makes a big difference – what convention is in town? The Adult Entertainment Expo is worlds apart from the BlogWorld convention for example. And I'm sure Sex Bloggers in Sin City is the best: http://www.bloggersinsincity.com/

    There are some amazing spots not many people know about. Next time, connect with the amazing folks at the Erotic Heritage Museum: http://www.eroticheritage.org/ They'll send you in the right direction.

    Or visit during the Desiree Alliance conference (for sex workers): http://www.desireealliance.org A very sex positive crowd!

  13. I've done Vegas 3 times. Each time it was like staying in a completely different town. That is the thing I love about Vegas, it changes with the crowd.

    Also, did you save some hooker trading cards? I will trade you a Mandy for a Carmen. :)

  14. london is very sexy! come to london!
    you don't have to wear pants but you might get cold this time of year.
    x

  15. I went at the end of August, and because of the insanely hot weather there was a lot of T & A everywhere, unfortunately there was also a lot of sloppy T & A hanging out that you didn't want to see as well, but you have to take the good with the bad!
    If you go down to the old strip on Fremont that's where you see a bit more of the wierd. Crazy streep performers dressed up in over-the-top costumes, etc.
    Also if you were there this weekend AEE/AVN is going on and there would be a whole semi-truck load of sexy!
    I was supposed to be there, plans fell through… feeling kinda sad-panda about it.

  16. I went for first time to vegas in october for a website meet up was awesome i saw sexy girls but thats where the sexy stopped maybe i was looking in the places as well but im going back again in march so maybe ill find it this time. Al so the rodeo was there when i went as well in fact i was asked repeatedly if i was part of it i dont think i look i belong in a rodeo but maybe im wrong

  17. Oh, honey, you missed your chance! The rodeo was in town and you had trouble finding sexy? Sigh. One of those bull riders would give you the ride of your life. Or, if you are feeling particularly adventurous and your birth control is in order, a bareback bronc rider or two.

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