The Day My Son Took My Dildo To School

My friend "Jerome"The day I got the phone call from my four year old sons preschool is a day that will long live in my memory, and everyone else at that schools psyche, forever.

I’m at home, enjoying my morning coffee enema, when my sons school pops up on my caller ID. I answer, thinking ‘aww man, my kid is hurt or sick. I’m going to have to get out of sweat pants and go get him’.

The secretary on the line seemed confused as a baby raccoon. “Mrs. Atwood…” “That’s me.” ” Were going to need you to come into the school ASAP.” “Um, is everything ok?” “Can you be here in 15 minutes? We will talk then.”

I end the conversation, blindly throw on some clothes and head out the door. As I arrive at the school, some of the teachers in the corridor blushed and nodded my way, then quickly disappeared.  At that point the school principal sees me and calls me into her office. I think ‘not this again’ and memories of high school flash into my head.

She motions me to sit down as she begins. “Mrs. Atwood, we called you in because your son has brought an inappropriate item to school.” At that point she pulls out a latex glove and slaps it on like she’s ready to colonoscopy me. In goes the big rubber hand into her desk drawer and out comes a big rubber friend of mine that I like to call ‘Jerome’. Burn victims don’t turn this red.

Let me fill you in. (That’s what ‘Jerome’ said) My son often packs things in his bag to take to his dads house. I later learned that, along with barbie sized GI Joes, ‘Jerome’ had joined the forces as well. How on Earth am I going to tackle this topic? I apologized to the principal, snatched up ‘Jerome’ and tucked him safely in my purse. I got permission for my son to be dismissed early and I dreaded the car ride home. Luckily, he is four. I can bullshit my way out of this easily.

We are on our way.

Me: “How was your day buddy? I see you found mommys toy.”

Son: “What IS that thing, mom!”

Me: “First, let me ask what YOU were doing with my toy.”

Son: “He was the monster guard. When GI Joe tried to get into the enemys base, monster guard got all charged up and shocked him. How do you play with monster guard, mom?”

Me: “Ehh. Same way you do, I guess..”

Son: “Who does monster guard shock when you play with him? And what are these, mom? I found them next to monster guard ”

I glance in the rear view mirror, and abruptly pull to the side of the road. In his hands were a pair of ben wah balls and a prehistoric diaphragm. Obviously baseballs and a frisbee to good ole Joe.

The vaginal items were confiscated and the subject of their use completely avoided. I can’t have my son running around with a vibrator in his backpack. Maybe one day, when he’s older, we’ll be able to talk about Monster Guard and the frisbee and that he’ll be able to understand, but until that day – I decided to buy a box for my toys.

One with a lock.

Have you ever had a moment when someone found “something” that they shouldn’t have?

This was a a guest post by Shanna Atwood who is also known as CrackBarbie. You can follow her hilarity by following her on Twitter.

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Comments

  1. I need to start wearing Depends when I read your stuff because I laughed so hard at this I peed a little : ) aaaaahhhh, motherhood, the shit they don’t tell you about what will happen to your bladder.

  2. Gotta say, that was hilarious. Wonder if school will ever be the same for him when the kids grow up and know. Ehh…I bet they’ll have forgotten by then.

  3. O.M.G

    Going to buy a lock for my toy drawer now.

  4. Oh…my….This is my worst nightmare actualized. The only thing I have going for me is everything I own (currently) is pink and that color seems to fend off my almost 4 year old son.

  5. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is too incredibly awesome. The question is…. now that you know that your son has played with it, and thinks of it as the monster enemy, will you be able to play with it again?

  6. My husband was preparing to take our 18 month old son to the park. “Don’t forget to take the diaper bag!” I cried out. I quickly threw a couple of diapers into the bag and tossed the bag across the room and into the waiting arms of Dad.

    About an hour and a half later, Dad comes back and he’s not happy. He’s actually pretty pissed.

    “Why the fuck is there a vibrator in the diaper bag?!”

    [crickets]

    “Umm…. huh?”

    Apparently, he had stopped off at the store and as he was trying to pay for the groceries, our son started crying. To distract him, Dad attempted to find a toy, a bottle, a juice cup …. anything to shut him up. Frustrated, he spilled the contents of the bag onto the countertop and out rolled my incredibly proud, incredibly shiny vibrator for everybody in line to see.

    I still have no idea how it got in there.

  7. When my middle son was in kindergarten, in the public school system, he took one of his dads Playboys books to Show & Tell. I worked as an Aide in the same school. I was called to the teachers lounge to have the teacher re-tell my sons story about how he got to meet daddy’s girlfriends the night before and displayed the magazine for his peers to see these girlfriends. I was glad to hear that the teacher sat in the center of a semi circle of 5 year olds and he was to her right and got the magazine before it was viewed by all the curious creatures.

    *sigh*
    I was mortified.

    That has been many moons ago. We all still reminisce about my son and his Show & Tell days.

  8. Ok, so it isn’t everyday that I look at my blogger dashboard & see a big ol’…Jerome, ha! Seriously, a little warning next time. I just had my gallbladder removed & almost busted a stitch!!! Too freakin’ funny!

  9. I once answered a business call the morning after the night before at a date’s house. Needing a pen and paper to write something down I unthinkingly reached over to open her bedside table’s drawer. Luckily I noticed the horrified expression on her face in time! Never did find out what was hiding in there, but I’m guessing it wasn’t a Gideon’s bible.

  10. Lady Lover says:

    I do my own laundry when I’m at home. When my girlfriend comes (cough!), said laundry tends to include things such as used ropes and a harness thrown into a mesh fabric laundry bag to keep them from getting tangled with the rest of the laundry. *Very* long story short, my mom walked into the kitchen, harness held aloft, and asked rather suspisciously what it was and why it was banging around in our dryer. The pair of us were ridiculously embarrassed and started cracking up while Mom just stood there with a raised brow.

    Apparently the catch on the bag was broken, and out tumbled bits and pieces. Not to mention we’d just switched from a rubbery-plastic cockring to a metal one, so neither of us thought to take it off.

    Aw, man, it was so funny. The next day I got to explain to Mom what it was and then *we* started cracking up.

    Needless to say, we take the cockring off, now, even if we’re at (our) home. We’re just lucky my dad wasn’t the one who’d gone riffling through the dryer. XDDD

  11. LMAO!!!!!!!

  12. Now that was hilarious!! Glad you put the double headed dildo away!!

  13. Well, I certainly don’t learn from my mistakes:

    My very curious 5 year old is often found covered in lube (we no longer own flavored lube because of this)…she also frequently uses my liberator shapes as gymnastics items. My vibrators are like personal back massagers….let’s not even go there with the time she spotted the Hello Kitty vibe online and *begged* me for over an hour to buy her one…ahhh kids :)

  14. I totally feel for you. I wouldn’t know what to do or say in that situation. Forget about explaining to the teachers, I’d have difficulty explaining it to my child.
    But monster guard? LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    That’s pure gold!

  15. Oh, yeah. I’ve had a very similar experience. And it’s mortifying, isn’t it? Five years after the experience, my son none the wiser, is still asking about BOB.

    I blogged about it, too. Look for “Even the Sock Drawer Isn’t Safe for Bob,” @ http://www.mommyisdating.com

  16. Oh that GI Joe!

  17. Alley – “often covered?!” You should consider commenting on contest days as well, and perhaps investing in a locking toy chest.

  18. So, when the interwebs first came to Brooklyn, I (being the brilliant teen that I was) INSTANTLY saw a use for it, and looked up porn. A friend of mine and I ventured out into the city, and (giggling the entire time) bought ourselves the cheapest, crappiest vibrators ever made.

    One evening, I had *ahem* some personal time when the house was empty. When I was done, I washed my little toy, but then figured I would take some time to actually use the net for something novel… like homework or looking up cute outfits. When I was done, I went back to my room and hung out until my mom came home.

    She wanted to look up her stocks. All I heard was, “What’s this?!” and as I walked down the hall, I saw her holding my (CLEAN!!) friend in her hand, JUST as it started to vibrate. She literally had no idea what it was, so when it started to move, she screamed and dropped it. I dashed and grabbed it and fled straight to my room, with the sounds of her laughter following me the entire way. For the rest of the week, she kept asking if my “friend” wanted any dinner too, and was I taking my “friend” out shopping with the rest of my little crew.

    It may not have been my kid with my dildo, but there’s not a lot much worse than having your mom crack jokes all over the house about your vibrator!

  19. Oh my gosh. Best story ever. I can honestly say that nothing like this has ever happened to me. ever. But then again I don’t have kids!!

  20. my 4 year old daughter likes to play with mommy’s “magic wand.”

    it does look kind of magical, i have to say, being made of pyrex and all.

  21. CP – I’m sure it is magical too, at least to Crissy.

  22. When i was in high school, i visited one of my teachers at home because she was a family friend as well. She asked me to find her purse and i looked in the wrong drawer and found 5-6 vibrators and other toys. Ever since then i cant stop thinking about her and how she plays with them

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