A Tale Of Two Titties: The Twins Grow Up

Breast cancer can be beatenWhen Toy With Me asked me to write a story about boobs, I was like, WHA?  Because I really never give much thought to them unless I’m breastfeeding, like I am now, and my life revolves around them. Other than that, we sort of just co-exist. I decorate them once in a while with some sassy little number, but they never call attention to themselves because (when not being used) they’re just like Mary Poppinspractically perfect in every way. They’re a neat and tidy 34B which is proportional to my body and I’m pretty happy with them… now that I have them.

I think I was about 15 or so when I finally had enough boobage to warrant the support of a “training bra” (I KNOW!!!) My mom and my grandmother were so happy for me that they took me to the Ann & Hope Department Store, which was sort of like a local Wal-Mart, and it’s where everyone went AND THEY MADE ME TRY ON BRAS OVER MY CLOTHES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE!  I wanted to dive under the panty table and curl into the fetal position because at 15, the last thing you want is to be caught dead with your parents anywhere, never mind being caught wearing a bra over your tee shirt and getting felt up by your grandmother.

After the Humiliation at the Ann & Hope, my mom asked my Great Grandmother to take me to the mall for another cringe-worthy excursion as she loudly announced (because my Great Grandmother never did anything quietly–think of a combination of Dame Edna and Julia Child) to the cashier and everyone at the mall that it was my “very first bra” (which it wasn’t–it was my SECOND bra, but who’s counting?).

Oh the humiliation, Toy With Mes!

AND THEN!  As if the public embarrassment wasn’t enough,  I got some more for Christmas from my parents (!) and when I opened the box, my dad snapped this lovely picture:

My first bra1

It was a Christmas memory to block out only to be shared with the Internet 19 years later. I’m surprised that when I finally got my period at 16, they didn’t frame my first tampon for fuck sake (instead, my mom took me out for lunch and told the waiter we were there to celebrate my “entrance into womanhood” Ishitchewnot)

This is why I drink, people.

And then in college, I worked at a lingerie store as a bra fitter and I think I may have been trying to work through my bra fitting trauma from a few years earlier by cupping and snapping and embarrassing other people. It wasn’t exactly a fun experience, getting into a dressing room alone with another woman who is in her underwear (and not everyone showers as often as we do, Toy With Mes.  People are sweaty.) and measuring her breasticles, but whatever. I was in college and I know people who did a lot worse to earn beer book money. But you can’t feel people up for $6.50 an hour forever, Toy With Mes, and I eventually moved on and my tits and I got married after Graduate school and yada, yada, yada, I got knocked up.

My sweet little Mary Poppins boobies turned into Very Bad Naughty Girls like…Pamela Anderson! Holy hell did they make themselves known! My previously pleasant and well mannered boobies started to inflate to monstrous proportions and they hurt. And then, my friend Rachel said something like “just hope you don’t get bologna nipples!”

Bologna nipples? What are those?

I do not have a picture of what bologna nipples look like, so I have drawn one for you here:

2

I think we can all agree that nobody wants bologna nipples! And if you have them, I’m wicked sorry (Hugs).  And that, along with stretch marks, became my biggest fear. I’d carefully inspect them daily and I about got out a very sophisticated mathematical measuring device you wouldn’t understand to measure any changes in my nipple circumference.

Luckily, I escaped pregnancy without getting the dreaded bologna nipples (nor the stretch marks, thank God). But they did bleed due to the breastfeeding and everything and they were huge and hard and angry for a couple of months and I HATED them. I’m sure I don’t need to tell alla y’all who are breastfeeding veterans what motherfuckers they are at first. Thankfully mine don’t leak. I have a friend who had to cut maxi pads in half to soak up the leakage!

How udderly annoying that must have been for her.

Hahahahahahaha!

I rule!

Anyleakyboobs, it’s my second go round with the breastfeeding and I dare say, my tits are nicer than yours have never looked better.

3

RIGHT?

HUH?

And I never thought I wanted huge boobies before but they get me things.

Stock boys at the grocery store ask my tits if there’s anything they can help with.  Men offer me and my cans their places in line.  My rack even gets invited to parties!

It’s true!

But since I didn’t get the dreaded bologna nipples, I have developed a new biggest fear. When I’m done breastfeeding, are they gonna turn into some sad and sorry old flap jacks?

THE HORROR!

And so now I’m considering breast feeding forever, but I won’t breastfeed my baby for that long because if you ask me, once the kid can ask for it and unbutton your shirt, it’s time to say noooooo and so I’m going to go all Salma Hayek, y’all, and help out some little kid in a third world country who needs milk because giving up these bad girls

Boobs!

would be tragic.

Now, who wants a motorboat?

Toy With Me About Toy With Me

Comments

  1. Bruce Wayne says:

    The term bologna nipples is ridiculous…there is nothing more sensual than large beautiful areolae….simply breathtaking no matter the size of the breasts. Puffy nipples (small and large) and big areolae are the two most beautiful compliments breasts of any shape, size and firmness. A woman with a big round ass, nice accentuated hips, little feet, large areolae and a pretty face is the picture of sensuality. Note to ladies: Why in the world would you want boy nipples??? Same logic as wanting a flat ass and no hips. Nipples of all types are beautiful but those big luscious nipples and areolae really get most guys engines roaring….. Believe it.

  2. Damn, killed another thread. :-(
    Was it the sound effects?

  3. Nice tits Crissy, and I’m not just pandering, I’d motorboat them if given the opportunity, and by opportunity, I mean the next time I see you I’m going to look hungry and cry.

    BRPRRPRPRPRPPRPRPRRPPRPRPPR MNUM MNUM MNUM BPRPRPRPRPRPPRPRPR

    ;-D

    So, would you follow Selma’s lead if you were in an orphanage? Would you feel you have betrayed your youngest?
    @linda – best use of PornoIzed in a blog comment. ;-D Links to your Flckr account please.

  4. hahahahahahhahahah! Every time I read something you write I end curled up in the fetal position laughing my sweet shit off. Of lord. I can totally relate to this post too. I’m a new mom and my boobs went from average B to pornoized beautiful play/feeding things. I please the baby and my husband at the same time. Aren’t we such amazing creatures:)

  5. Bologna nipples > pastrami nipples.

  6. Mel: Thanks for that added info re: the link.

    As far as b(.)(.)bies go, you never know :)

  7. I feel sad inside for anyone facing both bologna nipples and flapjack boobies. (Please tell me that can’t happen!!!)

    But, I’m surprised no one gave any b(.)(.)bie love for this special week of posts!

    Oh, and the link posted above is definitely worth looking into if you pump and freeze any milk. It could extend the time of breastfeeding boobs, even beyond providing the nourishment for your own children.

  8. I love my boobies. And I’m probably not ever having babies. You know I work for a plastic surgeon, right? I can hook you UP!

  9. What’s wrong with Bologna nipples..? They turn me on….Also a fan of pregnant salami nipples.

  10. miss buttkiss says:

    sooooooooooooo cute!

  11. By the way, I think what Salma did was so amazingly amazing. It truly leaves me speechless. I only wish more people out there could be as caring as her.

  12. My boobs are so drastically small, even during and after pregnancy that the lactation consultant took one look at my chest and said “Those are so small the poor kid will starve, you better do formula because for your kids little girl, they’ll starve at the breast”

    Okay, so maybe what she said wasn’t anything near that but breastfeeding just didn’t work out for me and I somehow think that my size had something to do with it.

    They are seriously that small……..I’m barely a 32AA. I hate my boobs

  13. Great link Dolce – thanks.

  14. Ooh…wasn’t aware of the bologna nipples. Glad I avoided that one as well. You pretty much summed up my experience with the new friends, unfortunately, I still feel like they rule my life. My schedule revolves around releasing pressure only newly functional boobs could produce. Thank goodness the leaky stopped, but for a while there, I only wish I knew about using maxi pads. Could of saved myself some serious embarrassment in the beginning.

    The boobs are absolutely fantastic. And yes, you should donate the milky goodness to children in Africa. For goodness sake, the way my kid eats it up he wouldn’t survive in Africa.

    http://www.breastmilkproject.org/

  15. Hey Jimmy – Now you know better. Breasts are freaking sexy hot!

  16. Excellent post. Excellent breasts ;)

  17. Jimmy Changa says:

    and I thought men were obsessed with breasts….

  18. What about capicola nipples? Is that okay? Or is it all lunch meat nipples?

  19. WookiesGirl says:

    I have to say I agree with the “HOLY HELL what happened to my tits” experience when my milk arrived for my 2nd child. When It was all said and done and the 3rd child was done breast feeding, they became deflated pancakes… HELLO Plastic Surgery! Good luck with yours. If you’re lucky they will stay nice and full. If not then fill those suckers up with nice bags of silicone chica!

  20. You guys have HUGE tits! I’m not so impressed with myself anymore!

  21. I am hoping my boobs get smaller after baby two and bfeeding. I suddenly became a 34 D in high school. I weighed 115 at the time! Now, of course, 34 DDD. Dear Gawd.
    My husband knows that if mine go flat then I’m getting surgery. And a tummy tuck!
    I have to say-yours are quite lovely.
    I thought Salma was cool for doing that. And we drink insane amounts of cow’s milk. I don’t see the difference.
    lovely titty post.

  22. I actually applaud Salma for doing that. Some people are grossed out by it, but seriously? We’re talking about a starving little baby here! How could she NOT do it? She saw an opportunity to help right then and there and so she did.

  23. Hooray for boobage! I’m with you Crissy, I wish I could keep my pregnancy boobs for a while…maybe not forever…I’m only 4 1/2 months pregnant and already wearing an E cup…but boy are they fabulous!

  24. Awesome Rack, Crissy! I love your stories about boobage.

    My mom is very small in the chestal area. I am not very small in the chestal area and was pretty much the first girl in school to have boobage but the LAST to get a bra (and the entire 6th grade got to find THAT out during a scoliosis check). I actually had the school nurse send a note home to my mom telling her to stop being in denial and get the girls some support.

    Where is the line for the motorboating? (Ummm, just for reference, yeah… that’s the ticket….)

  25. First and foremost, since no one else has pointed it out, “Nice Rack Crissy” – it appears someone bribed the titty fairy.

    Curious: Did anyone check out the Salma Hayek link? Gives a whole new meaning to being generous.

  26. Bologna Nipples (AwHell, I think I just peed my pants). I’m also horribly frightened by Third World Nipples. You know the nipples that stand two inches tall. What the hell is that all about?

    • Haruspex says:

      Are you kidding me? "Third World Nipples," as you call them, are the best. Seriously.

  27. You didn’t become an woman until 16! You have no idea how lucky you are! I was 10…….yes….10……try being a 10 year old with boobies….wanna talk about embarassing! and not only that but I started out with bologna nipples, but I was great at breastfeeding! Never did have those perfect little perky ones! But mine are fine and hubby likes them!

  28. Yes, and then you lose all your baby weight and stop breastfeeding and shudder when you see women nursing and feel very superior until your bras don’t fit anymore.

    I’m going to eat chocolate ice cream until they do.

  29. Oh. My. God. First–I was mentioned! :-) But I am still in horror of the lunch commentary…that’s about as cute as bologna nipples ON flap jacks.

    Maybe you can take her out now though and announce to the waiter that due to menopause you’re celebrating her “exit from womanhood” …just sayin’.

  30. SeXXXcapades says:

    Awesome post, thanks for sharing!

  31. The words “Ann & Hope” bring up waves of fear (thanks to my own experiences in the lingerie dept. which I thought I had successfully blocked out, thanks for that!), let alone the idea of developing bologna nipples. Maybe I should rethink having children…

  32. Your post just made me check out my nips. The term BOLOGNA NIPPLES makes me want to vomit, ick ick ick!
    But they (my nippies) have grown substantially in size since I had Jonah. and become darker- “jungle amazon woman titties.”
    But I wouldn’t quite say they’re bologna. Yet.

    I will never eat that food again.

  33. you know what’s funny?

    i actually LIKE big floppy boobies. you know, the ones that were probably at some time much, much bigger, and have since somewhat deflated? i like when they roll around, and sway, and dangle, and swing. squishy. soft.

    i guess it’s all in the way they move.

    so bring on the flapjacks… imma gonna go get some syrup and put on my grub face. ;)

  34. BTW Crissy – I love your cartoon drawing!

    Also, I think Salma is awesome. Seriously, how can you pass a hungry baby and not feed it?

    • Dissapointed says:

      I don't like your drawing. I'm only 20 and have had Bologna nipples since I was 12, and stretch marks too. I hate to stand in the way of your creative expression, but you have expounded my greatest insecurity with that awful cartoon. I dont deserve these nipples. Having the body of a child and the breasts of a shrivelled old lady just isnt fair. At least, until now, I could pretend it was just me that hated them, now I know that they are the marker of what is most disgusting.

      • Dissapointed, do not take the commentary here to mean that big areolas to are "disgusting". That is not so. Love yourself, love your body. Easier said than done? And if someone else can't do the same then they are not worth your time.

      • Bruce Wayne says:

        absolutely incorrect. Yours are the picture of luscious sensuality. These other silly women deem little boy nipples as perfection. It is actually quite baffling. Yours are perfect sweetie. Theirs are boring.