Too Tired For Sex – How Can I Make The Time?

It’s ten P.M and I look down at the pants that I’m wearing. They have a mysterious white stain on them that, at one point would have been semen, but is now probably cake batter from the cupcakes I made for a school party for my eldest son. Oh, the mighty, I sigh to myself thinking of the minivan, the kids, the UNSEMEN STAIN, how she has fallen. Then I look over to my husband, The Daver, who has just gotten home from work and is sitting on the couch, exhausted, and barely keeping his eyes open to watch television. Oh, wait, nope, now he’s asleep. Looks like it’s no sex for us tonight. Again. Deep sigh.

I’ve been on a mission to reinvent myself since January, one I call “The Bringing Aunt Becky Back Project,” after having spent the brunt of my twenties popping babies out of my delicate girly regions. I figured if I had to spend what was supposed to be the hottest years of my life looking like McDonald’s Grimace, I really needed to focus my efforts upon making my thirties, well, better. Let’s face it, it won’t take much, people.

Like any good project, it’s gone over it’s timetable AND budget and will continue to do so. I realized that along with a discernible waistline, I’d lost a fair amount of self-esteem along the way. Part of it was trying to wrestle with my new identity and part of it was learning to deal with my new, awkward shape. I know, I KNOW, we’re not supposed to tie our self-worth to our waistline, I get it, but I’ll tell you that while I can’t possibly reveal the number without punching myself in the face, changing my name, erasing my blog and then running for the border with a hot Cuban named Carlos, it wasn’t pretty. It really wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t making me happy. And because it made me so desperately unhappy, it wasn’t doing anything to help my sex life.

Where before I might have considered, you know, GETTING NAKED to have sex, or slip into something more comfortable (no, not like a leisure suit) now I was pretty much ashamed to take my shirt off because it all just looked like mashed potatoes to me. Now, my husband never said anything mean about it, in fact, he was sweet, but I was the one who felt as attractive as moldy pudding. So I WANTED to have The Sex, but I couldn’t handle the thought of having to get naked and comfortable with my new body enough to do so.

Before you point out that all I needed to do was to pry the cake out of my mouth and get my ass to the gym, let me assure you that I already was. My body likes to hold onto that baby weight because it hates me a lot, but finally, I celebrated my last child’s birthday with the loss of some pounds. Then some more. And some more after that.

I’ll tell you, Toy-With-Me-ers, I felt empowered for the first time in years, seeing that scale actually move. There’s nothing more erotic to me than feeling like I might finally be back in control of some small part of my life, so that, of course, gets me in the mood for some humping. Especially since I’ve been taking care to make a real effort with my appearance. I’m back to waxing and dying and pedicuring, and pampering and primping and all that stuff I stopped doing when I felt bad about myself. That makes me feel even MORE in control of myself and pretty much by the end of the day, I’m about ready to hump the wall.

Except that most days, after taking care of my three crotch parasites, my menagerie of slightly neurotic yet adorable pets, pathetically working on my blog, and you know, all of the awesomeness that goes into being Your Aunt Becky, I’m kinda wiped. And The Daver, who works an hour away and commutes three hours a day at a job he works eighty hours a week, well, he’s wiped too. He’s been neutered now, which was supposed to alleviate the stress of “ZOMG AM I PREGNANT?” but now we’re both just so tired most of the time. Which, hi, that’s SUCH a cliché that I just vomited onto myself typing that.

So this needs to change immediately if not sooner because I REFUSE to be the suburban stereotype that is all, “oh honey, not tonight, I HAVE A HEADACHE.” I can live in the suburbs with the zombies and I can own a minivan and I can even grow some killer roses, but I’ll be dipped in pig shit if I let something as silly as sleep get in the way of my sexy time for very much longer. I’m just not quite sure HOW this can be accomplished, but like I tackle any project (balls to the motherfucking wall), I’m determined to find a way. Certainly, this is a not a problem unique to The Daver and I, which means that other people have solved it.

Um, right? So, dish Toy With Me-ers. I need some advice from you. Or sympathy. Or advice AND sympathy. And maybe cookies. Everyone likes cookies, right?

(And if it involves the phrase, “duct tape the children to the basement walls while you bone,” it won’t work. They wriggle out of that stuff SO quickly. It’s like they’re ACTUALLY monkeys and not children at all. Which, hm, maybe they are. CREEPY.)

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Comments

  1. Redbull vodkas at around 8 pm. Sugar free if you're feeling guilty about sugar before bedtime, but you need a boost.

  2. Hm, I'm still trying to figure out how I do it. I work full-time, overtime when business conditions need it, go to school full-time, and I am single-parenting the oddest and most hyper 4 year old ever. When the boyfriend gets here though it's like "is it child's bed time yet?!?!" I think that I am abnormal.

    I think I also look at it as, well once we do this I will feel much better, he'll feel much better, some of that final exam stress will melt away (who cares if finals are tomorrow, it's dirty naked time!), and I'll be able to focus again.

  3. GingerB says:

    If you get your mojo back, for the sake of all that is holy, please give tips, as we have probably dropped below once a month, and I am so tired I don't feel all that bad about it.

  4. I live in pretty close quarters with my roommate, which isn't the same, but has a whole new set of challenges. Frequent texts of "Don't come home from work for lunch" & "Go out to the bar and stay late tonight" have been our savior. Nap time is probably the equivalent for when you have children. Or find another neighbor that has the same problem. Cut a deal. One night, they have your kids over for dinner and a movie, another night you return the favor.

    If it's just the fatigue, start waking each other up every once in a while in a fit of passion. You're ready to hump the wall? I bet your partner might not mind waking up to being that wall.

  5. Well, what you've really got going for you is that the female half of the bed is ready and willing. I feel confident in stating that 95% of the male population is always ready for sex, regardless of how tired or even sick they are. You may not be the hot body that you were at 19, but I'm betting that you're still pretty hot, no matter what you might think.

    I'd have to agree that a spontaneous blowjob on the couch would both be fun, and get him in the mood in a flash. Let him get a little nap in if you must and then surprise him with your oral skills. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised.

    I can't see the Daver ever saying 'Becks, I'm really not in the mood' you're just too hot and kinky for that to happen. Early mornings, late at night, hell, the middle of the night…you'll make it ahppen, I'm sure.

    Kinda jealous really.

  6. My man is an over-the-road truck driver who's only home every-other-weekend. Yeah, 4 days a month. Mostly it's great, because i can do whatever i want. But then i realized he expects to get sex every time he comes home (in exchange for turning over his paycheck, i suppose) which for me isn't so great because he's here so seldom, and when he comes home the kids are all over him so i only see him for the 30 seconds btwn flopping onto bed and passing out, so when we finally have sex the night before he leaves again because he's gonna be gone for 2 more weeks and i don't want him to have to hire lot lizards, we haven't really re-connected from his absence so it's like sleeping with a stranger for money? and if i was gonna be doing that, i'd like to think i wouldn't be so dang broke all the time?

    To get that one night alone, we tell the kids (9 and 13) we're going to watch a movie together in our room before bed; we kiss them goodnight and tell them to turn out the lights on their way to bed, and tell them not to stay up too late.

    My new strategy (wish me luck this wknd!) is that we're going to do that EVERY night that he's home. I figure, we can get reacquainted the first night, watch funny movies or whatever, then maybe i'll actually be In The Mood by the second night.

  7. I don't know that I'm qualified to give you advice here. I'm not married. I have no kids. And I've never been (when physically able) *not* up for it. I even recall a few ex-boyfriends having to push me off with a, "I don't feel so romantic tonight…is that okay?" To which I reply, "No." So maybe you should just force yourself on the Daver? Always worked for me.

    But hell, these days all the action I get is from Rosie, my vibrator. She's always up for it and she goes as slow or as fast as I need.

  8. Believe me, your kids don't even want to know you're having sex.

    However there is something reassuring about knowing your parents are still attracted to each other.

    Just tell them Mum and Dad need some together time. Hopefully they'll find something else to keep themselves occupied.

  9. It gets even more tricky when the crotch parasites turn into teen age mutant parasites. Because at this age they know you are having The Sex. And the thought of them knowing, or worse, pressing their mutant ears against the bedroom door to hear what The Sex sounds like? Libido marches straight into the crapper. So while fatique isn't quite the issue anymore, the thought of three nosy parkers is.

    But… if it's advice you want about fatique? Don't throw a condom at me .. but .. taking walks together, i.e., getting more exercise can sometimes helps. A good B Complex can also help. Scheduling ahead — Friday night we'll do it so Thursday night we go to bed early — is another highly boring idea.

  10. stop beating yourself up cuz it aint happening like it used to. just be of the mindset come what may. (i'm punny.) then there's watching soft porn like the tudors or reading a book of women's erotica short stories (not too long) or watch a sexy movie like vicky christina barcelona, unfaithful, 9 songs, or in the cut..

    also going out to a party and being all flirty and feeling the eyes on your new primped and pumped bod and getting the daver jeal and coming home and banging the shit out of each other is a good alternative.

  11. Morning sex. Especially on the weekends. Although once our youngest did come up, try the locked door, and then was all:"Mom, what are you doing?" I replied I'd be right out. We weren't quite finished and I was perhap being slightly vocal and then said child (who was 2 at the time) came out with this:" Mom, are you okay in there?!". I was okay but we were clearly done =)

  12. Hot Momm says:

    I found out that I just cannot "turn the mood on" at night.

    So, I found out that reading blogs about sex (like this one, or a little more spiced ones) during the day helps me keep the sex energy afloat.

    Even if we do not have The Sex, I help him out at night, and we cuddle afterward. It makes up for the lack of intimacy with a minimum effort. Sometimes, just doing it to him helps me get in the mood and we have The Sex. It's great.

    Finally, getting out of the house helps. Try to find a motel close to your home that is not too expensive and have a night a month there (funny option: leave the kids somewhere and have lunch there!).

    I do not get it so frequently, but at least I don't miss it anymore.

    • Share the spicy bloggage, please?? I haven't really had sex energy in years, but 40 looks fun & i'm optimistic :)

      • Hot Momm says:

        I like this one a lot: http://pequenosdelitos.wordpress.com/ (it's in Portuguese, but I think the photos speak for themselves).

        I like it because it is real, the people that read the blog post photos of themselves (I'm gathering the courage to post a picture of myself).

        So you get to see real woman and men doing whatever they think it's sexy, and that makes me feel better about not looking like Giselle Bunchen. Be careful though, because it is NOT safe for work.

  13. I recently started dating one of my best friends, who, bless him, doesn’t mind the tummy flopping over the c-section scar, or the stretch marks (my GOD the stretch marks!)

    Being a new couple, for the first month or so, we could not get enough of each other. The baby isn’t mobile yet, so once she goes to bed, even if she wakes up it’s not like she can get OUT of bed to catch us. It was on like donkey kong.

    But now it’s starting to wear me down. I don’t know what to do about it except maybe make him spend the night less often, on the theory that if he actually goes away once in a while I will miss him, making it easier to muster up the energy to play hide the salami.

  14. Kirsten Wright says:

    While I don't have kids, I have a dog. A big dog. A dog that thinks my husband is hurting me every time we have sex (maybe it's cause I get loud?) all I know is that our dog makes it very difficult to have sex, and the locking the door and putting him outside? Nope, doesn't work. Just barks at the door. And he can bark LOUD! So I feel your pain…

  15. i think the deal is that this is nature's way of naturally limiting the # of concurrent kids you can have at any point in time.

    basically IF you and your mate have the energy to fuck like crazy, then you don't have enough kids and you deserve more.

    this seems to be especially true for women, who, i've noticed, generally require far more prerequisites to be met before they really feel like banging away (ie, appearance/self esteem, sickness/health, energy, time of month, state of shave, etc).

    it stands to reason that having a kid–something that requires inordinate amounts of resources–is one of those things that can result in some natural selection taking place. have a kid at the wrong time, or too many of them, and somebody's not going to make it. hell, it may bring the whole family unit down.

    so the problem really is that we now have the technology and medical procedures in place that PREVENT those pesky extra kids from appearing. however, the prehistoric behavior works at a more fundamental level and does not realize that fucking doesn't always equal kids. in fact, for some of us, like me and the daver, it will pretty much NEVER AGAIN result in kids. the energy and resources expended during sex0rz is NO LONGER open-ended. the trick is informing our subconscious sense of self-preservation of this fact.

    the reasons to fuck greatly outnumber AND outweigh the reasons NOT to fuck… yet it is probably the #1 issue for couples world-wide.

    what the fuck?

  16. Mornings!! Mornings!!! Mornings!!! We have five kids…we work…we are redoing/fighting about/redoing the house…we are pooped when we go to bed…my husband is a bear to wake up in the mornings…UNLESS…I spoon my bare little ass against him…a little grinding…a little lifting of my leg…a litte pushing on his part and we are rocking the morning away…at least for a few minutes!! AND we both go to work happy and smiling after getting everyone ready for the day looking like total dorks in front of the kids with our totally hot sexy "ya-we-just-had-sex looks we give each other, that make the children want to be adopted out!!!

  17. I'm with your other commenter on nap times. My husband and I have also disovered the joys of morning sex. Yay! put on a movie, let them stay in their pj's and lock the door!
    And as to a sleeping daver on the couch? Blow jobs are a wonderful wake me up…

  18. miranda says:

    You just have to get back on the horse- so to speak… Even at my most tired, ugly, fat and unshaven- sometimes I just attack my husband in the middle of the night when all is quiet and kid is well off to sleep… He is always pleasantly surprised and eager to please and I usually come out of my funk… At least that tends to work for me. Good luck :)

  19. Have a sitter take the kids to the movies (preferably a double-feature) and slip your husband some ecstasy on the sly. That should do it. I'm only sort of kidding.

  20. My issue was that once my kid stopped napping, our sexy time was almost non-existent. I like The Sex during the day. Sooooo, now that he's old enough to be left unattended to read/watch t.v./play wii, we have sexy time that we call "nap time". We lock our door and it's kind of like teen sex because you have to sorta be quiet and there's a rush but not rush to it. We'll throw in a good evening one here and there where it's less "drama" but I kinda like the whole "oooooh, I'm bein' a bad girl and gettin' it at 2pm on a Saturday.

  21. Although this particular month has been a rather dry spell (thanks so much stomach virus that went through 4 out of 5 of us followed by 5 days of fever for 2 of us!!), we usually have a fairly good time in our bedroom. My husband works a job where he has to leave the house at 4:45 am so he goes to bed an hour or two before me (my youngest clone doesn't go to sleep until around 10 pm) and although I often feel guilty about it, I attack him when I get into bed. Any tiredness he may have initially felt upon waking so soon after falling asleep is quickly forgotten by the good feelings in his nethers!! Sometimes he doesn't wake up right away and when he does wake up it's kind of funny because he thought he was dreaming. I have some leftover baby weight and resulting issues too but my hubs isn't his old svelte self either so we are working on that together as well. The Sex is too important (and too FUN!!) to let it slide Aunt Becky, so tunr off the llights and fumble around in the dark if that helps, but JUST DO IT :)

  22. Also, you and I are brain twins, I swear.

  23. You need to read my story tomorrow. It will fix EVERYTHING!

  24. I'm not even a mommy, but my chronic gastrointestinal ailments totally wipe me out, especially when I'm also working 50 hours (with a 45 minute commute each way) and going to school on top of that. I'm tired AND I feel disgusting since I've been pooping all day every day, while my intestines happily spasm. So Not Sexy. Then my husband works from home, but 80 hours is generally a good week for him. I uhh.. I didn't even renew my birth control this month since we never have The Sex. Whoops. Also, apparently condoms are from the devil. *Sigh*

  25. Right. But I have no tips. (Please share yours when you figure things out. *sigh*)

  26. A bedroom door that locks and mandatory nap time for EVERYONE!! My daughter is nine now… so she usually whines and bitches about weekend siesta- I tell her to go nap or go outside and I don't care which but mommy and daddy are TAKING A NAP!!!

    I don't think we're actually fooling anyone… but I get to have the sex… so I don't care! :P