Oh Happy almost Halloweenie Toy With Mes! I know it’s not Halloween yet, but I’m really excited about it because it’s my favorite holiday. I love Halloween even more than Christmas because I’m a godless pagan whore like that.
And do you know what my favorite of all the Halloween creatures is, the one I’d most like to have catch me in a dark hallway and ravage me within an inch of my life?
It’s not Frankenstein, although I wouldn’t mind seeing if that thing they say about the size of a man’s shoes relates to the size of his wenis still holds true for gigantic monsters created by mad scientists. I mean, can you imagine how hung Frankenstein must be?
Hel-lo! I dare say I might need stitches my own self after a night with him. Get it? Stitches? Frankenstein? Hahahahahahaha! That’s awesome.
Ahem.
And it’s not ghosts, even though they give me goose bumps all about my bodily areas, and I saw the movie and I’m sorry but Sexy Time with a ghost is just dead hot. ( No pun intended, I swear!)
Wolfmen seem like a good choice if I wanted to go all animal planet and shit, but they probably smell like dog. Not. Sexy. I love dogs and everything, but I don’t swing that way. You can love your pets, you just can’t looove your pets.
There’s just too much unwrapping to do to get to the good stuff with a mummy and honestly, I don’t have that kind of time. Besides, mummies are like, a millionty years old, and I have two words for that: OLD. BALLS. (Icky)
Zombies are pretty sexy with the torn clothing and everything, but I want to have my brains fucked out and not eaten out, so they’re not my favorite either.
Nope.
My favorites are the Vampires.
And I know it’s really hip right now to have a thing for vamps, but I can’t help myself. They’re just so hot and dangerous and dark and brooding and all of that stuff chicks like me really dig. It all started when I was about four- years-old with The Count and then after that it was Angel and Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer (is there a porn movie called Buffy the Vampire Layer? If there isn’t, there should be). After that, it was Mick St. John, the vampire from the TV show, Moonlight.
Here we are together in a hallway looking sex-ay:
But they canceled the show and that was that. He was fucking some other chick, anyway. It wasn’t meant to be.
Next, I was in love with Edward from the Twilight books because there’s still a silly fifteen-year-old girl inside of me who wants to make out with a boy who makes my tummy feel all squishy, but that was just an interim romance because now I have Eric from the Sookie Stackhouse books and True Blood, the uber sexy HBO show they inspired. I would leave my husband for Eric, and I’m fairly certain my husband would leave me for Eric because he’s just crazy hot.
Eric and I would make the most divine Vampire babies together, don’t you think?
Of course vamps and humans cannot make babies together unless you’re reading Twilight and then they can, but that’s not the point. I’m all up on Eric’s vampire dick is what I’m trying to say and I have many fantasies involving him. It makes me wonder what it would be like to have a vampire as a boyfriend.
Why are you laughing?
It could totally happen!
Vampires are real!
Not only are they real, but I have it on good authority that they know their way around the bedroom, or the casket, or the meat freezer or whatever because they’re super old and with all that experience, how could they not be amazing to sleep with? I have a few concerns though, like what happens when I have my period? Would my Vampire Boyfriend enjoy a special chunky style treat?
What?
Don’t be grossed out. These are real make pretend issues we’re dealing with here, people.
And what about the oral sex, anyway? If my Vampire Boyfriend gets carried away, it could lead to an epic case of being eaten out and I’m not sure I’m really up for something quite so epic. Maybe I’m just shooting for almost epic.
Oh and what about a wooden dildo? Would that be offensive to my Vampire Boyfriend because of the whole wooden stake to the heart thing? OR, would he appreciate the irony of “staking” someone else? Just so he doesn’t freak out when I show it to him, maybe we should just stick to silicone and avoid that awkward situation altogether.
I suppose lighting candles is right out because of that fire kills vampires deal, but that’s okay because lighting candles for Sexy Time is sort of not my scene anyway.
But WAIT! Some vamps are on the D.L., so how do you know when the guy you’re dating is a vampire?
I’m guessing if you can hear wolves howling whenever he’s at your place, or there are angry villagers holding up dead chickens and carrying torches hanging around outside his apartment, then he’s a vampire. If he looks anything like Dick Clark, he must be a vamp. If he refuses to take his cape off, and only agrees to go out with you after dark, he’s a bloodsucker for sure. And if, after he orgasms, he vanishes into a poof of smoke and disappears, your boyfriend is a vampire. Or he’s an asshole. It may be hard to tell based on just that so if your boyfriend does any of the other things mentioned in this paragraph, I think it’s safe to assume you’re dating a vampire and you’d better give me his number. I’ll take it from here.
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
ok, so i need to be a vampire this halloween, then.
from what i understand, vampire dicks are hard and cold. so i will be purchasing a stainless steel dildo and pre-chilling it in the fridge.
i can add some red food coloring to the lube, kinda make it look like blood.
i will even bring the smoke machine into the bedroom for an authentic exit!
anyway, i would think that vampires would have a field day with menstruation. it’s a win-win situation… you get licked VERY clean, they get a refreshing snack. fun for the whole family.
I just think that maybe they get sick of the same old same old all the time. Maybe they like to mix it up with a different texture?
You know, there’s actually a Twilight inspired dildo called the Vamp from Tantus now. You can pop it in the freezer to experience the chill of a vamp’s loins. Doesn’t freeze rock solid either. I did that just to see if it would turn into a dick-sicle. I did a review on it a while back. If you want to take a look:
http://truepleasures.blogspot.com/2009/10/interview-with-vampire-review-of-tantus.html
Personally, I’ve got a thing for werewolves. Blame my hubby. I really used to be into vamps, but ever since I married my hairy hubby, werewolves are what get me all hot and bothered. He even thinks he was one in a past life. I have no idea if past lives are real, but if they are, he definitely was one. And then, he thinks I was a vamp in a past life, so maybe that’s where the whole vamp thing comes in for me. I dunno. Do past lives exist? Does that mean I have a recycled spirit? O.o
True Pleasures- I’m all over it! Thanks! Also, does your husband smell like a dog?
i never really understood why zoophilia had to be made illegal.
I WANT TO READ SOOKIE STACKHOUSE SO BAD! It’s next on my list.
and you know why I enjoy Halloween? the candy. I think that’s why children were invented…
CP – you are sexy hot in a creepy way.
I heart Angel and Mick too. Now I watch Bones to see Angel get all cop-y and FBI-y and stuff. I like legal stuff, so this is a total win-win for me. Sexy and in law enforcement. Mmm.
I would be worried about the fangs, though, Crissy. Wouldn’t they hurt that very delicate lady area? Although cooking for him would be hard for me – I like garlic (I’m Italian). But I guess all he’d need is a bowl of blood.
I’ve had people tell me that they thought *I* might be a vampire, but there are some flaws to that theory (I LOVE garlic, for instance)
I think my primary concern would be that the nibbling on the neck would go too far and then I’d be dead, not enjoying the sexy time.
And I think you’re right on with mummies… I gotta believe that the bits would not be well preserved. Ick.
So, since we’re bringing up really important questions about vampires here — how on earth are they having penetrative sex? I will admit my whole experiences with penises are those that *ahem* stand at attention, but I’d always thought that a minimum of blood pressure was kind of necessary to achieve that performance. Kind of why performance enhancing drugs exist, no?
Although, maybe it’s just better to stick to the epicly oral ministrations — I hear they’ve got wicked tongues!
Yeah, I’m a bit of an Edward fan. And, still love my old Anne Rice books. But, lately I’ve been reviewing some pretty weird sex toys, including Wolf dicks, Dragon tongues and Tentacle dildos. See more here if you dare! http://popmycherryreview.com/reviews/top-weird-sex-toys/
Bow-wow, baby!
Oh, and Happy Halloween! Great post
CP- Repeat after me: Us, them. Us, them. Do I need to find a new home for Alice?
Natballs- They’re soooo good and very sexy.
Toy with me- Agreed.
Daisee- I have a thing for the po-lice too! Actually, I’m writing a post about that soon!
MsDarkstar- I can see that about you…
Michelle Bell- Do not ruin this for me with your LOGICAL THINKING!
dominadoll- Tentacle dildos? I need go to see that.
Bad logical thinking! Sorry Crissy, didn’t meant to interrupt the hot sexiness that is vampires. Just one of those odd things that pops into my mind during sexy alone time. Figured maybe you’d have a suitable answer so I can go back to defiling my young adult novels unfettered by my logical conundrum.
Michelle- logic is almost NEVER a part of my life. I don’t believe in it. Just ask my husband.
TWM: it’s funny, i get that a lot.
michelle: i’m no vampire expert, but i DO believe they have blood, which is a basic prerequisite for gettin’ it up. however, your inquiry as to whether or not they have sufficient blood PRESSURE to fill the corpora cavernosa is a valid one that should be looked at more carefully.
domina: that is the very first time i’ve ever see a doggie-dick shaped dildo. it is not every day that someone shows me something new, and for that, i bow and tip my hat.
Oooooo! Look at my banner! It’s prreeeettty!
Your banner makes me want to hump my computer. Because I can’t really get into the vampire thing. I know. I KNOW. No one will like me once I admit that. Shit.
For me, it’s all about Pinhead from Hellraiser, aka my Cenobite Lover. Because nothing says sexy like a bald man in a black dress who favors nipple hooks and knows his way around “the box.”
“No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.”
Were truer words ever spoken?
First, CP, thanks for THAT trip down the vessicles of your wenis.
Second, I’ve been over the Vampires after seeing the creepy fingernails of Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas in that Interview movie made one million years ago. What do their feet look like if their hands look like that?! EEEK! And Vampire wenis seems like it would be very numbing in a place I don’t want to be numb.
New question: Are all vampire wenises large? It would be awful being in eternal want for a couple of inches.
As for the werewolves? Eww. And why anyone EVER made a wolf dildo is frightening….thanks again CP for my education.
Rachel, you’re just feeling superior because you got a pedicure today.
CP: I’m impressed with your knowledge of anatomy.
Crissy: Your banner is very pretty!!
My favorite vampire is Lestat, but I can only see him in my head.
Oh, I forgot. Tom Cruise pretended to be Lestat with horrible results.
As you know, I totally agree with you about Vampires. There is a new show on the CW called The Vampire Diaries. It is about high school though. The guys are a lot hotter than the actor that they have playing Edward from Twilight. You need to read The Blackdagger Brotherhood books. Also how do all of these women get gigs testing out vibrators? With the amout that my DH is gone I could use some free “toys” they can be expensive.
I am so late replying to this, but:
Crissy – haha No, he doesn’t smell like a dog. He does tend to have a little too much gas sometime, though. I think that’s why we have to Febreeze the couch once a month.
Oh, and you’re welcome for the link!
I’m not sure I understand the vampire fascination. I mean, where do you work when you’re a vampire? You can’t get a day job because of sunlight. Vampires can’t take you to any restaurant that serves garlic. They can’t touch anything made of silver so forget about ever eating with the fine silverware. And vampires don’t like any of the foods you like anyway.
You would probably dump a dude because doesn’t like your brand of potato chips, but you are willing to put up with a dude who always has the perfect excuse for not going to the beach with you and can’t even get a job. That’s just wrong.
There is indeed a porno called ‘Buffy the Vampire Layer’… and it’s a complete waste of time. Bad cover, bad porn, bad all around.
I’ll just go back to getting myself off whilst watching Spike and Buffy have dirtybadandwrong!sex
xx Dee