When I was Student Nurse Aunt Becky, we used to have to stand at the nurse’s station and read patient charts under the guise that we could “learn more about our patients.” Really, is was so that we could get the hell out of their hair for awhile because the real nurses had no idea what the hell to do with us. It’s okay because we didn’t know what to do with them either. So any given day, you’d catch Student Nurses trying to blend into the wall-paper, standing at the nurses station and reading patient charts.
The first time I came across the term “anorectal foreign body” I nearly choked on my tongue. I’d heard of people who’d put things up their butts before, and I’d certainly seen butt-plugs before, but I’d never really considered shoving things up my poop chute for fun. Apparently, I was a stick in the mud.
There is a whole culture of people who like to insert things into their rectums. Things that even I couldn’t imagine shoving up the puckered poo-hole. Emergency Room staff see this sort of thing frequently, because people, upon insertion of foreign objects, will often be unable to remove the object. Which presents a problem. Your colon is a long, long place and not really ideal for foreign bodies to just, you know HANG out. So these poor saps have to go into the ER and say “I have a bottle stuck up my asshole.” And you thought getting a colonoscopy was embarrassing.
I’m going to be uncharacteristically honest here and go with “I don’t really get the up the butt insertion thing” because genuinely I do not. I’ve had a colonoscopy and trust me, they’re not fun, so I’m not quite sure how inserting a large zucchini or a tire iron would be any better. I’m in the minority, because a quick google search handily pulled up a number of things that people have inserted into their butt-holes.
My favorite quote from an actual medical case study is this:
A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a self-inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions.
I don’t know where to begin on this great snippet of a case file. He tried to get the perfume bottle out with a back scratcher, Toy With Me-ers, which provides me with the most delicious mental picture. And whose perfume bottle was it? His wife’s? Furthermore, how did she feel about the perfume bottle up his ass? Because if he’d tried to get it out on his own it means she probably didn’t know about it. I have more questions than I have answers and I hate to say that I have actually lost sleep thinking about this.
Anyway, here is my list of the best things I could find that people put up their butts and then could not remove themselves:
A Frozen Pigs Tail
Dude. I don’t even pretend to understand why someone would own a frozen pig’s tail in the first place, let alone why it would occur to them to stick it up their butt, but for some reason, there you have it. A frozen pig’s tail. If you own one, please don’t tell me. There are simply things that I do not need to know.
An Ice Pick
Now this defies reason and logic because while the bowel is certainly a stretchable organ, it’s also a puncturable organ. And while it may seem like a handy hiding place to store your weapons, maybe something that can punch holes in the colon isn’t the best idea. I’m just saying.
A Knife Sharpener
I’d normally be the first to crack a sharpest knife in the drawer joke, but in this case, I simply can’t. It’s too easy. So instead, I’ll simply say that maybe the ice pick person decided that his ice pick needed a sharpening in his butt.
A Bottle Of Soda
I personally searched high and low to determine the brand of soda, but nowhere was it listed on any of the case files that I found. So, the particular brand of soda this genius shoved up their ass (and was then unable to retrieve) is bound to haunt me all night because really, don’t you need to know? I DO.
A Can Of Baby Powder
Now the previous items, I can sort of see being the proper shape to fit up a butt, but this defies all logic to my pea brain. I simply don’t see how it’s possible to fit that up there, but you know what? I don’t want to know. The one perk, I suppose, is that the person must have had a nice smelling ass.
A very popular thing to insert up the rectum is food. Food is also, apparently damn hard to remove from your rectum, if the ER logs are to be believed (and really, who’d make THOSE up?). Bananas and salami, okay, but an apple? Or worse, an ONION? I’m sorry, but I can’t walk into a room where an onion is being cut up without weeping, so I cannot imagine the agony of having an onion exposed to my delicate butt. Then again, I wouldn’t shove food into my butt, so why worry?
A Curling Iron
You know, for all that hair up there? What bothers me about this isn’t that someone would think to put it up there, but that it got stuck. Gentlemen, ladies, if you don’t know what a curling iron looks like, well, they’re fracking huge. That must have been shoved way the hell up there.
Wow. Just. Wow. I’ve had some terrible luck breaking lightbulbs by dropping them onto things. Hell, one time I think I actually broke one by just trying to take it out of its socket. So to actually manage insertion WITHOUT BREAKAGE takes an amazing sense of agility and daring that I can’t even begin to comprehend. Well played, sir (or madam). Well played, indeed.
The report that I found listed several varieties of balls that people had, for some reason or another, shoved up their ass. Baseball, tennis and pool cue balls were the favorites. Their spherical shape seems to me that it would be almost impossible to remove (unless it was attached to something else) so this would win Aunt Becky’s dumbest thing to put up your butt award. Why not go with anal beads like EVERYONE ELSE?
A Live Bullet
The gentlemen who used a live artillery shell to tuck his hemorrhoids back up into his butt wins my Darwin of the Year Award. Because that’s a live bullet up his ass, which could technically discharge at any point in time…inside his body cavity.
I’ve never been happier to say that the only thing I’ve ever had up my ass was my head. Now, I’m off to bathe in some bleach.
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