The Diner Down Under

Why Am I afraid Of My Vagina?Cunnilingus, Eating at the Y, Little Man in the Boat, Muff Diving, Carpet Munching, Eating Out, Giving Face, Eating Beaver, Eating the Pink Harmonica, Eating Clam Dinner, and a personal favorite, Snorkeling for Oysters. Call it what you want, going down on a woman can elicit a wide range of emotions from both men and women. Mention muff diving at a family dinner and you better get the defibrillator for Grandma’s pace maker! It will send your teenage cousin into peals of laughter! Your mother will be grabbing the bar of soap to wash out your mouth and your dad will be clapping you on the back for finally entering manhood. Eating at the Y is not usually dinner time fodder, but today, let’s bust out the good china, polish the silver and crack open the bubbly. Let’s talk cunnilingus!

Pay Attention to the Kitty

Men, I am going to speak to you here. As a woman who utterly would donate a kidney to science LOVES having someone go down on her, I want to take some liberty and give you some advice from my point of view. Hey maybe your woman really enjoys your technique! Awesome! This is a first person observation from one woman who has a vagina and thinks when you pay attention to the kitty; the trouser snake is going to get a hell of a lot more attention from this girl!

Enjoy the Buffett

First, it’s NOT a Pie Eating Contest. For the love of everything that is good on planet earth, learn this lesson! Trust me; racing to the finish line in this act of love is not going to get you any high fives or deep kiss. As a matter of fact, it will get you a “holy fucking hell that hurts!” Take your time. Look, taste, feel, touch, lick, kiss…treat her vagina like a multi layered box of candy! When you view her as a buffet rather than a fast food drive through, your brownie points will sky rocket!

Toe Curling Cunnilingus

Second, I am an ice cream cone, not a bag of chips! Do not munch on me like you are devouring a bag of kettle cuts! Can you remember how much you loved to sit in the sun and just lick and lick and lick that soft serve?? Well honey, think of me as your dairy queen of cunnilingus! Round and round, up and down, in and out. Savor me and make my toes curl.

My Honey Pot

Third, my vagina does not have teeth; she won’t chomp your fingers off if you insert one or more into me while you are having dinner! As a matter of fact, by inserting your fingers while you are eating me out, my senses are heightened, my g spot is jumping for joy and I tend to cum far more quickly! Dip those fingers in my honey pot. Search around, find that g spot and help me out!

Easy There Tiger

Fourth, listen to me! I make noise! I moan when it’s good and I pull away when it’s bad…DO NOT go back to doing the same thing when I have said OW OW OW!!! It hurts, I don’t like it. Just like you don’t want me giving you a blow job like I’m eating a corn on the cob, I don’t want you chewing on my clitoris like it’s a square of double bubble. Stop. Please.

Working Together

Last, let me help! Seeing as it’s my vagina, chances are, I’ve touched it millions of times once or twice and I know just how to maneuver that clitoris into the right spot for that orgasm. If I want to help, take that as a sign I am comfortable with you and that I want to enjoy the experience and help you to be the one I brag about to all my friends. Trust me, the more you listen and follow my signals, the more valuable your currency is in girl world!



  1. MagicMAN

    Am I in the minority here? Not hearing from too many menfolk…But Cunnilingus is my absolute favorite thing to do. Ever. It is even MORE spectacular if a woman smells and tastes like a woman. Sure, I'll happily lick and caress a clean puss any day, but there is something wonderful about pussy that has developed it's own sweet musky flavors throughout the day. Don't get me wrong, unhygenic or truly dirty women need not apply, but I'll gladly work you to a frenzy fresh from a run, or a hard day at the office. Goodness Gracious Me. Yes.

    • There is something absolutely enchanting about the scent and taste of our bodies especially when we are deep in lust and our body reacts to the attention we are getting. I love to hear the stories from men who know what they love! Thanks!

  2. awesome post! i need to come by here more often. "Do not munch on me like you are devouring a bag of kettle cuts!" — hilarious!

    also, dip those fingers, baby!

  3. WickedShawn

    My only question is how to discreetly suggest our men read this??!! Oh, who am I kidding? I am about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

  4. Patti

    You are an amazing writer Natalie. Great tips and I loved the visuals. :)… I am looking forward to more of your writing! Keep up the energy and creative juices (no pun intended)

  5. Ok you have to stop writing posts this awesome – if you teach the menfolk how to give head TOO well, you are really gonna fuck it us for us lesbos ! That being said, I would like to add another tip from someone who has munched and been munched – If i seem to be really enjoying what you're doing, and there is moaning and groaning filling the air, "Oh hey she seems to like that, let me switch it up and try this other thing" is going to get you a kick in the head and possibly a fake-o out of sheer frustration. Also, when the big O comes, IT COULD GET MESSY but DO NOT STOP trying to avoid the floods that you brought upon yourself.

    Those are my tips guys. I actually hope you do not heed them well….

  6. OMG Pissing myself here. BEST article I have read in a long time. *Third, my vagina does not have teeth; she won’t chomp your fingers off * snicker! Well if the guy has not done it in a long time then it might just break his fingers off! LOL

    Of course he would have to do it right the first tiem.

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