The Permanipplelipilis

Hey, Toy with Mes.
I have a problem.
I know, I know.  I always seem to have a problem, but that’s what happens when you’re a pretty girl.  With perfection comes fussiness and a lot of maintenance, but the truth is, I have a horrible deformity.
That made you clutch your pearls in shock, didn’t it?   Well get ready to clutch them some more and inhale sharply in a gasp and spontaneously shit your pants because I’m about to tell you all about my hideousness.
I suffer from an affliction known as The Permanipplelipilis.  That  means that my nipples are always erect.
Here’s a picture of them just so we know what we’re talking about:
The first thing you thought was “Crissy must be cold!”
Well, you would be wrong in that assumption, but you DID immediately notice that my nipples are erect, correct? And that has to mean that I’m either a) cold or b) turned on.
But it doesn’t… which is the point of this post.
What it DOES mean is that after breastfeeding my second kid till she was a year old, my boobages have gone from a luscious 34D to a sad little 34B.  As if that wasn’t insulting enough, I ALSO earned myself The Permanipplelipilis.
Now, you have to know that they didn’t always act like this, Toy with Mes!  They used to be well-behaved little nipples. They used to only pop their heads up and come out to play once in a while.  I’ve been waiting for them to be like this again and go back to normal, but it’s just not happening! I’ve even tried to have a little anti-pep talk with them and I was just like, “Ladies.  We’re done.  Your services are no longer required.  There’s nothing to see here.  Please disperse.  Thank you for your time.  You can go home now” but there’s nothing doing.  They’re not going anywhere and I’m a little bummed out about it because I have to wear a padded bra or a padded bathing suit from now on because when you’re nipplicious all the time, people notice.

My husband, God bless his heart, does not understand why this is a problem. In fact, he thinks it’s awesome. He says I’m being silly and that my tits avec nips are even better than just plain tits, and I can sort of see his point because everyone has nipples and everyone’s nipples get hard once in a while and people (dudes, mostly and maybe lesbians) think it’s sexy. There are even a ton of euphemisms for it, like smuggling peas, having brights on, stiff nipplage, high beams, wearing party hats, NHOs (nipple hard ons), nipplenuts, and probably a million others I can’t think of right now, so what’s the big deal?
But it’s embarrassing, you guys! It’s something everyone notices right away and you just know that they’re not hearing a word you’re saying because your damn nipples are distracting them! Their eyes keep darting back and forth between your face and your nipples and you can just see the internal turmoil going on as they struggle to hear your words but they just can’t look away from the amazing nipple situation you’ve got going on.
It’s a lot like pitching a tent if you’re a guy. That’s mortifying, right? Having to stand up at a meeting or a funeral or walk through the frozen food section at the supermarket or something and trying desperately to hide your massive rock-hard erection? Everyone is going to notice and immediately make some assumptions about you, even though it happens to all guys sometimes through no fault of their own.
Or what about having a camel toe? We girls all have labia, but somehow, nobody wants her lady business showing through her yoga pants because everyone notices and then that’s all they notice about you.  All the men start drooling and muttering incoherently and can’t stop staring.  They even have camelflage to conceal that shit!

So what about a little nippleflage here?
I went online to see if I could find a little help with my embarrassing problem and as it turns out, they actually sell bra inserts with big ol’ nipples on them!
Okay, so some people pay for the privilege of being nipplicious, but I think there are probably more people like me who aren’t that thrilled about it because there’s a few eleven billionty products that fall under the “nipple concealment” category. There are Nippits which celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez are rumored to use pretty often.
And there’s another thing called Low Beams: Put the Brakes on Your Brights. I thought that was a cute name. They’re pretty much the same as the Nippits and can I ask you something?  Why is all this stuff is in the shape of a flower? My nipples are not shaped like flowers (come to think of it, it would be totally awesome if they were though). There’s even a bra that has special little flower shaped pads called “privacy petals” that cover just the nipple area.
I don’t think I’m going to go to extreme measures to hide my nippleosity, but it’s nice to know that if I ever need to go somewhere and I don’t want people staring at my nipples, there’s help out there.  For now, I’m just gonna embrace it.  After all, winter is coming and pretty much everyone will be able to cut glass with their nipples.  I’ll fit right in and nobody will ever suspect that I, especially, suffer from The Permanipplelipilis.
So do any of you TWMs have this problem or some other minor flaw that you think everyone is ALWAYS staring at? Like, when you get a zit or a cold sore, can you feel everyone’s eyes on it? Maybe you’ve got some giant EE cups that are always stealing the show.  Do you wish you could just wear a burqa and get it over with?


  1. harleypark

    I think they're shaped like flowers because a scalloped edge blends into the skin more easily than a hard edge, so if you're wearing something thin over top, it isn't noticable. (Because nipple covers that proclaim "I'm wearing nipple covers!" are not better than the erect nipples you're trying to cover, haha.)
    Mine are pierced so they're pretty much erect 80% of the time, but the point of piercing them was to draw attention, so it's not really a problem for me.

  2. I too suffer from this problem. After breastfeeding and then even worse when I got a boob job. Erect 24/7. You could literally hit a golf ball off of them. I choose to just go with it. I have embraced my nippleage and really consider them more of a superpower than nuisance. The other day I lost my car in the parking lot and I swear my nips acted liked mini GPS units and guided me to my parking spot. Okay maybe that's alie but how awesome would that be?

  3. Kim

    Ever since I got mine pierced they've been permahard. They were a bit happy before that, it could be 95 degrees and the second my shirt and bra came off they came a-poking. Now, though, they're just ridiculous.

  4. alison

    My answer: bras with molded cups. They're not padded, they just have a little more structure to the fabric. … 'cause, quite frankly, at size F, I don't need padding! But, when your nips perk up in the midst of a conversation with a coworker and a telltale smirk crosses his face (damned air conditioning!), you HAVE to do something about it. A girl cannot spend the whole day with her arms crossed!

    The nipple petals etc. are great, too – or so I hear. Just about any sticker-like pastie will do, and then you can be like that superhero goddess-woman in Flesh Gordon and have power pasties! 😉 In a pinch, I've used band-aids, and they're okay. Just make sure your skin is happy with whatever adhesive you're using.

    By the way, I only looked at your nips first 'cause you'd primed me for it. Otherwise my thought was Crissy's hot. … and quite honestly, perky nips aren't an awful thing to get stuck with ALL the time, you should definitely take advantage of the, uh, advantages of your situation, wherever possible!

    At least there are cover-up solutions for you. Short of turtlenecks – which I hate – there are no shirt/blouse solutions that prevent cleavage-viewing, or that don't amplify the size of my bust to some extent. … and again, telltale coworker smirks and inappropriately leaning conversations are going to get me in trouble, through no deliberate effort of my own! Hell, my boss blushed scarlet one day 'cause he approached me from the wrong angle and got a view ALL the way down my top. And I try my best to NOT dress slutty! 😉

  5. You know… I had PERFECT tits until I fucking breastfed!!!! Now they're all fucking deflated! Bullshit!

    I'm thinking the only solution is going to be padded bras bitch… Gotta do it, take one for the home team!

  6. Joie

    I think my issue is opposite. I rarely ever get nippleitis. I have DDD breasticles and I have NO idea if that has something to do with it. But even when mine were a bit smaller, I still had no headlights.

    My ex thought he just wasn't "getting" to me well enough and would try SO hard. It wasn't that I wasn't turned on, I just don't have the ability to make them pop out!

    Sometimes when I am cold in the morning, or any time I am super tired, the girls take a peak out. But other than that….nada. Kinda sucks!

    • Kendra

      I'm in the same boat, Joie. Except mine never, ever no matter what come out to play. Which really does suck. And it really does make my partner(s) think they just aren't doing something even when everything else is good to go. It's frustrating for both of us. My breasts hover between double and triple D. But just like Joie, I'm pretty sure they were never there.

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