The Weirdest Porn I’ve Ever Loved

 

The JackrabbitI was at work a few weeks ago when my husband called to share a few porn titles with me. Not only does he consume an inordinate amount of porn, but we have a need for such things sometimes, and can I just tell you that porn titles are awesome for lifting the spirits? Seriously, who doesn’t laugh when they see a title like My Secretary Is a Secret Transsexual or Fillet of Booty?

Nobody doesn’t laugh, that’s who. Even my mom would laugh, probably. (Hi mom! He forces me! I’d rather be watching The 700 Club, I swear!).

And then he came across Midget Mania #2:Wild! Crazy!

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and I was all “WHATWHAT?” I don’t know why I was so surprised by it because of course midgets are people too, right? (That’s not the PC term is it? What is it? Little People? Lilliputians? Shorties? I’m never sure, so I’m just going to go on being offensive. After all, we’re talking about porn here. I’m not sure the PC rules apply.) Anyway, they get their freaks on just like everybody else, I imagined, but the very idea of it was really, very funny and of course I HAD TO see it because DUH! That’s all sorts of fan-freakin-tastic right there.

I mean, are little people penises the same size as tall people penises?

I NEED TO KNOW!

Well, let me tell you—Midget Mania 2 satisfied my hunger for good comedy and schooled me in the ways of little people penii. It was wondrous in its bizarre glory and one of my favorite scenes featured two escaped male prisoner midgets dressed in prison uniforms and handcuffs. They supposedly broke into a house to hide from the police, and in that house lived a hot Latina woman who was a lettuce farmer.

Right?

But wait, it gets better.

There was some sort of silly banter and the prisoners said they haven’t touched a woman in 10 years and this turned her on so the lettuce farmer starts stripping her clothes off and the midgets (who appear to have normal size dicks, btw—and ONE of the midgets was actually kind of hot) double penetrate her on a bed of…anyone? anyone? Lettuce. And the farmer was rubbing the lettuce all over her boobs (no doubt the high point in the actress’s career) and by the end everyone had smooshed green lettuce streaks and bits all over them.

It was hilarious, but also a little bit gross because of my food and sex issues, and I will never look at a head of iceberg quite the same way again, but it was so worth it. Spinach is waaaaay better for you anyway.

As if love on a bed of lettuce wasn’t bizarre enough, the scene with the zombie midget was even better. It starts off with a confused slut (I dare you Toy with Mes to find porn that doesn’t have any “confused sluts” in it. The challenge has been thrown down! Go forth and seek it, my friends!), wandering around what looked like fairgrounds or some sort of antique car show or used car lot or junkyard or something, and she was all alone and stumbly in her porn shoes when out of nowhere, a midget zombie who wanted to fuck her brains out instead of suck her brains out started following her.

OH NOS!!!

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Run confused slut! RUUUNNNNN lest you be accosted by a tiny zombie in a size 3T suit and Halloween makeup!

And in true horror movie fashion, she runs into some messy office-type building where she gets cornered by the little zombie dude, screaming and kicking all the way, until he manages to awkwardly pin her to the couch and OH! what do we have here?

Suddenly she goes from sucky actress to sucky-fucky blow job maven and then eventually there was buttsecks and she was all “fuck me with your mini-dick!” and it was just…UGH!

Fabulous.

But I think what makes this whole video stand out, for me at least, isn’t so much the little people having sex. It’s the bizarre scenarios. There’s nothing like a little ludicrous comedy in your porn. I think that makes it way better. I appreciate the imagination it takes to pull it off—mostly because I’m insane and I have a twisted sense of humor. Clearly.

I was even going to do a Barbie pictorial of the midget porn for you, but I didn’t think it was appropriate to recreate any of it in front of my four-year-old. Imagine that coming out at Preschool!

Oy.

Anywho, while searching for bizarre/funny porn, my husband found a couple of new ones for me and I’m pretty excited about them. One of them is a human curling video where they lube up a couple of Japanese chicks and hurl them down the curling court or whatever it’s called. Points are awarded for accuracy. Bonus if she lands on (around?) a dildo! But the one I’m most excited about is Kung Fu Girls 2. I’ve always wanted to take Kung Fu lessons and this might just be the inspiration I need. It features an Evil Ninja Queen who has returned from outer space and plans to take over the planet with the help of an army of ninja zombies (who could very possibly be more awesome than midget zombies) and giant green space creatures on her side. Only the Kung-Fu Girls, led by their new master Yu Suk Wang, (Hahahhahahaha) can stop her evil plans. They heroically do the sucky-fucky with all their holes to save the Universe!

You can’t fit more awesome into a porn movie. You just can’t! I’ll let you know how that one is after I’ve seen it.

But I’m going to need more suggestions after that Toy with Mes. Tell me about your bizarre porn experiences, or make up your own ridiculous porn scenarios, or tell me you’ve never seen porn before (and then tell me what exactly is wrong with you)—just talk to me people!

Talk to me about The Porn.

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0 comments

  1. @Bonedwarf

    Somewhere I have Long Jeanne Silver where a female amputee fucks women with her leg stump.

    That’s pretty weird!

  2. CP

    if by “sleeper” you mean “a car that looks like a hoopty but runs 11 second quarter miles,” then you’ve got me pegged. 😉

    i never have an issue with my wife making herself happy! i just want to be invited to watch.

  3. P'tucket Soriano

    Well yeah CP, she’d have to now wouldn’t she? Fact! Guys who talk about butt plugs as much as you do, are sleepers in the sack.

    Besides, old Seaman, the gal you pimp out, is exhausted already, typing her sweet little pimped out fingers raw for whatever it is you sold her on. Evidently not too raw to twang on the twat, to some good old “little people” porn, though.

    Crissie make the little Pimpster take you to Lake Cuomo this summer.
    Break out of the mold, before it’s too late, and you find yourself alone in in a dark room, addicted to zombie porn to get your rocks off.

  4. MetaMutantX

    Is the Ninja one, the one where the combatants hurl themselves Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon style at eachother and then spin into an upright 69? If so, that was one of my inspirations when I started writing superhero porn.

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