A Tale Of Two Titties: The Twins Grow Up

Breast cancer can be beatenWhen Toy With Me asked me to write a story about boobs, I was like, WHA?  Because I really never give much thought to them unless I’m breastfeeding, like I am now, and my life revolves around them. Other than that, we sort of just co-exist. I decorate them once in a while with some sassy little number, but they never call attention to themselves because (when not being used) they’re just like Mary Poppinspractically perfect in every way. They’re a neat and tidy 34B which is proportional to my body and I’m pretty happy with them… now that I have them.

I think I was about 15 or so when I finally had enough boobage to warrant the support of a “training bra” (I KNOW!!!) My mom and my grandmother were so happy for me that they took me to the Ann & Hope Department Store, which was sort of like a local Wal-Mart, and it’s where everyone went AND THEY MADE ME TRY ON BRAS OVER MY CLOTHES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE!  I wanted to dive under the panty table and curl into the fetal position because at 15, the last thing you want is to be caught dead with your parents anywhere, never mind being caught wearing a bra over your tee shirt and getting felt up by your grandmother.

After the Humiliation at the Ann & Hope, my mom asked my Great Grandmother to take me to the mall for another cringe-worthy excursion as she loudly announced (because my Great Grandmother never did anything quietly–think of a combination of Dame Edna and Julia Child) to the cashier and everyone at the mall that it was my “very first bra” (which it wasn’t–it was my SECOND bra, but who’s counting?).

Oh the humiliation, Toy With Mes!

AND THEN!  As if the public embarrassment wasn’t enough,  I got some more for Christmas from my parents (!) and when I opened the box, my dad snapped this lovely picture:

My first bra1

It was a Christmas memory to block out only to be shared with the Internet 19 years later. I’m surprised that when I finally got my period at 16, they didn’t frame my first tampon for fuck sake (instead, my mom took me out for lunch and told the waiter we were there to celebrate my “entrance into womanhood” Ishitchewnot)

This is why I drink, people.

And then in college, I worked at a lingerie store as a bra fitter and I think I may have been trying to work through my bra fitting trauma from a few years earlier by cupping and snapping and embarrassing other people. It wasn’t exactly a fun experience, getting into a dressing room alone with another woman who is in her underwear (and not everyone showers as often as we do, Toy With Mes.  People are sweaty.) and measuring her breasticles, but whatever. I was in college and I know people who did a lot worse to earn beer book money. But you can’t feel people up for $6.50 an hour forever, Toy With Mes, and I eventually moved on and my tits and I got married after Graduate school and yada, yada, yada, I got knocked up.

My sweet little Mary Poppins boobies turned into Very Bad Naughty Girls like…Pamela Anderson! Holy hell did they make themselves known! My previously pleasant and well mannered boobies started to inflate to monstrous proportions and they hurt. And then, my friend Rachel said something like “just hope you don’t get bologna nipples!”

Bologna nipples? What are those?

I do not have a picture of what bologna nipples look like, so I have drawn one for you here:

2

I think we can all agree that nobody wants bologna nipples! And if you have them, I’m wicked sorry (Hugs).  And that, along with stretch marks, became my biggest fear. I’d carefully inspect them daily and I about got out a very sophisticated mathematical measuring device you wouldn’t understand to measure any changes in my nipple circumference.

Luckily, I escaped pregnancy without getting the dreaded bologna nipples (nor the stretch marks, thank God). But they did bleed due to the breastfeeding and everything and they were huge and hard and angry for a couple of months and I HATED them. I’m sure I don’t need to tell alla y’all who are breastfeeding veterans what motherfuckers they are at first. Thankfully mine don’t leak. I have a friend who had to cut maxi pads in half to soak up the leakage!

How udderly annoying that must have been for her.

Hahahahahahaha!

I rule!

Anyleakyboobs, it’s my second go round with the breastfeeding and I dare say, my tits are nicer than yours have never looked better.

RIGHT?

HUH?

And I never thought I wanted huge boobies before but they get me things.

Stock boys at the grocery store ask my tits if there’s anything they can help with.  Men offer me and my cans their places in line.  My rack even gets invited to parties!

It’s true!

But since I didn’t get the dreaded bologna nipples, I have developed a new biggest fear. When I’m done breastfeeding, are they gonna turn into some sad and sorry old flap jacks?

THE HORROR!

And so now I’m considering breast feeding forever, but I won’t breastfeed my baby for that long because if you ask me, once the kid can ask for it and unbutton your shirt, it’s time to say noooooo and so I’m going to go all Salma Hayek, y’all, and help out some little kid in a third world country who needs milk because giving up these bad girls

Boobs!

would be tragic.

Now, who wants a motorboat?

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38 comments

  1. Bruce Wayne

    The term bologna nipples is ridiculous…there is nothing more sensual than large beautiful areolae….simply breathtaking no matter the size of the breasts. Puffy nipples (small and large) and big areolae are the two most beautiful compliments breasts of any shape, size and firmness. A woman with a big round ass, nice accentuated hips, little feet, large areolae and a pretty face is the picture of sensuality. Note to ladies: Why in the world would you want boy nipples??? Same logic as wanting a flat ass and no hips. Nipples of all types are beautiful but those big luscious nipples and areolae really get most guys engines roaring….. Believe it.

  2. Nice tits Crissy, and I’m not just pandering, I’d motorboat them if given the opportunity, and by opportunity, I mean the next time I see you I’m going to look hungry and cry.

    BRPRRPRPRPRPPRPRPRRPPRPRPPR MNUM MNUM MNUM BPRPRPRPRPRPPRPRPR

    ;-D

    So, would you follow Selma’s lead if you were in an orphanage? Would you feel you have betrayed your youngest?

    @linda – best use of PornoIzed in a blog comment. ;-D Links to your Flckr account please.

  3. Linda

    hahahahahahhahahah! Every time I read something you write I end curled up in the fetal position laughing my sweet shit off. Of lord. I can totally relate to this post too. I’m a new mom and my boobs went from average B to pornoized beautiful play/feeding things. I please the baby and my husband at the same time. Aren’t we such amazing creatures:)

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