A few weeks ago, my sexual fairy godparents here at Toy With Me were all, “Sex swing?” and I was like, “SEX SWING.” I was tickled pink that adultsextoys.com was kind enough to send me one! Here are the lessons I’ve learned.
Lesson #1: Sex swings are really fucking heavy
I showed up at the post office with my little package slip and my ID and was all, “Hi, I’m here to pick up my package” and the chick behind the desk was like, “You won’t be able to carry this alone” and I’m all, “Psh, try me.” So she raises her eyebrow and hauls the box out and she’s totally right because I can’t carry it even a little bit and I’m like, “Okay, you win, I’ll come back later with someone else.”
As soon as I got home, I called him. “You need to come and help me,” I told him.
“Help you with what?”
“Help me pick up our $400 sex swing from the post office and get it back to my house and then back to your house because it’s so heavy and I tried but I can’t do it alone.”
(I mean, that’s in the fine print, right? The clause that if one is going to be allowed to fuck one’s girl in a sex swing, one is obligated to take charge of all heavy lifting and assembly.)
(I know, I’m such a good feminist. Lipstick and ass slaps for me.)
So, a few days later we headed down to the post office together to pick it up. I carried the small box with the swing in it, and he carried the big huge enormous ridiculous box with the free-standing sex swing stand in it. Both were packaged in non-conspicuous brown boxes but man, we definitely felt like total sexual rockstars on the walk back to my apartment and kept being all, “Oh hey, do you maybe want to have sex in a swing later? BECAUSE WE HAVE ONE.” Pure giddiness. After we got the boxes back to my apartment, we then had to get them to his apartment because he lives alone and I don’t and I’m pretty sure my roommate is all set on having a giant sex swing just hanging out in front of our fireplace.
Lesson #2: Opening the sex swing boxes is the funnest thing ever. But that’s only because you haven’t used the actual swing yet.
Tear open all boxes. Stare at the photos on the front of said boxes and wonder how to contort our bodies into all of those positions. Yell about which positions we most want to try. Stretch. Empty the contents of both boxes all over the floor. Stare at the pile of metal poles and the little bag full of tools and screws and bolts. Read the directions, which look like they came from IKEA, and tell him that if it weren’t for him I would have given up already. See that the box claims that assembling the stand takes less than ten minutes. Acknowledge that ten minutes for regular people = eleventy million minutes for me because I can’t even open jars. Make puppy dog eyes at him to set it up while I sit and drink wine and “observe for research purposes.” Watch as he really does get the thing set up. Laugh hysterically at how we have an adult playground jungle gym thing in the middle of the apartment. Hang from it to make sure it can hold our weight (it can). Attach the bright purple sex swing and see if that can hold our weight too (it can). Stand back and marvel at the wonder of my life since I started writing for Toy With Me. Stretch more. Sit in the swing with our clothes on. Literally swing back and forth. Realize that this is probably the coolest thing ever in the history of things. Collect all packaging materials so he can walk them down to the dumpster. Play with the swing the entire time he’s gone. Realize that he’s been gone for an inordinately long time. Start to wonder what happened.
Lesson #3: People who have sex in a swing care about the environment
When he finally walked back in, he said, “I didn’t know what to do!” And I was all, “What?” and he was all, “I mean, I didn’t want to put the box in the regular trash because it should definitely be recycled, but I didn’t want to leave the box out with the other recycling stuff because there are kids in this building! And what if a kid is taking the trash out with his parents tomorrow and sees the giant photos of people having sex in a swing that’s similar to what he uses at recess and is scarred for life??”
I stared at him. He continued.
“So, I stood there and I debated being environmentally friendly versus being kid friendly, but then I realized that alternatively, it might be an adult couple that sees it instead of a kid and it could encourage them to expand their sexual repertoire.”
“And so you left it with the recycling?”
“And so I left it with the recycling.”
“Excellent. Now let’s do this.”
And then we did.
Lesson #4: I never need to go to the gym ever again
No seriously, this is some borderline acrobatic shit. If you’re the person on the bottom of the swing, you’re using all new muscles to hold yourself in place. If you’re the person on top of the person in the swing, you’re grabbing onto the stand and hoisting yourself around and it’s basically all just an experience at the intersection of cardio and orgasm. My preference: being on top. The status of my arms because of this preference: sore. The status of my vagina because of this preference: happy.
Lesson #5: Stirrups aren’t just for the gyno’s office
The thing about sex in stirrups is that it’s fantastic. The thing about oral sex in stirrups is that it’s even more fantastic. In fact, I wonder how hard it would be to just install stirrups above my bed. You know, I bet I could find someone on Craigslist to do this for me for a reasonable price. Not that I look stuff like this up on Craigslist. Stop it! I don’t. I don’t!
Lesson #6: I appreciate the hell out of regular sex
At first, I worried that trying sex in a swing would make regular, toy-free sex seem blah. Wrong. So wrong. I had a blast using the swing, and I’ll definitely be anxious to use it again, but switching back to good old fashioned sex-in-a-bed was great in that I just kept thinking, “THIS IS SO EASY.”
Which is to say, variety is good. Sex swings are good. But, trying something new can also make you appreciate what you already have. Yes, that’s more of a general life lesson than a sex lesson. Yes, the sex swing has made me that much wiser. I know right?! You’re welcome.