Six Things I Learned From My Sex Swing

A few weeks ago, my sexual fairy godparents here at Toy With Me were all, “Sex swing?” and I was like, “SEX SWING.” I was tickled pink that adultsextoys.com was kind enough to send me one! Here are the lessons I’ve learned.

Lesson #1: Sex swings are really fucking heavy

I showed up at the post office with my little package slip and my ID and was all, “Hi, I’m here to pick up my package” and the chick behind the desk was like, “You won’t be able to carry this alone” and I’m all, “Psh, try me.” So she raises her eyebrow and hauls the box out and she’s totally right because I can’t carry it even a little bit and I’m like, “Okay, you win, I’ll come back later with someone else.”

As soon as I got home, I called him. “You need to come and help me,” I told him.

“Help you with what?”

“Help me pick up our $400 sex swing from the post office and get it back to my house and then back to your house because it’s so heavy and I tried but I can’t do it alone.”

He agreed.

(I mean, that’s in the fine print, right? The clause that if one is going to be allowed to fuck one’s girl in a sex swing, one is obligated to take charge of all heavy lifting and assembly.)

(I know, I’m such a good feminist. Lipstick and ass slaps for me.)

So, a few days later we headed down to the post office together to pick it up. I carried the small box with the swing in it, and he carried the big huge enormous ridiculous box with the free-standing sex swing stand in it. Both were packaged in non-conspicuous brown boxes but man, we definitely felt like total sexual rockstars on the walk back to my apartment and kept being all, “Oh hey, do you maybe want to have sex in a swing later? BECAUSE WE HAVE ONE.” Pure giddiness. After we got the boxes back to my apartment, we then had to get them to his apartment because he lives alone and I don’t and I’m pretty sure my roommate is all set on having a giant sex swing just hanging out in front of our fireplace.

Lesson #2: Opening the sex swing boxes is the funnest thing ever. But that’s only because you haven’t used the actual swing yet.

After we got back to his apartment, the rest of the process went something like this:

Tear open all boxes. Stare at the photos on the front of said boxes and wonder how to contort our bodies into all of those positions. Yell about which positions we most want to try. Stretch. Empty the contents of both boxes all over the floor. Stare at the pile of metal poles and the little bag full of tools and screws and bolts. Read the directions, which look like they came from IKEA, and tell him that if it weren’t for him I would have given up already. See that the box claims that assembling the stand takes less than ten minutes. Acknowledge that ten minutes for regular people = eleventy million minutes for me because I can’t even open jars. Make puppy dog eyes at him to set it up while I sit and drink wine and “observe for research purposes.” Watch as he really does get the thing set up. Laugh hysterically at how we have an adult playground jungle gym thing in the middle of the apartment. Hang from it to make sure it can hold our weight (it can). Attach the bright purple sex swing and see if that can hold our weight too (it can). Stand back and marvel at the wonder of my life since I started writing for Toy With Me. Stretch more. Sit in the swing with our clothes on. Literally swing back and forth. Realize that this is probably the coolest thing ever in the history of things. Collect all packaging materials so he can walk them down to the dumpster. Play with the swing the entire time he’s gone. Realize that he’s been gone for an inordinately long time. Start to wonder what happened.

 

Lesson #3: People who have sex in a swing care about the environment

When he finally walked back in, he said, “I didn’t know what to do!” And I was all, “What?” and he was all, “I mean, I didn’t want to put the box in the regular trash because it should definitely be recycled, but I didn’t want to leave the box out with the other recycling stuff because there are kids in this building! And what if a kid is taking the trash out with his parents tomorrow and sees the giant photos of people having sex in a swing that’s similar to what he uses at recess and is scarred for life??”

I stared at him. He continued.

“So, I stood there and I debated being environmentally friendly versus being kid friendly, but then I realized that alternatively, it might be an adult couple that sees it instead of a kid and it could encourage them to expand their sexual repertoire.”

“And so you left it with the recycling?”

“And so I left it with the recycling.”

“Excellent. Now let’s do this.”

And then we did.

Lesson #4: I never need to go to the gym ever again
No seriously, this is some borderline acrobatic shit. If you’re the person on the bottom of the swing, you’re using all new muscles to hold yourself in place. If you’re the person on top of the person in the swing, you’re grabbing onto the stand and hoisting yourself around and it’s basically all just an experience at the intersection of cardio and orgasm. My preference: being on top. The status of my arms because of this preference: sore. The status of my vagina because of this preference: happy.

Lesson #5: Stirrups aren’t just for the gyno’s office
The thing about sex in stirrups is that it’s fantastic. The thing about oral sex in stirrups is that it’s even more fantastic. In fact, I wonder how hard it would be to just install stirrups above my bed. You know, I bet I could find someone on Craigslist to do this for me for a reasonable price. Not that I look stuff like this up on Craigslist. Stop it! I don’t. I don’t!

Lesson #6: I appreciate the hell out of regular sex
At first, I worried that trying sex in a swing would make regular, toy-free sex seem blah. Wrong. So wrong. I had a blast using the swing, and I’ll definitely be anxious to use it again, but switching back to good old fashioned sex-in-a-bed was great in that I just kept thinking, “THIS IS SO EASY.”

Which is to say, variety is good. Sex swings are good. But, trying something new can also make you appreciate what you already have. Yes, that’s more of a general life lesson than a sex lesson. Yes, the sex swing has made me that much wiser. I know right?! You’re welcome.

Nicole Antoinette About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. i just bought one for myself and fiance w/o the stand. ours is bolted to the ceiling i would say to anyone have or get an extra clamp and another longer chain sized all from home depo. the exp was fun i must say just the thought of trying something new as a cpl is wonderful. p.s. also got a stripper pole ” dance pole ” which she really loves.

  2. Bwahahaha! Now I know what to expect when I get mine in the mail.

  3. good call with the box. ; ) this looks like a blast!

  4. I am completely in love with this blog!

    And my sex life is so insanely boring that I am going to live vicariously through you especially with this sex swing! LOL

    I can't even begin to imagine how awesome a swing would be!

  5. mepsipax says:

    I have been away too long. You have other writers now? Ossim (like awesome only better).

  6. You know sex swings have been around forever.http://www.thpcollections.com/furniture/rattan_sw
    Our parents were just better at making it look like everyday furniture.

    • If I were to get one, it definitely needs to be one of those 'looks like regular furniture' types.

      Speaking of that generation… the Joy of Sex mentions something called a 'grope suit' I don't even know what that is.

  7. LOL great story. I think I'd probably have to move and get an extra bed room just for the sex swing.

  8. now I totally want a sex swing

  9. I need a new job. When you teach ninth grade English, NOBODY sends you a sex swing.

    GAH.

  10. I love that you wrote:
    "Laugh hysterically at how we have an adult playground jungle gym thing in the middle of the apartment."
    Because you read my mind! Before I even read #2, I looked at the picture and laughed hysterically at how you have a huge swing that looks like it takes up the whole living space!
    Looks like lots of fun though!

    • Oh forgot to add that because of the size it's definitally a guest room toy! Guest can just…

      umm…

      hmm.. what should we do with those guests?

  11. Thinking this would be a perfect addition to the mancave.

    Does it come with a hammock attachment? I am sure the husband won’t argue! ;)

    • great point mel–with the stand, it can actually be used for lots of different stuff.

      hanging papasan chair

      punching bag

      bondage hoist

      etc

  12. Pursuit Blog says:

    Haha you always make me laugh, but I have to ask… is he going to leave it in the middle of the living room? :-

  13. And what if you're less than coordinated? Can you promise that slightly clumsy people won't get caught and somehow strangle themselves?

    Also, whenever i put something together, there's always a few leftover nuts and bolts. This is why most of my stuff is crooked, and why I'm not sure I trust myself to install a sex swing…

  14. Have I mentioned how much I adore you? "Lipstick and ass slaps" for you. ;)

  15. Sex in a swing? Yes, please. Now I want one! Although the male involved better be really awesome at directions because I tend to not read them. Ever. And then when it falls apart, I wonder why.

    • Hey maybe you can hire an "installer" to put it together!

      • Evil Sheep says:

        Heh, I'm a handyman by trade. Haven't had to put a sex swing together yet, but I have installed several stripper poles. Waiting for the call on the swing, I'd jump on that job (figuratively, of course).

  16. Wow. That sounds like a bunch of fun. Worth considering.

    Was there anything about the swing that you found you unexpectedly liked or disliked?

    • Hmmm, I liked all the choices of where to grab/hold on. I didn't like the parts of my body that were sore afterward. But, maybe that just means I need to work out more. Or swing more. Or, well, I don't know.

  17. i see from the pic that there is a spring providing support. did you find it allowed you to bounce on the swing?

  18. the swing ( and the fun of getting and putting together!) sounds amazing!! I want one!!

  19. I am hoping to get one of these after I move. I suppose I could put it in my living room here..but my house is probably smaller than that apartment and my kids would think it was a toy for them! Is it on their site ? I couldn't find it !

  20. Sex swings. Good! Bed sex. Good. Kitchen floor sex. Good. Sex. Good. Yep, all good. Glad you enjoyed!!!