Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Fellatio

When Toy with Me told me they were sending me Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex, Part 2: Fellatio blow job instructional video, I was all “YES PLEASE!” because I’m not a very big fan of performing this particular sexual act and I figured that maybe if I knew how to give a right and proper blow job I might be more enthusiastic about it.

Hell, I thought–I might even enjoy it.

Since we’re being totally honest here, I must confess I’d much rather take it in the pooper than give a blow job.

I considered the possibility that perhaps my dislike is because I’m doing it wrong. It always takes so damn long and my jaw locks up and I gag and drool and I start getting annoyed because you-know-who hasn’t landed the plane already, and clearly he’s doing it just to torture me…

or maybe I just suck at blowing.

The video arrived in the mail in its very discreet package and it sat on my dresser for a while because I had a question, Toy with Mes.

Do I watch the video by myself first and sort of take notes and/or practice on a squash or something, or do I watch it whilst practicing on the real deal and learn in situ?

There’s something to be said for option number one because it preserves the mystique a little bit.  I could conceivably go from Hum-Drum Hummer-er to Blow Job Maven all of a sudden and my husband would never have to know I had boned up (hahahahahaha! No pun intended! Yes it was.) on my skills.

Sadly though, since I have the two little kiddos who most certainly do not need to see a lady kissing a man’s penis, I had to opt for the in situ instruction, and it had to be done after the little ones went to sleep.  I put the DVD in the player, did a few jaw loosening exercises (you don’t want to cramp up), pressed play, and put on my sexyblowjobface.

I was ready to learn.

And my husband sat on the bed squealing and clapping his hands like a little girl.

The video begins with an introduction to Tristan Taormino herself.   Throughout the video, Tristan addresses a group of women in a sort of question and answer format.

The first order of business is an anatomy lesson which at first made me roll my eyes because HI!  I know what a penis is, but I actually did learn that the most sensitive parts on a guy are the head of the penis (duh!) the frenulum (that little triangular notch between the head and the shaft on the bottom side of the penis), and the perineum (aka the assneck / taint / gooch).  So the majority of the penis–the shaft itself–isn’t very sensitive at all.

After the anatomy lesson, they bring in the porn stars to demonstrate the four basic phases of a blow job:

1) The warm-up where you tease the penis.  Let’s just say I will never again lick an ice cream cone without remembering this video.

2) The experiment phase is where you sort of try to figure out what works for him.  Try new stuff.  Mix it up.

3) The rhythm phase is the actual blow job where you find a rhythm and stay with it and guess what?  Using your hands is not cheating! Yay! Because my jaw gets tired.

4) The orgasm phase is, well, you know… but what I liked about this part of the video is that Tristan actually says right out that it’s okay if you don’t like to swallow and that you should work out where the cum is going to go before it goes. The porn actress actually admitted that she doesn’t like to swallow either.  She does take it in the mouth but then spits.  The fact that even porn stars aren’t that into it made me feel better.

The Extras section of the video addresses special concerns like deep throating, prostate stimulation, how to deal with an uncircumcised penis, and safer sex.  The part about deep throating did a great job of explaining tips and tricks without making me feel lame because I have trouble doing it. That part gave me some good ideas I still want to test out.

There are also three more instructional/example sections meant to demonstrate different blow job styles, like slow and sultry or hot and heavy or rough and sloppy.  You can watch those with or without Tristan’s narrative instruction so it turns right into porn if you want.  If you get tired of hearing her in the background you could turn it off and just copy what’s happening on the screen if that’s your thing.

If you’re the type of couple that historically DOESN’T include porn in the bedroom, this video could be a great way to introduce it under the guise of “education.”  Unlike nearly all the “mainstream” porno, this one includes the GUY as a point of focus and interest, instead of just being a stunt cock positioned mostly off-frame. I liked that, and I’m sure other women feel the same way. You could really tell the guys were enjoying themselves.

In all, this was a really good video.  The language was not clinical at all, and while explicit, still managed to avoid sounding trashy.  Tristan’s instruction was clear, concise and confidence building.   Her interaction with her “class,” as well as her conversations with the porn stars, seemed genuine and unforced.

We give it two thumbs up.

Especially my husband who has been walking around with a big ol’ smile on his face lately.  I guess I did learn something… Thanks Tristan!

Treat yourself to your very own copy of Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex at Babeland

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

    Fascinated by the pic's :P

  2. catherine says:

    I love Tristan! I have her books, some of her experts guide to videos, I have attended a few of her workshops. I am a self proclaimed Tristan groupie. I recommend her to everyone. I am glad to see the Toy With Me love for Tristan.

  3. Tyler D. says:

    *** golf clap ***

  4. Any type of porn that doesn't involve ugly dudes…I'm in. Especially if it's educational. I love learning. ..Especially about BLOW JOBS

  5. i approve of this post.

    your work on suppressing your gag reflex is coming along nicely, i might add. i appreciate the efforts!

  6. As another option, I'd suggest The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio: How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mindblowing Pleasure by Violet Blue. When my husband and I first got together, he made it clear (as nicely as he possibly could) that my oral skills were significantly lacking. Needless to say, I put to use the fact that we were in a long-distance relationship and made an in-depth study of this book. The next time I saw him I flew in for his birthday… He actually said that if he hadn't known better, he would have thought I'd been practicing. (Yeah, right.) There were some bloody brilliant tips for those of us with easily stimulated gag reflexes, a dislike for salty fluids, and a fear of permanently injuring precious organs through complete ignorance. I've actually started to enjoy the act, simply because HE enjoys it so much.

    (Oh… and the vignettes included with each of the chapters? Holy balls… Hot stuff… *Fans stuff*)

  7. So does this mean that Mr. Crissy no longer gets access to your pooper?

    • we actually discussed that this very morning.

      we came to the conclusion that both of us enjoy the booty too much to close that chapter completely.

      of course a little variety is a good thing, in the end. doesn't matter which.

  8. I've enjoyed all of Tristan's guides. This particular one is very good, and of course her guide to cunnilingus is good too.

  9. Shortblock69 says:

    Well I have to say your blog on this subject is truly entertaining, educational, HILARIOUS, & very addictive….Yep..I'm hooked! Love'em all! Keep'em coming, can't wait to read more blogs from you. Such a relief to know someone thinks JUST LIKE ME. And as for me, well it was good ole' Cosmo mag that taught me all my tricks of the "BJ" trade. And they work like charm. Open ur lips frm time to time w/ tongue on his penis only..Inhale..exhale. The hot, cold sensation has them tapping out in NO TIME! ;)

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