Can I ask you something, Toy with Mes?
How common is it to have a one night stand?
I ask because I’ve never actually had one in the traditional sense where you 1) go out to a bar, 2) pick up a guy, 3) fuck him, and then 4) never see him again.
Never.
Of course, I’m speaking about the past here, because I’m an old married lady now, but even in my wild, swingin’ single days before I met my pimp, I just didn’t have what I call “casual sex” because I have never been able to separate sex and love. I’m not the kind of lady who wakes up and says “Damn, I need to get me some. My vagina is HONGRY! I’m hittin’ the bars tonight, honey!”
Oh my god, I would never (clutches her pearls, gasps in horror at the thought)!
You must know it’s not that I’m a big ol’ Prudence McPrude or anything like that–this is Crissy you’re talking to here, don’t forget. I’m not judging all-a-y’all who have no trouble goin’ out and gettin’ some. The fact is, I’ve never been able to do it. I guess I need to feel like there’s some sort of future in the relationship before I give up the punani.
I have had sex on the first date, but that’s because I really liked the boy and I wanted him to love me. That’s how you get boys to love you, right? Give them Sexy Time right away on the first date?
What, and it’s not?
Well that’s what I thought when I was just a young little dating Crissy and of course, it almost always blew up in my face (ha!) when the guy either 1) never called me again, or 2) I’d wind up being a booty call (back in the days before we had a cute name for it) which of course I mistook as a sign that the boy really liked me since he kept calling. I guess I was kinda like a “one night stand” in the first case, but the difference is that I didn’t intend to be. I didn’t set off with that destination in mind, nor did I start off the night single. I thought I had a boyfriend.
I’m embarrassed at how naive I was in my young dating years. If I’d had a clue, it would have saved me a lot of pain and confusion and my Asshole Guy Detector would have been a little better at detecting creeps instead of falsely leading me to believe that I had just met My One True Soul Mate.
Stupid broken useless detector. Now that I’m married, I can spot an Asshole Guy from miles away.
And what’s with booty calls anyway? How can you repeatedly be fucking someone and not have feelings for them? How can you not develop feelings for them? Even if you didn’t start off emotionally attached, it seems to me that it’s human nature to start drifting that way. Is that why these booty calls sometimes end badly? When I was unknowingly a “callee” I sure as hell had feelings for my gentleman friends. They just didn’t give a rat’s ass about me or my poor little tender Crissy heart.
The fuckbuddy, in my mind, is another term for the booty call. Both entail an on-demand, mutually agreed-upon, no strings attached (aka “NSA,” as my research has revealed) physical relationship. No dates, no cuddling, no drama–get in, get out, see you later. Unlike the one night stand, a repeat encounter is likely, at least as long as everyone gets their jollies and is pleased with the performance. (BTW, the term “one night stand” was originally used in the context of a theatrical production that was only to be performed a single time.)
Some of my friends (admittedly all guys) are frequent, unabashed partakers of prostitutes and I gotta tell you: I have trouble wrapping my head around that too. It’s such an intimate act, and they sort of equate it to a visit to the dentist. Or the plumber, to “clean out the pipes.” From what I pick up, in their worlds, sex is just a physical need and once it’s satisfied, that’s the end of it. All visceral. All bodily. Neither mental nor spiritual nor emotional.
I have nothing against prostitutes; I believe that criminalizing prostitution is a mistake. I mean, it’s just a series of one night stands/booty calls but you end up with a fat roll of twenties. That’s actually pretty cool, and at least your heart doesn’t get broken in the process. The terms are pretty clear up front. I can see how THEY can detach and not develop romantic feelings–they’re pros. This is work. Gotta pay the bills, you know how it is.
But the Johns?
What about if they’ve developed a penchant for a particular prostitute (Hello! Pretty Woman!)? I’m sure that not all Ladies of the Evening are created equal, so what happens if they’re sporting a massive boner and it’s their favorite girl’s night off? Will they be disappointed? Will they pick a different prostitute? Will they fly solo for the night? Are prostitute visitors loyal customers?
Is it like how chicks are with their hairdressers?
Loyalty and jealousy must be factors in the booty call too. Say you’re some kind of player, with the cell phone contact list chock full of potential and willing candidates. You undoubtedly have favorites there, too. Some fucks are ALWAYS gonna be hotter than others, right? If your #1 is busy, perhaps with another fuck buddy, do you feel jealous? So then you end up calling #2 on the list. Is that like cheating on #1? Do you tell #1, in the hopes of making THEM jealous? Do booty callers and callees EVER get jealous, or is that verboten in the rulebook?
Finally there’s the “Friend With Benefits.” Is this person REALLY a friend? Like, you see them and you DON’T have your hands in their pants within 30 seconds, and you chat on the phone, and you know each other? Is it just another term for a booty call/fuckbuddy, or are there subtle differences?
I know you savvy Toy with Mes can help me understand the ins and outs of casual sex. So, go! Educate Crissy in the space provided below.
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, I will admit that I thought I could easily get emotional with sex. However, I have found a new awakening in me. I have a couple of fuck buddies/booty callers that I reach out to. The trick is to find someone who you would never in a million years see a future with. Someone who you know you could NOT spend the rest of your life with. This is just something that is satisfying a need, or innermost desire. I have found that I can act out my fantasies easier (and dirty feeling-free) with my booty callers than with someone I really like. I feel as though I can speak more openly about my sexual desires with them than I can with anyone that I have an emotional attachment to because of the "what will they think of me if I tell them what I REALLY want them to do to me" syndrome. I guess it is kind of something that is just tiding me over until I find "the one." After all, girls need ta get some too! Casual sex can be a lot of fun, you just have to go in to it (pardon the pun) leaving emotion at the front door and not in the bedroom. It is something where you have to know what you want out of it ahead of time, otherwise the emotion will creep up on you.
I'm in full agreement with dbell224.
I can't imagine having a fuckbuddy or friend with benefits that I felt emotionally tied to IN A ROMANTIC WAY. If you care for them as a good friend, then that's all good. Otherwise, you're sure not doing yourself any favours. I think that if you really liked your fuckbuddy and kept hooking up, well that's just self-destructive.
Admittedly I've had many a fuckbuddy, friends with benefits and one nighters. And you know what, I've had great relationships with all of them (if only for a few hours! lol).
It's a wonderful way to feel good about yourself and feed your physical desires. For me, I've found that I feel so much sexier than if I were just going solo, waiting for the next Mr or Ms Right to come along.
Keep those emotions out of there and enjoy yourself, girls!
Thank you dbell224! You get yours!
No one night stands either….. I guess thats why toys are so popular. With diseases nowadays, one can never be safe enough
You too? Well, that makes two of us, then.
I've got me a friend with bennies situation. I think. We started out on a few dates and ended up in bed together pretty quickly and it was AWESOME. For the past 10 months now we seem to be keeping up the pretense that we are dating (although not exclusively – as if this didn't make it even more obvious). But we get it on every time we see each other. We never spend the night at the other's house. We almost never go out anymore. And we only see each other every couple weeks. We do, though text and actually sit around and talk with one another on our "dates". So it's a little more than fucking, but it's not a relationship either. That's why I see it as a friend with bennies. Can I imagine spending my life with him? Sometimes. Sometimes not. So there's a little emotion there on my part and I don't like that. At all. For now I can handle this, though. I'm recently divorced (actually it will be final friday) and I don't need a relationship right now, but a fuck me friend is right up my alley even if we are pretending to date.
You go with your bad self, KT! Enjoy that man in the moment.
As a recently separated woman, I SOOOO hear you on this!!
Sorry about your divorce, KT. Congrats on the "friend" though!
I have had 3 casual partners in my lifetime For the most part I was married and faithful. the three casual ones were all spur of the moment activities. I guess I have a FWB now, though I clearly fell in love with her first. she with me about a week later. If you can never have a commitment are you just in love with your fuck buddy? ILWFB?
No I cant separate love and sex…..I need to hear "I love you"…..I make her say it sometimes, then I feel bad for doing it almost instantly. It excites me very much to hear those words while deep in passion. I wish it came to her naturally like it does me.
Other than those 3 spontaneous joinings, If you want to call it that. I have reserved sex for love. None of them were getting polished up and going to the bar, or premeditated in any way.
I had a "boyfriend" (I was really his unwitting booty call) who wanted me to say "I love you" during sex. Stupid ass me said it because I meant it, he just wanted to hear it because it turned him on. I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME, MIKE!
Thats terrible. My mother told me my whole life, growing up to never say those words unless it was true. I never have. I dont really think it excites me in a sexual way as much as the emotional reinforcement that it brings. I think at that point it allows me to be freer in my sexuality.
Thats just plain sick to do to someone, if its not true.
Ha! I just read this again. Pretty damn obvious I cant separate love and sex. I have them completely intertwined.
Well now, the 3 are very different to me, it appears I can't do any of them! Booty calls are when you're just plain lazy. Maybe you went out on a date, maybe you didn't. Maybe you met through mutual friends. I'm prone to get jealous if there's someone else who's getting it more than I am. Fuck buddies are dates gone wrong. For one reason or another you don't mesh, but the chemistry is still there…so why not? You talk on the phone, keep somewhat up to date with each other, but the only time you're seeing each other is when you're naked. I did this on accident…it wasn't fun for me because I thought we were doing something else (y'know, actually dating!) FWBennies are amazing! Here's someone you care about, you can actually talk to, hang out with, do things that don't require nakedness. You know and love the actual person! But in this case…the guy gets hung up. The only time I tried HE told ME we should be exclusive FWB…ummm, that's in a relationship!
And that, right there, is my entire sexual history…I've only been with 3 men, and they're each their own story!
Ok so I know about NSA's I'm the king of them. Not to be a dick here but you're asking and so I thought I would share the insight. Yes. Men compartmentalize most everything. Sex included. It comes in a nice package that we take off the shelf, open up, play with, then put back to get to whatever it is we need doing. Like the pretense of working out for the sake of "making ourselves feel better?" (lies.) So its simple in terms of rules.
You never do it with some you like. In fact you have to have physical attraction but not a mental one. In fact the less you like them the more you will tell them the truth about what you REALLY want to them to do. This is where the closet freaks get the spotlight put right on em. Cos if their down with it? You've just put a place marker of "completely whacked out shit you've done" and can never play the drinking game "I never" without lying through your teeth.
As well, size and shape don't matter. Let me tell you again. Size and shape don't matter. It's physical release you're looking for. And if she happens to look like a plucked chicken and your pushing her head down and ramming away like a billy goat possessed for territory? Trust me on this…what she looks like is the last thing you're concerned with. Just the fact that your getting off.
There are time limits to NSA's. Like a self-life of a perishables. You can't do it all the time. And everytime you call you gotta be nice and charming. And when it's game time? You don't need to take the blue pill. In fact if you orgasm more than once it simply is a misleading guise that informs the NSA "she does it for you." And so you keep up and keep on till you got no more gas.
And lastly and most importantly, preset that you have shit to do the next day with pleasant conversation before hand. This sets the stage for the escape or the shove. And I read the post about the morning sex. That is true to a "T". If you want to solidify she'll answer the call again. Keep a small bottle of mouthwash next to bed and swish and go! And the 1st and last things to come out of your mouth in the end is (write this down) "God I love being inside you" OR "I love the way you feel". As well as this (write this down as well) staring into her eyes as your doing job. This is a radar scrambler for emotions and will guarantee repeat performances on her part of "Hey I was just thinking about you…you wanna come over and hang out?" Names aren't important. Just the release.
So there it is…in short sum.
Hope this helps.
Thank god that not all men think this way. I am 100% dude, and let me tell you, nothing could be further from my mind than the way the previous douchebag thinks. Ummmm, not all guys compartmentalize everything. Apparently the world is black and white for this cro-magnon, including the fact that all guys think the way he thinks. Wake up, smell some coffee, crawl out of your cave and look around the world a little bit. You might find there is a vast world out there, vastly more diverse than the narrow crevice through which you look.
If I crawled out of my cave I would be carrying a large stick. And beat you with it and make a necklace out of your teeth.
Because I can.
And honesty sucks don't it? Now why don't you go read Dear John and cry some to get it all out. Menstruating is optional. LMAO.
Cheers!
Oh and we are talking about the art of "Sport Fucking" here? So don't get touchy feely…these women speak their mind. If you wanted soft core porn then subscribe to the skinamax. I'm just letting the nice ladies here know what to look for. So Defender of all that is MAN…can the comedy. My nephews balls are bigger than yours. And we as men do evolve, its just the first part is playing. If you haven't notice these women know that as well? Or is that too large for your brainpan to comprehend? Tosser…
ANormalGuy & debatablemorals – Let's play nice please. Certainly we are all mature enough to express our views without slander and name calling. I would appreciate it.
awww…. ok, I'll put the blade away….
Just one one-nighter in my past.
He was an acquaintance and very, um… YUMMY. And… I wanted to play. (He was also quite a bit older, a bit of a gentleman, and I'm pretty sure I scared him half-to-death. =) It was great fun, neither of us was in a place for it to be anything more than great fun (I was newly single & NOT looking, he was newly single and a bit sad, I think.) I suppose this is a little bit different than the stranger-at-a-bar scenario because this is a guy I knew and respected BEFORE I jumped his.. uh, well, *ahem*. But it's still a great memory & it's not weird when we do run into each other every once in a while. =)
Actually it sounds very sweet. Two people in need of a little love but nothing more and sharing.
what dbell224 said. you have to be attracted to them in some way(s) but have to know there is no future with them. like say you realize they're way to self-abosrbed for anything long-term but you love their touch.
i couldn't do it professionally though. cuz i need at least an attraction or spark of some kind. but rock-on if you can. i'd do just about anything to get out of corporate america.
mostly though i need a full-on emotional/spiritual/physical/cosmic connection.
ps: love how the librarian in you tells us the history behind "one night stand." you are one sexy geek.
I am similar. I cannot separate mind and body. It comes as a package, perhaps that makes me old school but I'm ok with it.
It keeps us out of a lot of trouble, I think.
One-night stands? Ugh, I don't get the appeal. Maybe I just suck at sex (ha! see, it's a pun and a joke!) but the first time with someone isn't ever as good as the next time, or the time after that. There's a level of comfort with the person that makes the sex better. Also, scuzzy, ew. I'd rather spend money on naughty toys or even chocolate than STI checks.
I'm in a three year FWB situation that's working out quite nicely. We fell in love and it crashed and burned…hard; the sex was too good to give up though. Now we meet up once or twice a month and just compartmentalize like hell in between.
I'd skip the ONS for the toys & chocolate too.
That's so true about the first time with someone. It gets better every time, so why go just the once?
does it ALWAYS get better, though? or are there some partners that never graduate to the next level?
I had a One Nighter, once. It was less than amazing. He fell asleep before the deed had been done on my end…if ya know what I'm saying. I had a Friend With Benefits once, too. But only because my (now ex) girlfriend wouldn't put out so I went back to the other side and got busy with a friend I worked with(she knew. She agreed to an open relationship, since she wasn't interested). It was good while it lasted (a couple months). I have to admit that I was hurt when he dumped my ass for another lady we worked with. The good thing is that it was a spring board for me to leave my (essentially) celibate long term relationship.
I forgot to add that the One Nighter called me after the One Night. I couldn't see him anymore and told him so (I was seeing someone who decided he didn't want an open relationship). Then, the One Nighter would come to the restaurant where I waited tables (I don't think he knew I worked there until we bumped into each other) and I would have to wait on him and pretend I had never met him before. Gah! So horrible!
That would be awkward and uncomfortable. Hopefully he's chosen a new place to eat out. (No pun intended)
hahahahahaha!
I've spoken about this sort of thing with the 'older generation' (Baby boomers?) who have spoken about how dating has changed. Back in the day I get the sense that people used to play the field more. Because they didn't have sex so early there was less stigma about spreading the love around. I don't know about 'kids these days' but when I was dating, a single good date and you were considered to be 'going steady'.
I think that the tendency towards fuck buddies, booty calls, polyamory, and whatever else is a reaction to this change in dynamic. You don't always want to get boxed into a specific type of relationship and some people react more strongly against 'societal pressure' than others. Even when first dating my wife I never considered myself as have a 'standard relationship' though from the outside I'm sure it looked that way. There is this imagined ideal of courtship with flowers, dinner and a movie where you get to know each other during defined date periods. The reality is often so much more complicated.
i think part of the fear of commitment comes from a misguided idea that romantic relationships are easy and should just "work," when in reality they are only what you put into them.
as a result we have epic divorce etc, and NO PROOF that anyone is happier than when we had arranged marriages. in fact, some research suggest the exact opposite.
From a guy's perspective, it comes down to your ability to negotiate yourself a hot wife. If you do a bad job then you only have yourself to blame. On the other hand, I'd rather negotiate with a hot woman than with her dad.
thank god my wife asked me out.
dodged that fucking bullet entirely!
I used to have one night stands of the pick 'em and fuck 'em type but obviously now I'm old and sensible so don't do this anymore!! I do however have a fuck buddy that I get on really well with as a friend and who I fancy the pants off (quite literally) but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him!!!
I've never done a one night stand. I've got a couple friends that are occasionally with benefits – they're friends (one is an ex, the others aren't), most of the time we hang out and do…well, friend things. Occasionally we get naked. In all of their cases, they're guys I care about, but don't want to date/spend life together romantically. Sex is as much about comfort and caring and enjoying eachother's company as it is anything else. No strings beyond friendship.
The times I've done something akin to a booty call, it was much less successful. One of them was a threesome with one of the FWBs, the other was the same guy, but not with the friend. Both times, it just didn't do it for me. I need that emotional spark, sense that the person I'm with cares about me in order to actually enjoy the sexings.
Big fan of the fuck and runs. Easy, no mess, no fuss screwing isn't for everyone, but it works for me. Friends joke that I have a man trapped in my body… but honestly, relationships just aren't my cup of tea. But getting mine is!!! If I was to consult my little black book of naughty deeds, over 75% would be one night stands, with a hand full of repeat and a smaller handful of long term relationships. And lets just say there are many entries.
Samantha from Sex in the City would lovvvvve you.
when I was younger, I had my fair share of one night stands. some were totally hot! and totally inappropriate. but that's what was awesome. I could have sex with someone I would never consider a relationship with.
I've grown out of that though. I now need intimacy and connection with my sex. maybe it's called growing up.