Every Sunday on my own blog, I run a column called Go Ask Aunt Becky, and while normally the questions that come in are a mixture of things that are designed to tease me, make me scratch my head or enlist my cadre of smarter friends for help, rarely do I get anything about The Sex. Luckily, this week when asked about The Sex, I was given a question that my sexy co-blogger over here, Dear Redhead, recently answered about female anorgasmia during sex, preventing my already overworked Google Search engine from picking up more viruses.
But it got my small, pea-brain thinking about my unlucky friends who don’t get off during The Sex, because this certainly wasn’t the only time I’d heard about this. According to the Mayo Clinic, a whopping seventy percent of women cannot experience orgasm through intercourse alone. This got the rusty wheels in my head thinking about faking orgasms and why we do it. While I’m going to confess that I am one of those lucky bitches that can successfully get my rocks off while humping, it doesn’t happen every time. Why?
Sometimes I Fake It
Maybe I’m distracted, or maybe the medication I’m on makes it really difficult to achieve orgasm in any instance (many anti-depressants, anti-histamines and blood pressure medications can cause it), maybe I feel fat all of a sudden, maybe I lost that loving feeling because the moon is hitting the wall at a 43 degree angle, or maybe tonight just isn’t my night. It happens. Sometimes I fake it. Usually, I don’t. I’ve been with The Daver long enough to know that he knows when I’m faking it and I don’t see any point in protecting his feelings. It’s me, not him.
Harry Met Sally
That said, I absolutely understand why faking an orgasm would be a necessity in a relationship, especially if initial boning sessions were enhanced by fake orgasms. Who wants to take a step back and say, “Oh and by the way, baby, I’ve never once gotten off by you, but it’s not you, it’s me?” That’s going to hurt, no matter what, because as Sally demonstrated in that deli scene When Harry Met Sally, even the fakest of fake orgasms can be convincing as, well, fuck. There is a lot of ego wrapped up in one’s ability to please their partner and hearing that, for whatever reason, they’ve been faking all along is going to be a tricky conversation.
Women aren’t the only ones who do it, either. Men do it too, although not as easily, of course, since ejaculation accompanies orgasm. But why do we do it? Why not be honest about it from the get go? If it’s not something that we can physically help, why shouldn’t we be up front about it?
OOOOOOOH BABY
Well, for one thing, it’s sort of embarrassing to talk about, especially in a new relationship, especially if it’s a recurring issue. I mean, who wants to be all, “I have a problem getting off, yo.” I have friends who can’t shit in their boyfriend’s bathroom, so mentioning that they can’t have an orgasm through sex alone, well, that’s a challenge. So, I should add to even the playing field here, is a micro penis and dangly ball-bag. For a lot of us, it’s just easier to be all, “OOOOOOOH BABY” and be done with it. But rolling over and having your motor still running while your partner is all endorphined out is kind of craptastic. Eventually, I’d imagine, it would lead to some resentment.
I’ve Counted Ceiling Tiles
Sometimes, though, it’s just to get the job done because really, you need to get going. As for me, I know within thirty seconds if I have the chance of The Big O, and if I don’t, well, there’s no sense in both of us spending the rest of the night trying to achieve something that’s just not going to happen. The crotchal region goes numb and chafes after awhile and sometimes, well, the sex just isn’t that good. I distinctly remember answering my phone once, while I was dating in flagrante delicto (I think that means in the middle of pitiful sex) and then not hanging up because the sex was just that bad. I’ve counted ceiling tiles, mentally redecorated rooms, rewritten my to-do list, gone over the bones in the foot, and had texting been in vogue while I was dating, I probably would have been all about that too.
It’s A White Lie
I’m making myself sound like I either had more bad lovers than you can count, or that I never stopped having The Sex, and I suppose that the answer is somewhere in the middle. We’ve all been there and we’ll all be there at some point and the overwhelming consensus is that faking an orgasm once in awhile is sort of like telling your best friend that she looks sexy as fuck in the new pair of True Religion pants that actually make her ass look like the back end of a tank. It’s a white lie. And it’s one that I can live with. Because at the end of the day, I’d rather hear you say, “I can TOTALLY tell that you lost five pounds” rather than “well, you’re still a fat ass, Becky.” Why? It’s easier on my ego.
Honesty isn’t always the best policy. I can safely tell you this because once, right before I got married, or, should I say, very nearly DIDN’T get married, I jokingly asked The Daver if I was the hottest girl he’d ever dated. Ladies, gentlemen let me warn you, don’t ask this, okay? Just. Don’t. Because if your significant other is Captain Dumbass like mine, they will answer truthfully, “no.” And that will not make you smile. Instead, you will want to lob things at their head and it will hurt your feelings tremendously.
That is how I know that occasional white lies are important parts of relationships and faking an orgasm once in awhile is probably okay. If it’s more than occasionally, though, maybe it’s time to mix stuff up in the bedroom or take some of my sass-a-licious friend Dear Redhead’s advice. And remember, as your Aunt Becky learned the hard way, there ARE stupid questions to ask your spouse. Plenty of them.
So what do you think about the Big O. Fake ‘em? Don’t fake ‘em? Why? Why not? Should we do it to spare the feelings of our partner?
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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh the fake “O”. I like to get off, but what I find with Mr. is that he doesn’t understand that If we are fresh off a fight, I will not get off. Even after the “I’m sorry, I’m a dickhead I didn’t mean to _____ (fill in blank). If I’m still hurt or angry I can’t get off. The entire mental part he doesn’t get. He thinks make up sex is the answer, like “I will dickmatize you into not being angry”.
I’ve often been accused of faking orgasms because I’m so loud–kinda like “when harry met sally” loud. A few times I’ve faked myself into actually HAVING an orgasm. And if the guy I’m with isn’t doing it for me? Hell, I’ll reach down and give him a hand and help us both out because getting off once shouldn’t take forever. *laughs* I like it when a guy gets all loud and “enhances” his orgasm for me–most guys are pretty quiet when they come. I know that the noise is all for my benefit, but the “lil white lie” doesn’t stop it from being sexy, turning me on, and helping me reach the “O” goal.
I believe in equal opportunity O’s, and I do not fake orgasms. Just don’t. Not that I don’t think I can pull it off. (Because nothing is more fun than teasing a significant other in public with a few discreet moans in their ear…I’m sorry, where was I?)
But, I think its because I’m selfish and get jealous if only one person gets to curl their toes. Just isn’t fair.
Maybe I’m just lucky that if an O doesn’t happen during sex The Husband instinctively gets me off afterward…he isn’t the only one that does this, right? If not it might be time for an award for him, don’t you agree? Perhaps an astroglide basket?
First of all, I love you for your use of the term “boning session.”
Secondly, I faked it all the time with my ex-husband. This was due to several factors: we were kids when we got together and I had no idea what an orgasm felt like, so I got into the habit of faking; once I DID know what it felt like, I felt like if it wasn’t happening, that I had to make him think that it did (because it always had before); I was unhappy much of my marriage, and honestly a lot of the time I just wanted him to finish so we could go to sleep. Since the divorce, I’ve never faked it, and never had to. I’m not sure if it’s being more comfortable with myself/partners, or if it’s the all-wonderful sexual peak that happens to women our age, but I can get off pretty easily these days, and I feel very lucky for that.
Guilty! Its not that I don’t get off ever… just not that often when I’m actually having sex. I get off a lot easier on the “outer” clitoral front. It kinda sucks. Just last week I had to do a fakegasm. I really enjoyed the sex, is the thing… and I felt like I was getting close, but I dunno… I just wanted it to end. Maybe I felt a little uncomfortable since I haven’t been dating this guy so long…. I dunno, but yeah I’ve done it… and I don’t feel too bad for it….
Sometimes….sometimes, you have the eager one who is determined to make you scream and he is going to keep pawing you and rutting against you and devouring you until you get there. And sometimes…sometimes you just want him to leave you alone and go to sleep.
It’s just so much easier (and faster) to fake it and let him roll over and fall asleep feeling like a man.
Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen, am I right? It’s no one’s FAULT. I mean, I guess it’s MY fault, but you know, I am a queen and NOTHING is ever my fault.
I’m lucky, I suppose, in that achieving orgasm for me is like achieving drunkenness – reaaaallly doesn’t take much (wine coolers, anyone?)
That being said, I didn’t get off the first two times my guy and I made the two-backed beast, and after a half hour I looked up at him, smiled, said it was lovely but it just wasn’t going to happen. (He was an Eagle Scout, after all, and I didn’t want to take the chance of his leet skillz causing spontaneous firey vaginal combustion from all the chaffing goin on downstairs. )
To this day, I tell him if his Apollo 69 overshot the planet surface, though I freely admit it’s first and foremost out of concern my labia don’t get rubbed off while I’m trying to figure out how to break it to him. And sometimes? When I tackle him in the morning, he has the same issue – we usually shrug and wander off to play katamari damacy together or something.
Faking orgasms seems like cheating on a test – sure, you may get an A, but it sets the bar way higher than it would have been, and subsequent fails are going to be met with a raised eyebrow. There are plenty of ways to keep a guy’s ego healthy without inflating it – I make it a point to tell my guy every day something I love and appreciate about him that isn’t wang-related.
Mel – hint, hint, nudge, nudge
Jennifer June – pawing and rutting – sounds like a puppy trying to hide a bone – hehe
I suck at lying therefore I think I would suck at faking too. Basically I am brutally honest, sometimes to a fault. So if things are just not happening I am going to let you know.
I don’t fake it much since I have been with my husband, but yes it still happens. He is very much the type that won’t get off till I do. Well, things start getting a bit chafed if you go for too long, so I will fake it so he can let himself finish.
I think he knows this though because he typically will go for the oral first (because I can’t fake that one) and then I can’t stop the big O.
(If this posts twice, sorry! I’m having a hell of a time getting it to stick!)
In previous relationships, I faked it. With my husband, I never have. I refuse. We dealt with a two and half year long-distance relationship before finally getting married and moving in together just last month. People always wondered how we handled a long-distance relationship so long, and the answer (unconditionally) has been honesty. We are honest, brutally honest, with one another. Sure, it doesn’t always feel great, but knowing I can trust my husband implicitly is worth having him tell me things I might not like.
This whole brutal honesty in a relationship thing is new and different for me. Even now. Even after having been with him just over two and a half years. And I love it. I won’t give it up. Not for anything. And because of that, I won’t fake an orgasm.
*Clears throat* On top of that, he’s more… experienced… than I am. He would know if I ever bothered to try faking. >.<
How do I let him know I love sex with him anyway? Because he really and truly is the most satisfying sexual partner I've ever had: I let loose. I make noise if I feel like making noise (which is most of the time, because I tend to be a noisy bugger in the sack). If I like how he's doing something, I'll tell him. And more often than not, when we get done I'm stuck with a just-been-fucked grin and what my husband calls "the dumb" (ie- that state where you really can't talk or make sense for a good 10-15 minutes after you've rolled out of bed to go clean up and take a pee).
I’ve never faked it. NEVER. It doesn’t always happen and so what? My husband doesn’t always remember to take the trash out, and I don’t always have an orgasm. Shit happens. We move on.
Unfortunately most of the orgasms in my life have been faked; I didn’t know that it was normal for alot of women not to have them through intercourse alone. I kind of wrote it off as not a huge problem since I didn’t know what I was missing. I only very recently finally told my Husband about it and we pretty much immediately tromped off to the toy store for my first toy ever. Over the past few months I’ve been figuring out what works for me and for both of us; its a sometimes embarassing process for me but I’m working on it.
I’m almost out of my first bottle of lube.
To my knowledge my wife has never faked it. There have been a few times where she has not orgasmed, and she admits it, but I’ve never suspected fakes.
I fake it occasionally, and sometimes I fake it so good, that I actually get myself off on it. So it isnt always for naught. Im pretty dang sure my husband knows Im faking it, but it gets the job done, so hes a happy camper, but I will say this, if I am feeling like I am receiving poor quality, I will definitely speak up, after all, I would only be hurting myself if I said “oh baby, yeah, fuck me like that” if what I was thinking “what the fuck is he doing??”
Oh Aunt Becky, I love Tuesdays.
I totally Tuesdays, too. I live for the comments. They crack me up.
My wife may have faked it but if she has then I’ve never caught her. She has however declared that it wasn’t going to happen and in that case I’ve back off. In other cases she has declared that it isn’t going to happen and I’ve moved south to change her mind. Actually, in most cases the wife doesn’t get off during penetration but I have other weapons at my disposal.
Yep I have faked, mostly for the tired and aren’t you done yet reasons mentioned.
And I have said “what the fuck are you doing?”
These days since I am single I don’t fake it . . . I take care of business myself and it always works.
I have been the more experienced partner in a relationship and did that get boring, everything was a shock to the guy and he never learned anything new.
Not a faker. Have I done it? Yeah, once or twice but usually in that “Oh-my-god-this-is-awful-why-won’t-you-stop-how-will-I-get-this-to-end” situation. While I do have a hard time climaxing these days I still have so much fun during the sex that my partners know it’s cool. I had a blast even if I didn’t get blasted.
I’ve faked a few. DH got a bit tiffy the couple of times I said it just wasn’t going to happen so I stopped saying it. Eventually I whacked him over the head with the 70% stat & it seemed to sink in that it wasn’t his fault, I was just a joiner. Then we got creative. I almost always orgasm now, just not from intercourse itself. I get mine, then he gets his.
I admit to faking some before I got married, but then one day I realized it was pointless. My hubby would do anything on this planet to get me off, so pretending is only hurting me. I think it’s important to get over yourself and ask for what you need, or get in a position that lets your hands do the walking…rubbing.
The worst thing is when you are on meds that either kill your libido, or kill your ability to orgasm. Depending on how important sex is to you (Is it like breathing? Or is it just a holiday?) depends on how critical your libido is.
For me sex is like breathing, so meds that kill it are a spectacular reason to have a fun conversation with my doc. Then I can come home and do some “not talking” with the spouse.
He’s good that way.
Nope, never, waste of sex! If we’re doing it, I’m getting it … if sex doesn’t do it, there’s other means. Mind you, I’m one of the lucky one’s, can get off quite easily .. easy like if the ride home is bumpy, I’m there! And if there’s some difficulty .. IF .. I’m lucky to have had partners that pony up! I’m not greedy, don’t get me wrong, my beavers just eager and that’s allowed.
Great article! I can completely agree with you.
Womens brains are where we get turned on and off and sometimes its just to easy for that brain to get distracted.
Big resounding no from me! Don’t fake it – you’re only doing yourself a disservice. For a start, he will never learn, will he? And dishonesty is never a good idea in a relationship. No, no, no.
For the first few months with Erf, I faked it. Even though we weren’t having The Sex yet. His oral minstrations were fantastic, but he does this thing I like to call ‘camping out’. He hunkers down in one spot after a while and proceeds to try and lick my pearl down to a grain of sand. And when I’m asking if he’s still awake down there (due to lack of sensation) and he’s drooling with a swollen tongue, I know it’s time to call quits.
I used to fake because he insisted he ‘knew what he was doing’ (HA!) and wouldn’t take pointers. So I told him I was faking and he built a bridge to get over his ego and listened.
I still can’t orgasm from The Sex, but I’ll be damned if I don’t see fireworks and hear the Hallelujah Chorus when he gets his takeout south of the border! But I’m sure that having an Astroglide Gift Basket to pamper me with wouldn’t hurt.
I have never faked it and never would. Besides, that is kind of difficult to pull off for a guy. Maybe I am just deceiving myself.
Yes – mepsipax – much harder for men to fake it. If you are off birth control the big splash on your back or boobs (or face) kind of negates the fake.
I admit to faking. Fake or chafe? I totally choose Fake over chafe. Chafe makes you walk weird the next day and probably makes for droopy roast beef labia syndrome.
I dont mind faking (and lying) because I really like when my man gets off, that kinda gets me off too and makes me think all kinds of erotic. I am satisfied sometimes with sex without the O. I am totally weirded out if THEY dont get off. (usually a drunk thing)
In my younger days I faked it every time. EVERY TIME. I didn’t discover clitoral orgasms until my very late 20’s and even then only with a vibrator. This isn’t to say the sex couldn’t feel good and couldn’t feel like something really close to an O….but I was embarassed and too afraid to hurt feelings to admit that I didn’t. It’s a pride issue for many people, you know? both parties, actually. I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t enjoying myself, and I didn’t want to crush sexual egos.
But now with hub I just incorporate the vibrator into our fucking usually.
Here’s something that will twist and blow your mind… A guy who can fake an orgasm. I fall under the wonderful anti-depressant crowd that it can make it annoyingly hard to have an orgasm and after 20 min ya know when its not going to happen. But my moans and groans can push the wife over the edge and turn her into the quivering mass of joy. Granted its not every time and I’ve only done it a couple times and since I’m neutered my ejaculate production is lower than normal anyways.. So its not uncommon for even when I do orgasm to not produce enough liquid for the woman to really know if I came or not. So I’m one those rare guys who has and can fake an orgasm when needed, when I know she’d be chaffed and walking bow legged if i went on till I actually did achieve orgasm or she’s close and I’m far from it.. Also for those who have read my blog and are scratching their head about the neutered comment, long story quick answer IVF can do amazing things and biology 101, it only takes 1 sperm to fertilize a egg.
What is thing you speak of – - this ’s.e.x’ ?
(in all seriousness)
When you’ve been with the same guy for as long as I have – he knows if you’re faking or not. So cut the middle man and just take turns. When I do have one (not from intercourse) there is NOOOO mistaking it in the least. Hubby knows what works for me – and sometimes I just want to ‘please him’ (read: get it over with). And good for me – he returns the favor!
I could never fake it; I’d laugh too hard.
I’m on antidepressants too, so I don’t achieve the O much these days. Why work so hard for something that probably won’t happen anyway? Plus, I can get a lot of list prioritizing done during that time!
WHAA?? Was my reply to risque?
I was just thinking about this the other night….I had an orgasm, almost in my deep sleep! I had never orgasmed on my own before! I know hard to believe but I have issues!
Anyway, when having sex with my boyfirend I almost always orgasm. And really, I think it’s more mental than anything else. I get turned on easily and climax pretty easily, lucky me I guess! I’ve been on anti depressants, blood pressure meds and numerous other meds with warnings about diminishing the sex drive and the possibility of not being able to orgasm and I haven’t run into that at all! I know, I am super lucky! And when I don’t climax, my boyfriend is sweet enough to try again to make me happy, I think that matters more than anything!
I’ll laugh at a lame joke just to acknowledge the effort someone made to try to amuse me or to keep moving the conversation along. I’m really good at validating people’s opinions and… you know, just indulging in a phatic sort of way. But I’ve never been able to fake an orgasm.
First of all, anyone who’s ever been involved in one of my orgasms would know right off if I were faking it, because there are some things I just can’t make happen. And I’m not a very good actress. I’d be all, “OH BABY!” while he’s putting on his socks and saying, “Yeah, save it for the Oscars, OK?”
But I have a couple of other reasons, the main one being that I can get my own self off. I’m just not going to pretend that I can get off without clitoral stimulation. And if a guy is going to get all squeemy about my participation in my orgasm, I’m not going to pretend that we’re a good match in the sack. That’s some information right there.
The other is that if I fake a good time just to get some tedious thing over with, I’ve pretty much guaranteed myself more of the same. That seems like a passive-aggressive recipe for an infinite loop of resentment.
Ilse
Weird how the majority of us talk about the anti bloos drugs that fuck up our orgasms.
But seem to think that our parents who didnt take the anti bloos didnt have sex.
Proud masturbater from age 15. (about a month after losing my virginity and faking how great HORRIBLE it was)
i fake orgasms all the time.
I plead the fifth.
Wait.
Women fake orgasms?
i’m a lot like u…have no trouble reaching the big O with intercourse alone & i can also tell right away if it’s gonna happen or not…sometimes, if i know it just ain’t happening, it’s a lot easier to just fake it & speed up the process ;0)
I haven’t faked an orgasm, but I’ve had partners think I’ve gotten off when I haven’t had the endorphin rush because I get really vocal and I’ll have a lot of the physiological signs of coming. Since I’m having a really good time, I don’t usually correct them…
AnotherRedhead – I love how your man solves problems
Ashley – Doesn’t he know when you go camping you need to take some supplies?
Ilse – Some very good points. Thanks for sharing.
Badass Geek – Huh? What? NO! Ok, maybe. But not all of us.
Ok you big bunch of fakers it’s WINNER TIME!!
Aunt Becky & I were in total agreement on this week’s winner…..
Congrats to – Cohiba!! We loved your post because a) we thought it was sweet thinking of your lady first
and b) we think it took “big balls” to share your story.
So, Cohiba – enjoy your “slick” goody basket from Astroglide!
P.S. please DM or email me your shipping address.
Well what can I say about faking the big O? I’ve done it, many of my friends have done it. But of course we have all used other things to help us achieve the big O. I myself can’t get off on The Sex alone. I’m quite envious of those who can. But I am also one of the “lucky” ones to also be on anti-depressants.
There have been times before and I am sure will happen again that I cannot orgasm for one reason or another..stress, distraction, illness..but I do not fake one for any reason. Men can’t fake one so why should I? Just my opinion.
Crissy, I’m with you. I don’t always have an orgasm, but that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying what’s going on, or that I don’t reach some plateau, but maybe an orgasm just isn’t happening tonight… and that’s fine. If not now, then hell, maybe tomorrow.
“I think it’s important to get over yourself and ask for what you need”
I wish more women thought this way.
Look, ladies… we aren’t mind readers, and orgasms, for us, are mostly mechanical. If we aren’t doing what you need, it’s because we haven’t figured you out yet, so don’t get frustrated, instead say: “Do is like this” or feel free to help out, because that is pretty freakin’ hot, too.
If his fingers, his cock, a toy he is holding is inside me, I can NOT fake an orgasm. I can fake the screaming, but I can not fake the muscle contractions. He would know I was faking if he doesn’t feel the muscles clamp. Yes they are that strong and yes he is that observant. Faking is not an option for me, unless I am playing with myself, but then again, what’s the point to faking a masturbation orgasm. I just have to tell him, I’m not in the mood, but if something he is doing is not working, I just simply tell him. But we’ve been together too long for him not to do the right thing *grins*
These days I only fake when I’ve had enough orgasms myself and he’s still working at getting himself off. I figure I’m just helping him along and sometimes I get off again just thinking about it anyway.
With some guys it’s more a matter of me not saying out loud “are you done yet, because I think I’m starting to bruise here” and hoping they’ll finish quickly.
No. I don’t fake, ever.
Especially early on in a relationship, I think it’s important for my partners to know what does and doesn’t work with me. If they are doing something that isn’t working for me, and I was to fake an orgasm, they’d just think it was super for me and just do it again that way next time. How would my partner learn what I liked if whatever he or she did got an “OH YES” out of me? I don’t get off easily, and I don’t need that made worse by confusing my partner about what does it for me.
Also: you know what’s a great ego-booster? Knowing that you made something happen that isn’t easy, and doesn’t necessarily happen everyday. And that there’s no chance of it having been faked, because your partner doesn’t fake orgasms.
“I think it’s important to get over yourself and ask for what you need.”
I don’t think it’s a matter of “getting over ourselves.” I think a person is pretty “over him/herself” when they come to the realization that a certain “mile marker” won’t be hit today, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t enjoy it, or that their partner should feel badly about not having been “good enough.”
Yes, we can sit and talk and work with our partners to ensure that they don’t blame themselves for us not getting there tonight, but sometimes it’s just a little white lie to make your partner feel better. I would hope that your partner would tell you that you are the most wonderful, intelligent, charming, and delightful human in the world, even if you’re not a member of MENSA. I don’t condone lying in relationships, but I don’t think letting one slide every now and again is an issue of our own egos.
If you’re *ashamed* to ask for what you want, then yes, learn to ask… but sometimes in relationships, you have to make a compromise, and you suck it up… so to speak.
Ooops! Forgot to say – As always: excellent article!!!