When I found out that I was going to get married, I think no one was probably more surprised than me. I just wasn’t the marrying kind. I always figured I’d outback through the Swahili jungle, breastfeeding native children while curing baldness and world hunger, not stand up on the alter in a big white dress saying my vows before God and all my family. It was most discomfiting to say the least. But the man that I was going to marry wanted the big white wedding, so he dragged me up the aisle kicking and screaming where I promised to love, honor and repay him for the rest of his natural life. I haven’t let him forget it since. But I was the sort of bride who had to fake her wedding. Like, when people wanted to talk flower arrangements, I had to put on my big fake bridal voice and pretend to give a shit about them, just so people weren’t all suspect. The marriage, I was good with, the exact arrangement of the bridal party, I could have given a shit about.
I Fake It
I’m in the minority in this, I’m aware, because I’ve caused my friends no end of grief over this. It’s not intentional, I swear, because really, if I could have mustered up any real enthusiasm, I would have done so when I laced up the back of my OWN strapless A-line. I’ve always tried to put on a big fake smile, but it never really works well. Maybe someday I’ll not have to fake a wedding, but then again, someday, I may produce diamonds out of my rectum, too, so I wouldn’t hold my breath. I think the problem with weddings is that you’re essentially going to the same party over and over again. So when you hold your own, it’s being compared to every wedding before it and every wedding after it. So if your food sucks, everyone whines.
He. Orders. The. Pillow. Dinner.
But now and again, people hold weddings that are so outlandish that even Your Aunt Becky cannot possibly find anything to really do but laugh. And in these rare cases, it’s socially acceptable to do so. Recently, a Korean man married a pillow that had been printed with his favorite anime character Fate Testarossa. It’s a life-sized pillow, to be fair, I suppose, rather than the cheap five-dollar ones I spring for from Target, and he apparently is in love with it. I’m not sure how one can be in love with an inanimate object, but the guy actually takes his bride out to amusement parks and even to dinner. Where he orders the pillow it’s own dinner. He. Orders. The. Pillow. Dinner. I mean, I admit, sometimes, I feel stupid ordering all of my children their own dinners, considering often one will often go untouched, but my kids do all have working digestive tracts. Then, apparently, he married the pillow. Perhaps they registered for sheets?
Straddling The Monument
A US woman who had previously been in love with an archery bow married the Eiffel Tower in 2007. This woman married a national monument that lives halfway around the world from where she does and apparently, feels as though they are connected intimately. She went as far as to change her name to Erika La Tour Eiffel to reflect her marital status, and is saddened that because she lives so far away from the love of her life, because, of course the lack of intimacy is forever present in her life. For their first year anniversary, however, she did go and consummate their marriage by straddling the monument. Naked. Sometimes, I don’t even have to write anything to make things awkward and weird because they just are.
At Least She Is Quiet
In 2000, Dave Cat married an actual sex doll. The dude likes it that she’s “quiet.” Which, I mean, after living with me for seven years, I’m sure The Daver could probably be pretty happy living with because I’m willing to bet she doesn’t chase him around singing Rod Stewart songs (probably because, you know, she has NO LEGS). Apparently, they’re in love but the girl is AWFULLY high maintenance for something made of…plastic. You’d think that for something made of injection molding, she’d be cheaper to run than five grand a year, but apparently, all ladies cost money. Even…fake ones.
He Married A Video Game Character
In November of 2009, an especially creepy Japanese man married a video game character from a Nintendo DS game called “Love Plus.” The game is, predictably, a virtual dating game, but the ceremony was really real and held in Guam, where it’s legal to marry inanimate and imaginary objects (now you know. And now I know. Now, I can’t UN-know that.). Let’s back this up so I make sure you get this straight: someone married a video game character. For reals. I think I just died inside typing that. I mean, to each their own, but holy shit, do I need a bath in something very cleansing. Like holy water and bleach or some combination of the two.
This is Going Downhill
A lady named Amy Wolfe married an eighty foot roller coaster named 1001 Nachts in 2009, and has been on the ride, her husband, three-thousand times. She claims to love him “as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever…I was insanely attracted to him sexually and mentally.” She, like the Eiffel tower bride, has intentions of changing her last name to Weber after the ride manufacturer. I’m really not sure how the hell she “knows” this considering she’s in love with a gigantic roller coaster and not a living, breathing person, but what the do I know? Amy says that she carries a bag of spare nuts and bolts from the coaster with her at all times and sleeps with a picture of it above her at night so that she always feels close to it. Which, I have to say, is more than I do with my own husband, who might take issue with me carrying around his spare parts at all times. Probably because it’s wicked creepy.
Suddenly, I’m thinking that all of my friends who have never had to travel with me on my “husband” the roller coaster, or had to listen to me wax poetic about the love of my life “the Eiffel Tower” should really probably start to thank me for my decided lack of interest in weddings. Maybe they should even start sending me honorary gifts just for not being that crazy. Because no matter what I have read on this type of fetish, called “objectum sexual”, this is simply something I just don’t understand. Now, Diet Coke, we have a special bond, but there’s no way that even for the love of my sweet, sweet nectar of the gods, would I put on a stupid white dress and prance up the aisle again. MUCH.