So, last weekend I went to Vegas with 68 other bloggers. Because I’m crazy and because I love Vegas and because I love being crazy in Vegas and therefore I host Bloggers in Sin City every May and other bloggers who are equally interested in crazy Vegas shenanigans are all, “OKAY! ME TOO!”
And so we went.
About a week before heading out, Mr. & Mrs. Toy With Me were all, “We’d like to hook you up with some free sex toys to give away in Vegas” and I was like, “!!!!” and they were all, “Okay, hold on.” And then I waited a little bit and while I waited, “some free sex toys” turned into “$4,500 worth of sex toys” because the sexy bitches over at Babeland and We-Vibe and AdultSexToys.com and Empire Labs are generous and wonderful and clearly care a great deal about bloggers and their orgasms.
Here’s what happened next:
The sex toys were shipped to our hotel in five separate boxes, one of which weighed 29 pounds. Due to the high volume of sex toy boxes, I was unable to get them up to my hotel room by myself and had to have a bellman help me. When he arrived to the room he unloaded them and goes, “Would you like me to open them for you?” and I’m all, “Oh my god no” and he’s like, “I have a box cutter and everything” and I’m all, “No seriously, I’m all set” and he’s like, “It’s really no trouble” and moves toward the boxes and I’m all, “ldkfjlkghj,” which seemed to do the trick.
After he left, Vixations and I tore all the boxes open and unpacked sex toys for at least 20 minutes. Then we covered the floor with them. Then we built a tower of We-Vibes. Then we discussed whether or not anyone would notice if we just turned every single vibrator on at once, used them all, and repacked them. Then we realized that that would probably be the fucking weirdest thing in the history of things. Then we decided instead to grab five waterproof vibrators and head down to the pool to give them away. Awesomeness ensued.
The rest of the weekend was more of the wonderful same. I filled our closet with all of the sex toys and made people do funny things to earn them. Whenever anyone would come up to our room, I’d welcome them by graciously offering a tour of the Sex Toy Closet. No one says no to a tour of the Sex Toy Closet, and so I got to use the phrase, “This is a stripper pole in a box, this is Clitoral Stimulation Gel, and this is a kit you can use to make a vibrating dildo out of someone’s real cock” at least 30 times over a four day period. Which means I win. Or they win. Or all of our vaginas win. Or D, all of the above.
But you know what? As a result of this experience, I do have one big lingering question, and it’s this: What won’t drunk bloggers do for free sex toys? And I’m thinking the answer here is: nothing.
Alongside this question, my weekend in Vegas brought up a few other sex related questions that I’d like answered. First of all, where do all those hooker cards come from? Like, is there a single company who prints them all? And do they just literally print them 24 hours a day? Because if not, HOW ARE THERE SO MANY HOOKER CARDS EVERYWHERE? Seriously, no matter where you are on the strip, there’s a group of people shoving cards with pictures of naked girls on them into your hands. And, if you’re me, you take them. All of them. Because who turns down free naked girls?! However, upon closer inspection, you’ll see that certain girls are on sale. “Only $39 for Angel! Call tonight!” And I’m all, “If my vagina was on sale like a Walmart toy, I’d shank myself.” Because really, is there anything more insulting than that? Being the one girl with the sale priced bargain vagina?!
You think about that and get back to me. In the meantime, I’m going to excuse myself to try out my new We-Vibe.
Hugs & orgasms,