I was suffering pretty hard trying to come up with a topic for this week’s post (it isn’t always easy to write about the Sexy Things, you know) when like a heavenly link-wielding angel from Facebook, a guy who I am “friends” with sent me this link to Vulva Original because he saw it and it made him think of me.
But really, he totally hooked my shit up and I am so grateful to him because Vulva Original is the best WTF? product since The Snuggie, my Toy With Me friends. It’s an “organic vaginal scent” and it comes in a vial with a roll on applicator.
It gets even better though because while it sounds like it’s a pussy perfume, it’s actually not. It’s a masturbatory enhancement tool.
Feeling lonely? Wish you had a pair of dirty underpanties to sniff?
Well you never need wish for them again!
All you do is shake up the vial, roll the “slightly yellow, desirable substance” onto the back of your hand, and jerk off with your fleshlight or pocket pussy or whatever, to make it smell less like you’re a lonely slob wanking into a can in your mom’s basement, and more like you’re within sniffing distance of the “intimate smell of an irresistible woman.”
Believe it because I’m not clever enough to make it up.
What’s more—you can take the “erotic intimate scent of a desirable woman” with you anywhere you go! Just “breathe in and enjoy.”
Well, honk my hooter.
And the website has very sexy music and a picture gallery that’s absolutely fantastic! There’s one picture of a guy sitting on a couch smelling his hand while two chicks crouch in the background trying to sniff each other’s crotches. And there’s a model with huge tits with her legs spread wide open holding the box of Vulva Original in front of her lady business. One of the pictures even has a girl sitting on the toilet. I’m not sure what that’s about, but who cares because Hahahahahaha!
Perhaps the best part is the promotional video (it’s sort of safe for work as long as your co-workers aren’t assholes)!
Was that not the awesomest thing ever? And check this video with the guy sniffing the seat of the exercise bike! And then the sexy woman’s voice is all “smell me and cum.” Of course it’s the website’s name smellmeand.com but if you say it with an accent like hers, it sounds like “cum.”
But you have to be careful with it you guys! It’s not all fun and games. I went to the FAQ page and the makers warn you not to rub it into your skin or get it near any mucus membranes. And if you swallow it, you must induce vomiting right away. I guess after that you should see a doctor. Imagine telling that story at the ER while you’re having a lovely charcoal cocktail and trying to get a whiff of the nurse’s crotchals.
So I guess since it’s poisonous it must mean that it’s not, you know, real pussy juice. And that’s a relief because I was wondering about that. I mean have you seen the way they milk snakes and spiders to get the venom out? All I could picture was a bunch of women in stirrups with people in white lab coats “milking” them. I bet it would make a very tidy little part-time gig for squirters. But that’s too bad. It’s fake pussy juice. Better luck next time, squirters.
And don’t worry you guys. If you don’t enjoy the scent of Vulva Original, there’s two more “scent themes” coming soon! They’re called EIGHTEEN and EXOTIC.
I don’t even want to guess how eighteen-year-old pussy is different from plain old Vulva Original. It must have that “barely legal” smell. Whatever that is. And the exotic variety must have a hint of mango or passion fruit or coconut mixed in with it? Jamaican me crazy just thinking about it!
Sorry. That was lame as shit.
I just can’t help but think that this is actually a genius idea for a pervert who’s looking for a creative outlet because the sky’s the limit! I’m no expert or anything, but for every pussy, there’s got to be a different scent. I assume. I’m not really in the habit of smelling people’s crotches. Perhaps that’s a good question for my next gynecologist appointment–“Hey Doc! Does everybody’s twat smell different? And if so, what’s your favorite scent? I’m working on a little craft project at home…”
And then once they’ve made all the different vagina scents they can think of, they can break into the market for the ladies and make Balls Original! I dare say that if they do, it’s not going to be a very big seller. I don’t know too many women who’d want to smell balls. It’s not really a pretty smell most of the time and if most women are like me, they like to smell things that smell nice. I guess they could add a hint of lavender or green tea to it and call it Clean Balls. For the lady who’s partial to a more realistic scent, Sweaty Balls.
And then where do we go from there? I mean, they have to keep coming out with new products, right? Diversification is key, so why not team up with the Glade people and make a plug-in so the whole living room can smell like balls and not just the back of the hand?
I thought I’d have more to say about this, and I do but I have to go. I’ve got to go call my panty sniffing friend now. I can save him a ton of cash!