If you’ve been caught up in the plethora of reality dating shows chances are your perspective of the perfect lover has been warped beyond recognition. Seriously, who gets naked and knocks boots all freaking night long?! Ain’t nobody got time for that! I call bullshit on this so called ‘reality’ of sex and dating. Personally, if I manage to have more than 20 mins. of uninterrupted sex in a month, let alone regular sexual high fiving, I call it a sexcation.
When it comes to reality we’re more likely to settle into one of these categories. So let’s take a minute, hit the pause button and get some perspective on what type of lovers really do exist.
The DTF Lover
This lover just wants to get naked and get to it! No wasting time with chit chat and “how was your day dear” in this bed. They’re always aroused and in the mood. If you opened the DTF lover’s night stand, you would find condoms, lubricant, toys, porn and a little black book. Perpetually turned on, they’ll sext you at 3 am looking for a booty call or happily fore-go eating at lunchtime to squeeze in a quick tryst at a local hotel! With this incredible “friend with benefits” you don’t have to worry about making small talk and finding your groove. They’re willing and able to go for broke every single time, you are sure to curl your toes with the DTFL. Often, the fine art of seduction is laid *ahem to waste and the DTFL misses out on the opportunity to not only seduce one’s body but one’s mind as well. If you are simply looking to scratch an itch, it will get scratched good and hard here.
The Educated Lover
When the word gets out a new sexual position is on the rise in popularity, this lover is ON IT! They Google the move, YouTube the instructions and tweet the author looking for insider information. Skilled in many types of sexual interaction, from Tantric sex to foot massage trigger points and how to enhance orgasm, make this one your “phone a friend”! Always happy to suggest a deep throat tip, a new move to caress the clitoris or how to charm your way into anal sex, the Educated Lover is a sexual encyclopedia of information! Sometimes, missing the finer points of sexual contact as they can be found attacking a sex romp like a final exam for Med School! Real world experience isn’t always where the knowledge comes from. Of all the lovers, the most eager to TRY it out and see if the research was correct an Educated lover is hands down, the most knowledgeable!
The “JOB” Lover
The JOB lover is there out of obligation. Is she doing her nails while you are “dining at the Y? Is he, turning the page on the spreadsheet resting on your back? If you answered yes, it’s a JOB for them! JOB lover’s may have had a partner for a very long time that is either selfish or self centered and rarely gets their own needs met in bed, hence they begin to see sex as work and only show up if they absolutely have to. Frustrating when a new partner comes along, it is difficult to break the habit of being physically present but not engaged in the sex. JOB lover’s can miss out on the wonderful happy ending of sex, orgasm, because they are simply focused on getting the job done. Monotone “oh ya, yes, that’s it. Right there baby” is the telltale sign that your partner is currently tallying tax receipts in their brain rather than screaming out “do me baby like the animal you are!!” What is needed most in this lover’s life is a “blow your hair back, knock your socks off” sex romp of a weekend that reminds them how amazing and how fulfilling toe curling sex can be and that it isn’t work!
The Kinky Lover
The Kinky lover has a myriad of tricks up their sleeves and handcuffs! They have watched every genre of porn and filled their bucket list with all kinds of “I need to try that” before I die activities. Enter the bedroom of the Kinky one to discover ropes attached to the headboard, a midget Dom and a quacking duck. What the fuck is the duck there for?! Ask the Kink! They are strategically shaved into various patterns and probably have more than one area of their body pierced, punctured or inked up. He or she is a sexual buffet of fun! Want to try that thing you always fantasized about but were too afraid to ask? Facebook the Kinky lover! A kinky lover can scare away the new partner if they are unaware of what is coming next. However, a Kinky lover can be the best experience you can have if you want to expand your sexperience and say “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.”
The Curious Lover
The Curious Lover is someone who is game to try it once. Discovering new techniques shared by friends, talk TV, the latest magazine article or good old water cooler gossip, eager to try anything with their partner. They ask questions “Was that good?” “Did you enjoy that?” “Should we try that again?” Captain Curious is one lover we all want at least once in our lifetime. They pay attention to our signals and pick up on the nuances of our movements. Curious will be the one that can make you scream “DON’T STOP!” and have you gasping “Holy shit! Never, ever again!” The Curious lover is keen to learn new things and ensure satisfaction each and every time for their partner. They are willing to push their boundaries when asked to and happy to do it as you have always done the next time. Like a sexual mosaic, the Curious lover is happy get naked and pour on the oil, all the while, snapping tumblr pictures in case you decide to make your own amateur porn next time!
So tell me Toy With Mes have you experienced them all? Is there one that we missed? Is there one you’ve missed and would like to try?!
Free Digital Photos. Photo by Stuart Miles.