I like the dick. OK, I l-o-v-e it. If there were man-flavored ice cream, I’d pop Lactaid every day and fold on my dairy-free lifestyle. As an intro to this week’s redheaded goodness, I’ll give you a few things about men that make we want to dress-up in my best kinky cheerleader outfit and do something dirty with pom poms:
- Smell – Oh, how I love the Man Stank. If you’ve never smelled a man after a six-hour bike ride, you’re missing out. I believe firmly in the power of pheromones and will nestle firmly in the crook of my man’s arm, taking in his M-A-N. Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t want him to shower for three days, but it does mean that I get it that people sweat. Men smell good when they sweat. They smell like ass when they wash with AXE body wash.
- Sensibility – Men are practical creatures for the most part. They keep underwear for ten years, use the same pan for eggs each morning and rarely change the bed sheets until you give them the “what’s THAT?!” point in reference to one of the 17 sundry stains. Hey, it saves water and electricity, and admit it – it’s usually dark when you bone and they’re probably YOUR body fluids. I can appreciate the gallon jug of Heinz ketchup in the fridge, too. While the squeeze bottle might have fit better in the door, men know a deal when they see one and you can’t really blame them for hopping on the vat-o-ketchup for $4.99.
- Style – Men can pull off a t-shirt ANYWHERE. Here I am, getting dolled-up in my best and trying to decide if I’m going to wear the strappy black Charles David sandals or the brown suede Steve Maddens and my man is dressed in one of three pairs of jeans, one of seven pairs of shoes and a t-shirt that (damn him) matches every one of those pairs of shoes! How they hell do they DO that!?!!!
Not so long ago, The Huffington Post posted an article about annoying male traits and had users rate how “forgivable” they were. Are we really still talking about the differences between the male and female brains (and is this information so fucking shocking that we need an entire book about it)?
Here’s the bottom line: I like dick. I said it before and I’ll say it again: give me an M-A-N. I covered it last year in Blow Jobs and Reassurance: A Girl’s Guide to World Peace and I’m going to cover what The Huffington Post left out today. If you want to date a woman, start hitting for the same team. Otherwise, stop it with your whiny bitch routine and embrace the fact that in front of you, you have a real, live M-A-N.
Questionable Man-havior 1
Cuts You Off When You’re Venting With A Solution To Your Problem
Get over yourself. Men are problem-solvers. Ever wonder why they wake up with hard-ons every morning? Aside from the fact that they’re DELICIOUS, hard-ons are problem solving. Men think more clearly after they’ve had sex. Women? We tend to think less clearly. We confuse sex with love and men think “Wow – I wonder if I have time to put a new chain on my bike before I leave for the office if we go for round 2…” Men like to get to the point, solve problems and move on. Women like to TALK about problems. Solution? Blow jobs. They keep your mouth busy and your man happy. Problem solved.
Questionable Man-havior 2
Goes Overboard With Protective Instincts
A-fucking-MEN! Kill the spiders, pick up the baseball bat when something goes bump in the night and grab my arm so I don’t walk into traffic. He cares and doesn’t want you to DIE! Men protect things they care about. So long as he doesn’t have you chained-up in the basement or install a GPS on your car and check it every time you take a trip, he cares. Let him care. You bitch about him NOT caring, so please…let him be protective. And be honest – you’re NOT going to kill the spiders. God knows, I’m not.
Questionable Man-havior 3
Too Ready To Fight
I’m not looking for a raging drunk who’s going to kick into ballroom blitz mode every time we go out, but I do like a competitive man. Men bust each other’s balls and have ongoing Whose Is Bigger? contests. Let them have it. I think women are more ready to fight than men are, especially when it comes to our hurt feelings. We will go nine rounds in a cage with a dude who forgot that they met us exactly seven months ago TODAY but we’ll berate a man who’s playing My Dick’s Bigger with his buddies? Lighten the fuck up – it doesn’t have anything to do with you, honey.
Questionable Man-havior 4
Admittedly, I like a little jealously. If we’re going back to GPS checking on the car mode again, that’s a little much, but I like it when a man gets a little possessive. Dogs mark their territory with urine. Men are little different. They pee on girls. You’ve all seen it and you know when it’s happening. Women are, in a very base sense, something for men to OWN. While our relationships may be a blissful exchange and equal partnership to the outside world, guys will pee on you every now and then. It’s a compliment. Embrace the pee.
Questionable Man-havior 5
He Had No Clue You Were About To Cry
Of course he didn’t. We’re hormonal. I don’t know about you, but I can cry on a dime. Dudes just aren’t wired that way and be glad they’re not. I need the Keith in the Six Feet Under scenario, not the David (though I do like me some Dexter…). Men will gradually become more comfortable around you if you let them know it’s OK. If you bash them for not being sensitive enough, they’re going to stop trying. Quit kicking your puppy. Pet him. He’ll pet you back in the way he knows how.
Questionable Man-havior 6
He Wants Too Much Sex
Ummm…is this possible? If you don’t want to bone your man, what DO you want to do with him? Guys can only talk so much. Girls? Oh hell…we’ll talk their balls blue. When you deny a man’s instinct to HAVE you, you’re denying who he is and of what he’s made. This is why men fuck around. Give it up, and shut up. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk when you need to or want to. Sometimes, honey – they just don’t want to hear us talk. Why is a sex drive bad? You’d complain if you weren’t getting any. Why complain that you are?
Questionable Man-havior 7
He Looks At Other Women
Is be breathing? Does he have a pulse? You look at other men. I look at other men. Strange is HOT. It doesn’t change that you’re the one he comes home to every night. Let him have it and stop making him feel bad for looking at something pretty. He looked at you like that once, after all. Hope he still does.
Questionable Man-havior 8
He’s Too Quick To Anger
Again, if the quick-to-fight drunk describes your other half, that’s not attractive. But again – testosterone. Ever seen a female bodybuilder snap (or a male one for that matter)? You’ve heard about Roid Rage. Testosterone gives men their brawn, heft and awesomely shaped hip bones (drool). Love them for having it. Otherwise, you’d be dating a girl. And if you want to date a girl, that’s cool, too. Just know that if you want a man who acts like a girl, you may need to address your wants and needs…
So, here’s where I’ll ask: what’s so bad about men being men? Dear Redhead readers, I want you to tell me. I delight in the fact that my man acts like one and while I don’t always like what he says and how he says it, I’m sure the feeling is mutual. However, I do adore The Man for being a M-A-N. Hip bones on which I want to nibble, the strength to bust a nut (literally) with a box wrench, the ability to lift bulky boxes and the good ‘ol Texas Hangdown…they’re all damn fine reasons to get up in the morning. And quite frankly, I’m tired of the womanly whining. If you want to be with someone just like you, date a twin or buy a clone. I adore the delightful opposites and quirky contrasts that come along with the male/female coupling ritual. I’m thinking maybe you do, too…thoughts?