You may have figured out my obsession already by the way I’m always writing about weird sex inventions, like the Make Your Own Dildo Kit or Vulva Original perfume but not a perfume, or the Jesus Vagina Painting, or the Penis Cozy. While I think these are some pretty awesome ideas, I fancy myself as a bit of an inventor, and I’ve got a couple of Wonderful Inventions that I think might just make some of the stuff I’ve written about look silly.
I know, it seems impossible to make the Vulva Pendant Necklace look stupid, but I think I can do it.
But before I tell you about my Wonderful Inventions, you have to promise me it won’t leave the Internet. I don’t want my secret ideas to get out there for some assholes to steal from me because so far I haven’t told anyone about them. I came up with one of these while I was trying to sleep one night. That’s when I think up all of my BEST IDEAS EVER. Or when I’m in the shower, and I have no pen and I can’t write it down and by the time I’m all dried off, I either forget the idea, or realize it was fucking stupid and I figure the smell of my tea tree and mint shampoo must have gone to my um, head.
But that rarely happens to me. Many of my ideas are good.
How awesome would it be, Toy With Mes, to have a vibrator that hooks up to the Wii? I call it the Wii Sex® and I think it’s going to be HUGE because I know lots of you are busy, and you can’t really fit playing Wii games like the Wii Fit or the Wii Sports or the Wii Ski or whatever into your busy schedule and there’s hardly ever any time to masturbate (don’t try to pretend you’re not all chronic masturbators. Why else would you be here?) and so why not do both at the same time?
See? I’m a genius.
But WAIT! There’s MORE!
You can choose any celebrity you want your Mii to “play” with. Personally, I wouldn’t mind having The Deppster on there or Alex O’Loughlin or Alexander Skarsgard. Some of you might want a little George Clooney action, or maybe some Hugh Jackman or Matthew McConaughey. The possibilities are endless and it can be great if you’re gay too! For example, for the ladies who like the ladies, you can get Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian, or whoever the lezzies are into these days. I think I’d pick Jillian Michaels for my Mii Sex buddy. I kind of have a thing for her (is it weird that instead of doing her workouts, I sometimes just rub one out to Jillian? That’s a workout, right?). Do you think she’s into library chicks? I hope so.
(Private message to Jillian: I NEVER phone it in and I ALWAYS do it with intention. CALL ME!)
And while we’re indulging in some fantasy here, I want my Mii to be taller and skinnier with nicer hair and hotter underpanties because I really don’t want to see Alexander Skarrsgard have sex with this:
That’s my actual Mii and it’s not hot.
I think the controller would have to be a dildo because what else would it be? And the nunchuck could plug into the end of it and that’s how you’d switch positions or whatever. And of course extra points would be awarded for finding the g-spot.
And two people can play, too! You can make your Miis do the Sexy Time with each other if you want. All you need is two dildo controllers and you’re off!
Everyone will want this for Christmas next year. You’ll see. I’m gonna be rich, motherfuckers.
And this next thing is something you can kind of use along with the Wii Sex® if you feel so inclined.
It’s a Snuggie blanket for two!
You wish you had a brain like mine! So do I, so do I. It’s lonely here at the top.
But I can’t take all the credit for it though because it’s an idea we sort of all hatched together at work (working in a library is hard, you guys) while we were librarying very hard and pondering the virtues of the Snuggie. The only thing that could make it better, we thought, would be to fit another person in there.
It may or may not make you and your lovah look like this monster from Sesame Street,
but it doesn’t matter because it’s awesome. Basically, all it is is two one-person Snuggies sewn together to make one two-person Snuggie. And then we’d add some little pockets for the essentials like lube and a vibrator or a condom or your favorite butt plug. To make it a little racier and further distinguish it from the original Snuggie, ours would come in a variety of animal prints and maybe even have a marabou feather or satin trim. We even thought we could sew a Sham Wow! into the lining for extra absorbency because nobody likes to sit/sleep in the wet spot.
But perhaps the best part of this idea is the name. Are you ready for it?
The Hankie Pankie Blankie®.
The Huggie Tuggie Hankie Pankie Blankie®!
The Lover Cover®?
(We were all hopped up on coffee and leftover holiday fudge, so the whole thing started to get a little bit silly toward the end there.)
Anyway, I predict that as soon as I can get these Wonderful Inventions off the ground, by next Christmas everyone will be doing the Wii Sex® from beneath the comfort of their Hankie Pankie Blankie®.
Mark my words.
So tell me, you guys. Do you have any Wonderful Inventions you’d like to share with the rest of the pervs?