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First off, let me begin by saying this is not a man bashing article…very much the opposite. It is to recognize the amazing lovers out there who go above and beyond to ensure their partner experiences toe-curling pleasure when they are making the sexy dance.

There are so many more men out there who are committed to making sex mind blowing each and every time than there are lazy lovers, however, after hearing about my friends recent foray into the “booty call” arena, I had to put fingers to keys and give y’all a quick chinwag on what makes a guy a shitty lover.

The Braggart

He BRAGS about how good he is in bed. Not just a subtle “I’m pretty good and the one-eyed snake dance” but an all-out assault on your lady parts with relentless posturing about how having sex with him is going to be life-changing. *Mental note, if he has to BRAG about how good he is and isn’t willing to just shut the fuck up and put out…he’s probably gonna be a shitty lover.

Loads of Lovers

He constantly yammers on about how he has had butt loads of lovers. Honestly, I couldn’t give a crap about how many people someone has slept with. For some, 3 is so many they dread telling their doctor, for others, they’ve lost count. The number isn’t the issue. What he may be hiding is that he has so many vaginas notched on his headboard because NO ONE COMES BACK for seconds. If he truly is THAT AMAZING… then perhaps having high numbers isn’t an indicator of his breathtaking skills.

No WHAT?!

He is totally adverse to sex toys in the bedroom. Seriously … what the fuck?! Toys are meant to enhance the experience. It’s not a contest! Some of us girls need a bit of a buzz to get things juicing … ya know?? What the hell is he afraid of? Wouldn’t something that makes the lights go out be a good thing? Sex toys shouldn’t replace him, they should help make him the ONLY one you want to have sex with. ALL. THE. TIME.

Manscaping Required

His personal hygiene lacks care and attention. This one is my pet peeve. If men expect us to be waxed, shaved, groomed and smelling like strawberries, the least they can do is brush their teeth and trim the kibbles and bits. The last thing I want bury my face into is a mountain man’s bush that would put 70’s porn to shame. Seriously, for the love of blowjobs, give your junk a once-over before you expect me to partake of the feast!

Major Masturbator

He is addicted to porn and masturbation. Let’s just get it out here shall we. There is NOTHING wrong with Porn or Masturbation. It’s a problem when it becomes all-consuming. There is NO ONE…not one single person on the planet, who could “perform” long-term like porn. Even those women take breaks and use a metric ton of lube and sex wipes to do what they do. The average woman cannot fuck for hours at a time. Sure, we all love to have the lazy weekends where we only get out of bed to pee…nothing at all wrong with that. It doesn’t mean that we are knocking boots for hours and hours on end. The women of porn, god love ‘em, are ALWAYS beautiful, ALWAYS ready, willing and able. Never have a wrinkle or a blemish. Scream like banshees in the throws of passion and never ever have a bad day, or at least in porn if they have a bad day, the only thing that will fix it is a giant cock in their face slapping them around like they owe it money! Chronic masturbation has the same effect. Ladies, we all know that a quick rub alone brings on the orgasm faster than any quickie in the laundry room can. That being said, the orgasm we have with a partner is deeply more satisfying and leaves us wanting more. A guy who masturbates ALL THE TIME, relentlessly will have a very hard time finding that rapid satisfaction with a woman. Many medical papers have even said that he may find it near impossible to orgasm with sexual intercourse. If he is more focused on giving it to himself than he is in giving it to you … move on.

Sex is awesome!!!

It’s the best thing of all things. Especially when you find a partner that is willing to go all out for and with you! If you find yourself on the yappy end of a sexual escapade, perhaps it’s time to rethink your choice of a booty call and seek out brave new worlds and boldly go where no woman has gone before … or something like that.

Put yourself on the top of the sexual priority list and make sure you choose a partner that puts you there too!

I’m curious dear reader … what sets your alarm bells ringing when it comes to signs that he is going to be a huge mistake? What does he do or say that turns your yes into a HELL NO!?